


Divine Intervention

by Koryandr



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Crime, Canon-Typical Homophobia, Canon-Typical Violence, Chiarman Meow, Internalized Homophobia, It's time travel with a bit of a twist, M/M, Post-Canon, There's also some indiscriminate fluff in here, Time Travel, also, and Church the cat, background canon relationships, canon-typical bigotry, it's not all angst i promise just gotta tag for the mature content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:48:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 56,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26000656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Koryandr/pseuds/Koryandr
Summary: Magnus Bane stands in front of him, impossibly looking more handsome than Alec remembers. The expensive clothing, the jewelry, the streaked hair, it’s all just so universally Magnus that Alec aches to look at him. Even under the ugly fluorescence down here, Magnus looks like a vision in gold, shining radiant like the sun."How did you get here, Alec?""I don't know."On the day of his wedding, Alexander Lightwood finds himself in a time not his own and living a life he never let himself dream of.
Relationships: Background Clary/Jace - Relationship, Background Simon/Izzy - Relationship, Background Underhill/Lorenzo, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 106
Kudos: 407





	1. Day One

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Free Fall](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/669541) by Krys Yuy. 



> This fic is inspired by one of my all time favorite fics, Free Fall by Krys Yuy for Smallville. This fic also shares the same name as the old Smallville forum I was once a part of, but that's just a nice coincidence and has no bearing on this fic.
> 
> This fic is mature because it handles some heavy mature themes but there is no sexual content. Please see end notes for trigger warnings. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone on the Malec server for continuing to inspire and encourage me through this writing process. And thank you to [Annie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/annieapple24/pseuds/annieapple24) for being my love, my beta and for listening to me complain and rant and theorize about this for months on end. <3
> 
> This fic is complete and will be posted in five chapters.

Artwork made by me  


* * *

**i**

* * *

When consciousness bleeds into his mind once again, he’s blind to anything other than an encompassing warmth. There’s sunlight on his back, and a warm weight in his arms and something impossibly soft under him. The weight pulls away and Alec grabs for it instinctually. There’s something soft and gentle stroking down his face, carding through his hair and pressed to his forehead before it pulls away completely. 

Alec rolls onto his stomach into the patch of heat left behind in the bed, burning his face into the pillow and shuffling. 

He dozes in the warmth, drifting in the spaces between consciousness and not, when there’s something pressed against him. Just a brush, a quick swipe against his lips and something along his face.

He chases it before it’s pulled away again, disappointingly. There’s a noise, something light and breathy and tender, then words whispered in another language before it retreats entirely. 

He drifts again for a moment, a blissful moment where all he feels is the cool slide of sheets on his body, the phantom warmth of the bed, the sunlight on his back. Then reality crashes back down on him. 

That was a person. There was another person here with him. Panic shoots down his spine, quick as a whip and he pulls himself up to his knees in the bed, sliding against the sheets in his effort to do so. His brain feels like mush, pounding and pulsing his first hangover, nausea rolling in his stomach now that he’s moved too quickly. 

He looks around the room, but the other person is no longer there. He listens carefully, past the pulsing headache, and can hear a shower running not too far from the bed he’s in...the stranger’s bed he’s in. There’s some faint music being played and...a bell. 

Alec swings his legs around until he’s sitting on the edge of the bed, and only then does he become aware of his own nakedness. Nudity has never really been something he’s been embarrassed of. From a young age Shadowhunters are taught that skin is holy ground to mark with runes, an expanse of potential power and devotion to the angel. But...but it’s the implications of his nudity that have his face flushing in embarrassment and shame. 

What did he do?

Who was that?

...where is he?

Breathe.

_Emotions cloud judgement._

There’s nobody else in the room he’s in, and it appears to be a bedroom, but nothing like he’s ever seen at the Institute. The bed is lavish, silk sheets and canary yellow bedding shining pleasantly in the sunlight streaming in. A dresser, a vanity, a loveseat and coffee table in the corner. There’s clothing scattered over the floor, shoes and socks and _underwear_ spread around, paintings on the walls, a glowing ward on the wall above the bed.

At least it’s someone from the Shadow World. But...but if it were a Shadowhunter surely they would be at the Institute, right? It wasn’t common for a Shadowhunter to live off-site, usually only distant members of the conclave did that and he knew neither he or Lydia lived...Lydia. 

God. The wedding. He was at the wedding. _His_ wedding.

He remembers flowers and wedding runes, Lydia walking down the aisle and his mother’s grave expression. Izzy’s solidarity, Jace’s grounding weight. Magnus and the way his heart fluttered when--

Alec stands up and scrambles to find his underwear and pants on the ground. There’s sweatpants that seem too short for his legs but he slides into them anyway. He wants to run, every part of his body begs him to run and go home, but he has to know. He needs to know who...did he sleep with them? 

The clothes on the ground give no indication of who it was, and looking around the room it all feels incredibly neutral. He’s not going to dig through their drawers, but there’s nothing inherently masculine or feminine about the room he’s in. Then he sees the vanity. Then he sees himself in the vanity. 

He looks...he looks different? His chest seems broader, his stomach and skin more filled out, shoulders and arms more defined. He just had to get measured for that jacket a few days ago, and he doesn’t think if he were to put it on right now, that he would be able to button it. 

He can feel the flush on his face as he trails his fingers across red marks scattering his body, around his navel, under his collarbone, along the deflect rune by his jaw. Hickeys. He’s seen them on Jace and Izzy enough to know exactly what that means. 

But his runes are still there in the same spots, he traces his fingers over the parabatai rune, foolishly longing for Jace and his utter surety in situations like these. Jace and Izzy have talked about this before. The morning after. The ‘ _walk of shame_ .’ His chest seizes at the thought that he slept with a stranger last night, that he slept with _anyone_. 

And there, stacked neatly on the vanity, is something he only recognizes from lounging around Izzy’s room. From laying on her bed on late nights and begrudgingly sitting down while she _plays_ with her new things and stabs him in the eyes repeatedly. There’s makeup on the vanity, colored palettes and black tubes, a pot of something shimmering red. 

The shower in the other room shuts off and the nausea dissipates so the panic can sweep back in. He looks to the nightstand, looks around the room and curses the fact that his bow is nowhere to be found. There’s something metal across the room he’s thinking about going for when he spots his holster strung across the back of an armchair. 

He’s across the room as fast as he can be, grabbing his stele and one of the throwing daggers. The shower appears to be through an opening on the far side of the room, so Alec presses himself against the wall next to the doorway. Just in case. Just in case this is someone he needs to defend himself against just in case--

When the other person saunters into the bedroom, naked as the day is long, Alec’s fingers spasm and the blade bites into the skin of his palm. 

“Magnus.” Alec breathes involuntarily, making the warlock jump with an undignified yelp. 

Magnus huffs out something in a different language, pressing a hand over his chest and spinning to look at Alec. Except...he’s never seen Magnus like this. Never with his hair down flat on his skull, the makeup gone. It feels blasphemous, to see _Magnus_ for the first time without all the bells and whistles, without the hair and the jewelry just...just Magnus. 

It strikes something so unexpected and tender in his chest that the breath is ripped from his lungs. 

“Darling, don’t scare me like that.” Magnus rubs his chest. His face falls into a confused, gentle smile and Alec _can’t breathe_. Also he’s naked. Magnus is naked. 

“I--I, um…” Alec gestures over his shoulder with a shaky hand, “I, uh...bathroom.” 

“Alec?” he can hear a laugh in Magnus’ voice, but Alec turns quickly in the direction Magnus just came from, closing the bathroom door behind him fast. 

Magnus. He slept with Magnus...He slept with Magnus and he doesn’t _remember_ any of it. What sick kind of irony is that? Alec can hear footsteps outside of the door and he’s _not_ prepared to speak to Magnus so he reaches out to turn the shower on. The controls are weird and too dissimilar to the Institute showers, but he gets water going from the showerhead and that’s all that matters right now. 

Maybe the shower will help him clear his head. He strips out of the clothing stolen from the bedroom floor (are those Magnus’ clothes?) and steps into the shower. The cold water feels like an assault on his senses but the sharpness of it does help clear his head. 

This isn’t a dream, this isn’t a nightmare. 

It doesn’t make sense.

There must be some explanation, some spell or curse put on him. Something demonic. Something wrong that explains any of this because _it doesn’t make any fucking sense_. Hands splayed wide on the tiled wall in front of him, he hangs his head, letting the cold shock of water run down the back of his neck and over his hair. Breathe. In. Out.

No matter how much he calms himself, he cannot shake the feeling of displacement, the unknown still an itch along the back of his mind, still creeping in the corners of his thoughts. 

“Alec?” Magnus’s voice is suddenly there on the other side of the frosted glass panel, no knock, he didn’t even hear the door. 

“Um...yes?”

“I have to go to my meeting, I left breakfast in the kitchen for you.”

“Oh.” He stutters out, digging his palms into his eye sockets trying to get anything out of his mouth that sounds reasonable and not a fucking sham. “Th-thank you.” 

Magnus stands there, a shadow on the other side of the glass, not moving. Alec’s heart trips up, he _knows_ , but then Magnus hums something affirmative and walks away. 

The relieved sigh is not comforting, it’s no reprieve. Why doesn’t he remember…

No. The last thing he remembers was Lydia, looking beautiful in her dress with crystals in her braids and the necklace, _his_ necklace falling across her sternum. 

Alec looks down at his hands, turning them over. No ring, no bracelet, no rune. 

What happened?

* * *

**ii**

* * *

Magnus not being in the apartment is both a relief and a frustration. 

Alec contemplates just putting on the same clothes he took from Magnus’ floor, but instead ventures into the closet for something clean. If he’s wearing another man’s clothes, he might as well wear clean ones. The closet spans the walls between the bedroom and the bathroom. 

It feels very...Magnus. Bright colors and blacks are mixed, things that sparkle under the overhead lights, things that glimmer with metal and shine with jewelry. Lace and silks hang neatly from hangers. It’s all meticulously organized but...but it’s not color coded, there’s skirts and pants next to shirts and tunics. He can’t make heads or tails of any of it and after a few minutes he gives up _trying_ to make sense of it. 

There’s a section on the left wall that’s more muted colors, blacks and dark shades. He gravitates that way, flipping through the clothes hanging there. He spies a thin shirt in a familiar green color and reaches for it, surprised Magnus would even own that color. But no, that’s not a similar shirt. There’s a small burn hole in the sleeve just like the one Alec owns. He pulls it from the hanger, taking a closer look and tumbling the fabric in his hands. It’s threadbare in places, a little worse for wear, but it’s _his_ shirt. 

What in the hell are his clothes doing in Magnus’ apartment? In fact, looking through this section of the closet, there are several shirts he recognizes. He opens the drawers below and pulls out a pair of familiar jeans, the same underwear he uses. 

Fuck. 

Alec gets dressed quickly, trying not to think about the ramifications of this. He just needs to wrap his head around what’s happening and then everything will be fine. There has to be a logical solution to this. 

It must be magic. He’s reminded of a few days ago, Clary and Jace talking about being in that different world. Where Magnus was a fortune teller and he planned parties (honestly in what world?) Maybe this is like that, he got dragged into a different universe and he just has to find his way back to his own. It’s so farfetched though and if he were to get back he’d need to talk to Magnus and...and he doesn’t want to do that. Maybe he’s wrong and there’s a different solution here he’s just not seeing. 

The bedroom is less intimidating without Magnus here, the bed is neatly made. Alec grabs his holster, pocketing the knife and stele. On the night stand there’s some more of his things: his father’s watch (and family heirloom he hasn’t seen in years) laid out flat, his Institute-issued cell phone plugged in perfectly square with the table. There’s some other miscellaneous things next to the lamp there, a few rings, a bracelet, tissue box, a bottle of some clear liquid and--

Oh. 

Alec brushes the tinfoil packet aside to grab his phone and watch, and tries to pretend like he’s not flushed. There’s no reason, nobody is here, but...still.

There are two notifications displayed on the lock screen of his phone, both from Izzy.

 **[06:10 Izzy]** False alarm in Greenwich, leaving my report on your desk. 

**[06:20 Izzy]** Also I picked up the flowers and set them up in the west wing, you’re welcome. You owe me.

Alec’s first thought is the flowers for the wedding, but after the morning he’s had, he’s not really sure which way is up right now. The best plan is to just play along until he can sort out what happened. He doesn’t respond to her. That’s what he would normally do anyway. 

The apartment looks different than he remembers it, Magnus did say he likes to redecorate, but...the layout seems different, and a lot brighter than it had been before. The light from the wall of windows is overly bright, but nice. It casts a warm glow over the living area, with couches and carpeting and rugs instead of the oddly industrial vibe Magnus’s apartment has yesterday. Stark black and red’s have bled into warm red brick, golden rugs and colorful paintings hang on the walls. 

He finds the kitchen eventually, and sitting out on the counter is a plate with what looks like a stack of pancakes with an assortment of berries on top. There’s a tall glass of orange juice and a note stuck under the corner of the glass.

_“I know it’s pancake day, but I’ve got to run. I’ll see you tonight. Give Biscuit my luck and love & save me a seat. <3 - MB” _

Alec has never seen Magnus’ handwriting, but of course it's a perfect looping script with an elegant perfect angle to all of the letters. His chest feels tight looking at it, knowing Magnus did this for him, made (or conjured, how did that work anyway?) breakfast _for him._ He can’t help but wonder why. He wishes he hadn’t run into the bathroom, that he had the strength to look at him without the glass in the way...but no. He couldn't. He couldn’t breathe around Magnus let alone talk, how is he supposed to keep up this charade?

He’s pulled out of his reverie by the tinkle of a bell coming from next to him. 

Standing on the kitchen island now, tail unfurled up towards the ceiling, is a small cat, striped gray with a white underbelly. There’s a pretty silver bell dangling from a blue bowtie around the cat’s neck and it is staring at him intently, head tilted at a 45 degree angle. 

“Um...hi?” Alec says cautiously, holding his hand out for the cat to sniff the backs of his fingers. Instead, it pushes forward, rubbing the side of it’s face on Alec’s hand, pacing along the counter until he can rub up against his face. 

“Okay, hello to you too.” He scratches between the cat’s ears, and the little thing purrs contentedly. He pulls away from Alec’s face and turns towards the plate of food on the counter. Hastily, Alec grabs it under the stomach with both hands to place it on the ground. 

“Oh no, I don’t think that’s for you little guy.” The cat glares at him over its shoulder, but prances off through the kitchen door unaffected, tail swishing tall behind it. 

The note. Alec grabs it again, committing the image of it to memory. What’s happening tonight and who is Biscuit? How did Magnus know that Alec loves pancake day?

He’s hungry, incredibly so, and _Angel_ the pancakes look delicious but...but it’s wrong. It all feels wrong. If this is Seelie magic he shouldn’t eat or drink anything, if it’s a trick, even if this is dark magic he knows better than to consume anything. Mournfully, he pushes the pancakes away, then thinks better of it, knowing the cat that just tried to get them, and puts the plate in the fridge. Is fruit even safe for cats? Are pancakes? Alec’s been over to Magnus’ apartment several times now and he’s never seen hide nor tail of this cat. 

Things are adding up to an impossible solution and it makes the anxiety spin in his blood even more. This must be some different world. This just...this isn’t right. Nothing is _right_. 

His phone chimes in his pocket. The message is from “Andrew Underhill.” It takes Alec a minute to place the name, but he does remember Underhill. Handsome, a little older, usually runs the early morning security detail. 

**[07:10 Andrew Underhill]** Where are you? You missed the morning briefing?

Shit. The Institute. Alec was probably on duty roster today he had to...shit. He tries to unlock his phone to respond, to apologize, say he’s on his way, but his passcode isn’t working. He tries it, again and again but...but his passcode is different. He’s had the same passcode for years, the day of his parabatai ceremony, but it’s not working. Why doesn’t he have the same passcode? He still has the parbatai rune what if...what if he has a different parabatai here. The thought staggers him. 

He presses his fingers to the rune over his shirt and tries to search for the presence at the back of his mind. It’s still there, the lingering awareness at the edges of his consciousness, the press of another’s mind back on his but it’s not the same. It’s...calmer, less volatile. He panics. No. Nonono. Not Jace. 

He grabs his phone and thigh holster and struggles into boots that look vaguely like his before rushing out the front door. 

Manhattan still looks the same, the subways are the same, the people just as nondescript. He’s looking for differences now, but it’s not until he rushes up the stairs of the Institute that he really notices any more. 

The ops room has gotten an upgrade, and he’s so busy looking around at all of it that he barely notices the odd but respectful nods he gets as people pass by him. 

“Alec.” He turns at the sound of his name and yes. Underhill. That’s him. He’s been on shift with him every so often, gone on missions together. Calm, collected and level headed. Handsome. 

“Underhill.” Alec nods at the man, stepping closer to where he’s stationed at the hub of security monitors. He gets a weird look for that. Do they call each other something different here? Damnit. 

“Are you okay?” The man asks, stepping forward and putting a hand on Alec’s bicep. Alec can’t help the slight burn that begins in his cheeks, so he shrugs out of his touch instead, pulling his hands behind his back. Underhill looks a little hurt, at the gesture, but still just seems concerned. 

“I’m fine, why do you ask?” 

“Maybe because you’re half an hour late and you look like you just rolled out of bed?” Underhill says, glancing down at Alec’s body. The thin long sleeved shirt and jeans is something he would wear around the Institute he doesn’t...he doesn’t look that off does he?

“I um…” Alec shakes his head, “I just overslept.”

“Uh huh, sure.” Underhill’s concerned gaze turns friendly, almost teasing, but he doesn’t elaborate. He just reaches over and grabs a tablet from the desk, “Let’s go to your office, I’ll recap the morning briefing for you. Also, I have an update on those security upgrades we were talking about last week.”

“Great.” Alec says, nodding at the man, “After you.” He steps aside, and though he gets another odd look for it, Underhill begins walking back towards the administrative corridor. They near his father’s old office, and with every step an odd joy begins to bubble up in him. Head of the Institute. He’s Head of the Institute. 

The office doesn’t feel like his dad anymore. It’s warmer, soft blue curtains hang over the balcony doors, the desk has several monitors set up unlike his father’s aversion to technology, and there’s a tablet sitting in the middle of his desk next to a stack of papers, some photo frames around the room. Touches of personality without being overly personal. 

He ushers Underhill into the office and walks around the desk to sit in the chair. _His_ chair. 

“I sent you a copy of the meeting notes today. Georgina is pregnant, so Yusef from my security team is going to be taking her place. Terrance and Patrick got demerits from their patrol leader. Again. I guess they went off mission to eat at some diner without notifying anyone and the rest of the patrol needed them. Another girl on patrol got injured because of it. And I switched Iesha over to desk work monitoring security, her knee injury is acting up.” 

“First time offence for the two with demerits?” Alec asks, picking the tablet up off of his desk. He tries his normal passcode again but it doesn’t work. Fuck. 

“Second time this month.” Underhill replies, looking down at the tablet in Alec’s hands curiously. Alec sets it down. 

He can’t get into his tablet, can’t get into his phone. Maybe he should reset his password, maybe...Underhill would be able to help him with that. Maybe he should...no. He seems suspicious enough already. Alec’s not going to make it through the day. He should really call Magnus but...he just can’t face him right now. 

No. 

Alec is saved from having to answer to Underhill by a knock on his door. Something achingly familiar brushes against his consciousness and it’s all he needs to ease some of the tension in his shoulders, to breathe a little easier. 

“Jace.” Alec’s surprised at the breathy tone of his voice, but the relief at _seeing_ Jace and the pinprick of their bond and knowing it’s still _their_ bond is the best thing to happen to him since he woke up. 

“Hey Alec, hope I’m not interrupting anything.” Jace glances between Alec and Underhill and Alec cuts in. 

“Of course not, what’s up?”

Jace’s brow furrows for a moment before he shakes his head and taps away at his phone. “Just got a call from Maia, there were two murders outside of Taki’s last night.” 

“Oh.” Alec says. He’s not sure who Maia is, or Taki’s, but murder is something he’s much more familiar with. But Alec is Head of the Institute here why is...“We should send a team over then.”

“Yea, Maia’s asking for us to come down ourselves. She said she’ll take ‘the other Lightwood’ if you’re busy.” Jace gives him a wry smile. “She said she tried to call you, did you lose your phone or something?”

Alec pulls the phone out of his pocket once more. There are a few missed call alerts on his home screen from ‘Maia Roberts’ and he’s confident he does not remember this person. He should really minimize the amount of people he’s interacting with but...no. He can’t stay here and bullshit more with Underhill. He’s already one misstep from blowing his cover. 

“My bad, must’ve muted my phone.” Alec stands up and pockets it, “we’ll table this for later, Underhill.” Alec nods at the man. Underhill’s mouth opens, and he looks between the two of them with utter confusion. 

“Um...Okay. I’ll just--I’ll just send you the notes I guess.” 

“Are you sure you don’t need to finish that? Andrew looked like--”

“No it’s fine, nothing important.” Alec tells Jace. Maybe it was important, Underhill probably needed to brief him about something really important but Alec hasn’t been able to breathe all morning until Jace walked through that door. Alec...hopefully the Alec that actually belongs here, can deal with the consequences of that tomorrow. 

“Okay. So about tonight.” Jace began, pulling his phone back out and looking down at it as they stalked through the Institute and through the front doors. “Izzy set up the flowers, everyone says they’re still able to come, Brother Zachariah is going to do the ceremony. Everything should be good. Clary’s going to go to dinner with Luke and then they’ll meet us here at 7:00.” 

_Fucking Clary. Of course even in this reality he’s hung up on that girl. Nothing but trouble._

Alec grabs Jace by the elbow to pull him out of the path of a mundane cyclist. 

“Shit, thanks.” Jace barely spares a glance for the collision he almost caused and just keeps tapping away at his phone. Alec rolls his eyes at his parabatai. At least this seems to be a universal constant.

“Maybe focus less on _Clary_ , and more on the dead bodies we’re on our way to see.”

“Hey, be nice, Alec.” Jace teases, gently shoving Alec with his shoulder. “It’s a special day for her. I know you’re proud of her too, don’t try to hide it.” 

“Whatever.” Alec comes to a stop at the edge of the park. He’s tempted to ask which way they should go, but it seems he’s supposed to know Maia really well and that’d probably tip Jace off, no matter how distracted he is with his sister. But if this Jace is anything like _his_ Jace…

Yep.

“Keep up, Lightwood.” Jace claps Alec on the back as he takes off South. At least Jace is nothing if not predictable. 

“After you, _Wayland_.” Jace pulls up short, shooting a pained look over his shoulder. 

“Dude. Not cool.”

Alec’s not sure what that was about, but Jace turns his attention back to his phone quickly, so he writes it off as an odd quirk of this world. He realizes half way down to Red Hook that they’re heading down towards Luke’s Pack’s territory. 

This Jace is...different. When he looks internally, Alec still feels _him_ around the edges of himself but where normally Jace is volatile, spiking and pushing against Alec before pulling away, this Jace is calmer. He can feel a nervous energy from his parabatai, but it’s not the self destructive urge Alec has grown used to. It’s almost gentle in its peaks and valleys, soft and happy.

He’s not sure what to make of it. What to make of this happier version of Jace. This Jace that can’t tear his eyes away from his phone, can’t help the soft smile on his features, the gentle look as he stares at some text conversation. Even Alec, though he’s not eager for Jace to start asking questions, gets a little annoyed at being ignored for most of their journey and peeks at Jace’s screen over his shoulder. 

Clary. 

Of course it’s still Clary. 

The knowledge sours his mood, and he has to bite down the irrational surge of bitterness at this knowledge. Knowledge that this girl, who came barreling into their lives bringing a wake of destruction and disruption in her path, has somehow been able to sooth the frayed edges of his parabatai. Alec has been here, always been here for Jace. He’s held Jace at night, he’s seen Jace’s tears and bore the brunt of his anger. He’s sacrificed and given everything and…

“You okay, man?” Jace asks as they’re walking down the docks towards where Alec knows the Jade Wolf is. 

“Fine.” Alec bites out.

“Hey.” Jace’s hand curls into Alec’s elbow and he resists the initial urge to rip his arm away from Jace’s hold. Jace notices, of course he does, and that open expression darkens a bit. “You’re acting strange, are you alright? Did something happen?”

“Nothing happened.” Alec does pull his arm away this time, suddenly angry at this _other_ Jace. “I’m fine.”

“Alec, come on.” Jace grabs his arm again, gentler this time.

“Drop it.” Alec tears his arm away from Jace, turning and walking down the docks towards the restaurant. He doesn’t stop to wait for Jace to follow, and he ignores the way Jace probes at their bond in favor of clinging to his anger. 

The anger is familiar in a way nothing else has been, not even this _other_ Jace. His grip on it is solid, and it’s so easy to slip into it and let it clear the fog from the corners of his mind, a comforting weight on his chest. 

Alec pauses when he rounds the corner and sees the entire facade of the Jade Wolf has been renovated. The sign above the door reads “Taki’s” and part of the parking lot has been converted into outdoor seating. Jace passes him by, and Alec’s half expecting a shoulder check from his parabatai, but Jace just sends an oddly hurt expression over his shoulder. 

“C’mon. Maia’s waiting for us.” Jace’s voice is quiet.

This subdued reaction is...huh. So very not Jace. Jace would push back, fight back with words to hurt but...but this just _is_ hurt. There’s something small in Alec that feels like he should reach out, to sooth the pain he caused, to fix what he fucked up but...but no. Jace is the one that’s different, that’s _wrong_. 

Alec brushes it off in favor of catching up to walk stride-in-stride with Jace. 

A petite black woman is sitting outside waiting for them, legs kicked up on one of the restaurant’s tables, typing away at her phone. When she notices them approaching, she swings her legs around and stands up. She’s pretty, in the objective way that Alec thinks Lydia and Izzy are pretty, natural hair and a lot of warm brown skin showed off in spring clothing. 

“Took you guys long enough.” she stands up, nodding at Jace before looking to Alec. She snorts a bit. “Sorry, didn’t know I was pulling you away from your better half, if so I would have asked for him too.”

“What?” Alec asks. Jace snorts but crosses his arms over his chest, looking to Alec expectantly. 

Shit. He’s missing something. He’s pretty sure his face is flushed, and Alec glares at the floor in an attempt to get it under control. 

“O-okay.” the girl, presumably Maia, says, glancing between the two of them, “Whatever’s happening there I don’t want to know. I have two bodies I think you’d be interested in. I would have just called Ken Doll over here, but I want adult eyes on this.”

“Hey.” Jace says defensively, and the woman just pats him on the shoulder as she passes by. It’s nicer in here than a few days ago when Alec was at the Jade Wolf last. The walls have a fresh coat of yellow paint, the windows are open and there’s a healthy amount of overhead lighting. It’s nicer. 

Alec is a little startled to see a young Seelie girl sitting in a corner booth, popping bubble gum with a book in her lap. Maia leads them through the back of the restaurant, through the kitchen where Alec finds a young warlock boy with dark skin and horns on his forehead preparing some food. It’s not that Alec is surprised to see Downworlders, not entirely, but for a Seelie and warlock to be working in wolf territory feels odd to say the least. 

They’re led to the back entrance and the moment Maia opens the door Alec can instantly smell the blood and decomposition. 

Alec walks closer, crouching down next to the two bodies. They’re lying prone next to one another, blood stained fingers cold, stiff and twined together. It’s two young girls, an Asian girl with claw marks across her throat and a blonde with her throat slit staring blankly at the other. It’s warm out and they’re dressed accordingly, making it easy to see the black scrawl of runes along the Asian girl’s body. 

“This is why I wanted you, one of yours, one of mine.” Maia says, coming to brush hair off of the blonde girls’ face, “This was Ola, relatively new to the pack and the area, I’ve seen the Nephillim hanging around here during Ola’s shift, they seem pretty close.”

“Kairi.” Jace says quietly, kneeling down next to the Asian girl. Neither of them could be much older than fifteen. An odd feeling crawls across the back of his neck staring at their entwined hands lying cold on the pavement. “ _Ave atque vale_ ” Jace says quietly, pressing his hand over the girl’s eyes that are frozen open, unseeing eyes cast to the blue sky above. 

“I asked Ray to come down here, but he said he was too busy, and Lily can’t exactly get out in the sun. We all know what cases like this do to tensions between Downworlders and Nephillim so…” Maia shrugs, “I don’t know. Maybe we can get out in front of this one before people panic.”

“Were your cameras working?” Jace asks.

“No.” Maia shakes her head, “I checked footage first thing when I found them. I think Kairi came to walk Ola home after her shift, you see them come down the alley then the feed is cut.” 

“Will you show me?” Jace asks, standing up. Maia nods and leads him back into the restaurant. 

Alec can’t stop looking at their hands. Maia said they were close, she was walking Ola home after her shift. A werewolf and a Shadowhunter. Two young girls. The Shadowhunter looks like she was cut open and attacked by a wolf, the wolf looks like it was a Seraph blade that did her in. This was done to send a message.

He’s a little nauseous thinking about what that message is. But this isn’t his world, he doesn’t have the energy to reflect on the implications of this. 

* * *

**iii**

* * *

It’s quite possibly the longest day of Alec’s life. He keeps half expecting to turn around and this world will disappear, but for every hour that clicks over on the clock, it all settles in and starts to feel uncomfortably real. They’re at Maia’s for most of the morning, and by early afternoon when they leave she mentions meeting them at the Institute later. 

He rejects Jace’s offer of getting lunch as he’s still dubious about eating food in this world. He can’t risk it being some Seelie trick. 

There’s some event tonight, at 7:00 if Jace is to be believed, which honestly Alec wouldn’t bet his life on Jace’s time management skills, but he doesn’t have any other answers. Alec checks his phone periodically, not that he can really do anything with it other than read the messages on the screen. He was able to take photos at the crime scene, but other than that it’s little more than a brick in his pocket. 

When they get back to the Institute, Alec checks it and sees he has a few more text messages.

 **[12:12 Maia Roberts]** I’ll speak with Ola’s family. As Alpha, I’ll be happy to speak with Kairi’s family if they ask. 

Ah. That made sense. 

**[12:34 Izzy]** Heading out with Simon. We’ll be back for the ceremony tonight. 

**[12:41 Magnus Bane]** Tessa is still upset I haven’t brought you to see her so she’s making me sit next to Malcom all day. >:(

Alec is so distracted by Magnus texting him that he barely questions why Izzy is with the vampire at all. He has so many questions like who the hell Tessa and Malcom are, but more importantly why in the hell Magnus is texting him. He doesn’t understand his relationship with Magnus in this world, doesn’t understand who they are to one another or why Magnus is so casual about it. 

Did they...did he sleep with Magnus frequently here? Surely not if he’s Head of the Institute, they wouldn’t let him have a relationship with a guy let alone…

Alec goes to his room to find some workout clothes. He plans to waste the afternoon away trying not to think about Magnus Bane and the broad golden expanse of his backside. But his bedroom gives him pause, it seems...stale almost, and the decor is very different. Printed pillows and a blue bedspread, wilting plants and soft curtains hanging from the ceiling. 

Not exactly his spartan bedroom decor back home. 

He tries not to question the fact that he really only has some sparse clothing in his dresser, gear, athletic clothes, some sleep pants and a few changes of street clothes. Everything here is so strange. 

* * *

Izzy finds him sweat drenched in the gym a few hours later, seeming irate and annoyed. Well, she doesn’t seem to change between worlds either. 

“What in the hell are you doing?” She asks, coming up and slapping him on the shoulder. 

“Ow.” 

“Oh shut up.” Izzy looks around and then glances down at her phone. “Honestly I expect this from Jace not you.” Izzy wraps one of her small hands around Alec’s forearm and attempts to drag him away. 

“Excuse you.” He pulls his arm gently from her grip, but she digs her nails in instead. 

“Nope, we have fifteen minutes until Clary gets here and you promised to have everything ready by then.” Begrudgingly, he lets her pull him down the hall towards their bedrooms. ”Please tell me you brought a change of clothes.”

“Uh…” Alec trails off, “Well I-”

Izzy just groans and pulls him down the hall, pushing him into his bedroom. “Take a shower. I’ll be back in five minutes, I don’t care if you’re naked or not.”

“Iz.”

“Nope, shower and change. Now.” 

He finds a few dress shirts hanging up in the closet and grabs one at random to wear. The shirt seems...expensive. It’s soft and silky smooth to touch, like something Izzy would bring home for him from one of her shopping trips. The color gives him pause. It’s burgundy, more rich than he’s personally used to, but it looks strikingly like the color of Magnus’ jacket from the wedding. Showing up dressed to the nines and looking at Alec like he was the last life raft adrift on the sea. 

He puts the shirt on and meets Izzy out in the hallway. She brushes the shirt over his chest for any wrinkles, checks his hair and cuffs and--

“Where’s your ring?” She asks, grabbing his left hand. 

“What?”

“Your ring?” She prompts again, brows furrowed as she looks up at him. There’s something searching in her gaze that sets Alec on edge and he scrambles to explain it away. 

“I must’ve misplaced it, I was looking for it this morning and couldn’t find it anywhere.” Alec tries to smile reassuringly at his sister. She’s not as easy to dismiss as Underhill was, not preoccupied like Jace. Her entire attention is on him and he’s about to flounder under her gaze when she pulls back.

“You better find it.” She says, with no less suspicion in her gaze.

“I will.” 

She takes off down the hall and he follows. 

Izzy seems different here too. She’s not wearing overly revealing clothing, her makeup is toned down, she seems...more content than his sister. An easy confidence has her walking with her chest out, chin held parallel to the ground. He loves this look on Izzy and wonders what’s so different between his Izzy and this one that has her acting like this. 

Just yesterday for Alec this room was strung up in wedding runes and flowers, but now the West Wing is decked out for a ceremony. The dias sits before the stained glass window, red flowers and burning candles line the room. Sunlight pours in through the window, casting a soft glow in a fractal of colors. A stele sits on a cushion in the middle of the dias, adamas glowing under the sun.

This is a rune ceremony. 

There’s a silent brother standing by the dias at the front of the room, bone colored robes sweeping against the ground. Maia is here along with a skinny dark haired kid, probably her second, and they’re talking to a Latino man.

He wants to loop Izzy’s hand through his elbow, ask her who all of this is for but he can’t. 

Then Jace walks in. He’s dressed handsomely in a black suit, his blonde hair combed back off of his head neatly. There’s always a small singing in the bond when Alec sees Jace, something that feels _right_ again, as if they were never meant to be parted. Jace is walking in with a Seelie, not any Seelie. Meliorn. 

If Alec’s eyes could roll into the back of his head permanently, they would. Why was Meliron here, was it for Izzy? Before he can dissect _that,_ Clary Fairchild walks into the room with the vampire. The fiery red hair of hers is pulled back neatly and the dress she’s wearing makes her seem...more mature than the Clary he remembers. Her hand is linked through the vampire’s arm. 

Izzy guides them over towards Clary, and his sister breaks away to pull her into a hug. Alec just nods at her. He’s standing besides Izzy when Simon begins to take a few more steps into the room towards Jace.

Alec tracks him for a moment and sees the vampire walk into a patch of sunlight streaming in through the windows. He lunges without thinking, pushing Simon back and out of the light. 

“What are you doing?” He demands, removing his grip from the vampire. Simon looks at Alec as if _he_ has two heads, as if Simon hadn’t just tried to walk right into the sunlight. How did Simon even get here with the sun still out?

“What are you talking about, Alec?” Simon asks, bewilderment bleeding in with concern. 

“Alec?” Izzy’s voice is at his side, and he turns to her but she brushes past him and straight to Simon. She cups the vampire’s face with one hand, the other pressed over his chest. “Simon what happened?”

“I don’t know.” The vampire says, putting a hand on Izzy’s waist. “Alec-”

What.

“The sunlight. You--”

“What’s going on?” He turns towards his mother’s voice and is frozen still. She’s standing in the entryway on Luke’s arm. Luke has black runes peeking out from under his dress shirt, and his mother’s arms are bare like he’s never seen them before.

“What the hell?”

He’s suddenly pushed from behind, a sharp pressure behind his knees causing him to fall to the ground. His arm is wrenched up behind his back as his face is pushed down into the ground. He struggles for a moment before he feels a sharp pain on the back of his head and passes out. 

* * *

**iv**

* * *

He’s cold. For a few blissful moments, he forgets where he is, like he can feel the phantom surroundings of his bedroom. If he opened his eyes he’d be facing the windows of his bedroom, he could roll over and grab the Seraph dagger from under his pillow. 

But the illusion is shattered as it dawns on him that the surface beneath him is _too_ cold and hard to be his mattress, that the temperature here is chilled and damp and the air is faintly sage-scented. No. This isn’t his bedroom. 

At least he wakes up alone this time. 

There’s an ache on the back of his head that seems to pulse in time with his heart, and the dim fluorescent lights surge along with them. Groaning, he rolls over onto his side on the cold floor. The nausea makes its presence known and he rolls onto hands and knees to dry heave a few times. Nothing comes up.

Alec bends down, pressing his forehead to the cold stone floor of the jail cell trying to get the world to stop spinning. He focuses on breathing deep and knows without reaching for it that the weight of his thigh holster is gone, along with his jacket. A hand presses gently on his shoulder blades and Alec lurches at the contact, but he just heaves again. The steadying press against his back is grounding. 

Finally, he manages to sit back on his knees, breathing heavily.

“Here.” A bottle of water is held out in front of Alec, and it takes far too long for his gaze to travel up to the person’s face. The guy, the handsome one. Underhill. Alec wants the water, he wants it desperately, his mouth feels dry like cotton and tastes like stomach acid but...no. Don’t eat or drink anything. 

He pushes the bottle away with little force, and he’d shake his head at the other man if he weren’t afraid of going into another round of dry heaving. 

“You sure?” Underhill offers again and Alec mutters an affirmative answer. 

“Isabelle got you pretty good.” The man posits, softly pressing his fingers against the back of Alec’s head, right where all of his ache is centered. Underhill’s kind enough not to say anything when Alec groans. 

“I knew you were acting off today.” The man says, moving his hand to rub Alec’s upper back.

“‘M fine.” Alec bites out, shrinking away from the other man’s touch. 

“Sure you are.” Underhill pats Alec’s back and then stands up. “Looks like the cavalry’s coming.” 

Alec glances over and sees Izzy, Jace and his mother walking towards his cell through the thick pane of glass, speaking animatedly with one another. 

Alec tries to stand, but stumbles over his own feet. Underhill catches him under the arm and guides him to sit on the bench. 

He can hear raised voices outside of the door, before they fall silent and the damn thing is pulled open again. The rusted groan of metal seems to be directly wired into his nervous system and Alec has to close his eyes against the way his brian recoils from it. 

“Has he said anything?” Izzy demands, walking directly up to Alec and planting her feet in front of him. 

“No.” Underhill answers, “I think you gave him a concussion though, don’t go too hard on him.”

“Underhill, he’s an _imposter_.” Izzy hisses.

“You don’t know that, Iz.” Jace protests. 

Underhill steps away from him and everyone else in the room begins to argue, their voices climbing over one another at record pace. 

“God, will you please shut up.” Alec groans, leaning his head back against the wall to look down at them. Izzy and Jace look _offended_ and his mother just seems overly concerned. It’s an odd look on her. She’s usually so stern, so composed, a cold pillar to measure up to. 

“That sure sounds like Alec.” Jace says, drawing the sharp ire of Isabelle. 

“You’re not my brother.” Isabelle turns back to him, her ponytail whipping fiercely around her, all sharp edges and deadly glares. 

“That’s what I said when mom and dad brought you home but they didn’t buy it.”

Jace snorts at that, and Izzy smacks his chest with the back of her hand. “It’s not funny.”

“It’s kind of funny.”

“Really? Because our brother would _never_ forget his ring,” Izzy gestured down to Alec’s bare hands. Alec looks at them too. They look like his hands, there are familiar calluses on his fingertips and across his palms. But there, on his left hand, is a small band of skin paler than the rest. Huh.

“It’s still Alec though.” Jace insists, “I can feel him. It’s Alec.”

Izzy makes a dissenting noise.

“I _am_ Alec.” He says, tracing the pale band around his ring finger. He hedges a glance at Jace and his mother but settles on Izzy. 

“What do you mean?” Maryse asks, stepping closer to him. 

“I don’t know.” Alec shrugs, so tired of all of this. He just wants to go home, he wants his cold stiff sheets, he wants the Jace with frayed edges and pretty eyes, his sister’s crop tops, his mother’s runes. He wants...he wants to sleep. 

“Why am I supposed to believe you?” Izzy says, crossing her arms and looking down her chin at him. Alec glances around at all of them. 

“You’re still my sister, even if you’re...different. You’re still her.”

“Prove it.” Jace counters, arms crossed just like Isabelle. “Tell us something only Alec would know.” 

Alec glances around at the other occupants in the room, “You really want me to go there?” Izzy tips her chin up a bit higher and Jace tilts his head.

“Fine. Jace when you were thirteen you tried to bleach your hair platinum but it just came out green and we all pretended to believe that you just really liked baseball caps that summer.” Jace unfolds his arms and pouts, Alec turns his attention to his sister. “And you Iz, remember when you were convinced you were in love with Hodge and you made me--” 

“God, stop!” Izzy interrupts, glaring at Alec with flushed cheeks. Alec can’t help but grin at his sister. 

“This doesn’t confirm anything.” Izzy hisses at the same time that Jace moves. Jace steps closer to Alec, and there’s Jace poking at the rift where their beings bleed into one another. He comes forward and tentatively grabs Alec’s left hand, a calloused thumb brushing over the white band of skin there. Jace’s skin feels both foreign and organic on his own, like his body recognizes it as part of his own body. The parabatai bond hums at the contact. 

“I don’t understand.” his mother says quietly, arms folded over her chest. “Have you just forgotten?”

“I don’t know.” Alec says, closing his eyes. The warm pulse of the bond soothes the raw nerves in his mind, easing the nausea in his stomach, steadying his pulse. It’s like coming home. 

Jace pulls away suddenly and Alec could weep at the loss of contact, at the way he has to bend back into himself, Jace snapping from his mind like a rubber band. Alec opens his eyes and-oh. Shit. No. 

Magnus Bane stands in front of him, impossibly looking more handsome than Alec remembers. The expensive clothing, the jewelry, the streaked hair, it’s all just so universally Magnus that Alec aches to look at him. Even under the ugly fluorescence down here, Magnus looks like a vision in gold, shining radiant like the sun.

As if shining too bright to look at, Alec has to tear his eyes away from the other man. He fights the blush working its way up his face at the memory of the bruises sucked into his skin and a warm body pressed against his own this morning. 

“Alexander.” Magnus’ voice purrs over his name and he averts his gaze further, staring at scuffs on Underhill’s shoes. He doesn’t get away with it though. Magnus grabs his jaw gently, forcing Alec’s gaze back on him. His heart is beating too fast and without the ease of the bond his head pounds in tandem. Alec has to look up at Magnus from his seat, and the man stares down with concern drawn across his expression.

“What happened to you, darling?” Magnus’ voice is quiet, as if only meant to fill the space between their bodies. Drawn in by his dark eyes, Alec wants to pull away, he wants to pull back and recede to where it’s safe, but the fingers on his jaw anchor him and everyone else in the room seems to fade away.

He’s transfixed as Magnus’ right hand comes up and caresses the side of his head, fingers pressing through the messy strands there. There’s no pressure on his inflamed skull, only a jolt of electricity down his spine and a gentle cool press against the area. It tingles down his body, through to his fingers and toes and Alec can’t help but close his eyes at the sensation, pressing into Magnus’ hand. 

The cool pressure prods at Alec’s consciousness, but it’s no more intrusive than the feel of Jace in his mind. No, the pressure is soothing, seeking out and easing aches and pains, dampening the frayed nerves. 

The pressure abates smoothly and Alec yearns to chase it, to bring it back and cling to it. But it eases up completely and Alec blinks his eyes open. Most of the pounding in his head has eased into a low-level ache, his stomach feels calmer as he’s released from whatever sort of trance he had fallen into, but he still can’t look away from Magnus.

Magnus doesn’t seem sad, not upset or scared, just...tender, curious in a way. 

“How did you get here, Alec?” He asks, fingers finally carding through his hair.

“I don’t know.”

“Magnus?” Alec’s mother asks, and just like that the spell is broken. Alec pulls back from Magnus leaning as far back against the wall as he can get. He’s mortified, can’t believe he just let Magnus touch him _like that_ in front of his mother, his siblings. He chances a look at his mother but...but she seems unfazed by all of this, Jace and Izzy just look equal shades of concerned and upset. 

Magnus crosses his arms over his chest, leaning back a bit himself to take a look at Alec, who melts under his gaze. 

“Well it _is_ Alec.” Magnus shrugs.

“Told you.” Jace says, nudging Izzy who just glares at him in response. 

“Is it magic?” Alec asks, drawing the attention of his siblings again, “Seelie magic, or a curse?”

“It doesn’t feel like anything has affected you.” Magnus steps closer again, snapping his fingers to spark the blue haze of his magic. He steps closer again to hover his hand over Alec’s skull, and once again the electricity of it crawls down Alec’s spine. “It’s...you’re still _you_ it’s just like part of you is displaced. You’re different.”

Magnus pulls back, “You were acting weird this morning, when did this start?”

Blanching, Alec glances at his family, but they have no reaction to the knowledge that Alec was with Magnus this morning. Is it...Is that normal here? God he’s so fucking tired of this.

“I woke up like this.” Alec looks at all of them, “everything is different here. I don’t…” He trails off and nobody else in the room seems to know what to say either. 

“What’s the last thing you remember, Alec?” Jace asks.

The memory feels far away, and it takes Alec a moment to find it again. “The wedding, I was getting married.”

“To who?” Izzy asks, taking a tentative step closer.

“Lydia.”

“Oh.” his mother says. Izzy and Jace both seem to recoil at that, but Magnus stills. Oddly so. 

“You were at the wedding, then you just woke up in bed this morning?” Magnus says, and Alec can only nod in the affirmative. “We need to take him to Catarina.” 

“Who is that?” Alec asks

Magnus seems surprised at the question, but quickly collects himself. “She’s a friend of mine, works in healing magic. If there’s something wrong with you, she’ll be able to find it.” He looks to Isabelle, “I’m going to step out and call her, if she’s free I’ll take him over right away.”

Izzy nods as Magnus turns to leave the room, pulling his phone out of his pocket. 

After a heavy moment of silence, his mother steps forward and cups the side of his head. “Are you feeling alright, sweetheart?” she asks. 

What the fuck?

Alec looks to Izzy, and even Jace, but neither of them are reacting to how fucking weird it is to hear an endearment from his mother’s mouth. Alec can’t help but stare at her then. Her expression is so _open_ , he can see concern and some underlying fear in her gaze and...the deflect rune isn’t on her neck. 

He starts to stamp down his questions but...but they know now. There’s no reason not to ask. He grabs his mother’s arm, turning it over. The Angelic rune is gone, the adamus ink removed from her skin like it was never there in the first place.

“What happened?” He asks, tracing the faintly raised scars on her skin, the only evidence left of runes he’s known longer than his own. 

She breathes deeply, “It’s a long story, sweetheart. Let’s just worry about you for right now, alright?”

Alec opens his mouth to protest, but his mother just shakes her head and withdraws from his grip. Before he can say anything further, Jace speaks up.

“Is this why you snapped at me earlier?” Jace purses his lips, “Are we like, fighting or something where you come from?” 

“No.” Alec rolls his eyes, “You wouldn’t shut up about Clary, it annoyed me.” 

Jace sputters, but Isabelle laughs, a sudden and full-bodied bark of a laugh. Alec smiles too, and Underhill next to him chuckles. 

“Okay, yea, you are Alec.” Izzy wipes under her eyes, “oh that’s hilarious.”

“It’s not--”

“It is.” She cuts Jace off.

“I was half tempted to say something this morning when you showed up late and couldn’t remember how to log into your computer.” Underhill says with an amused smile.

“My passwords aren’t working.” Alec shrugs, “Haven’t been able to get in my phone either.”

“So that’s why you wouldn’t text me back.” Izzy nods, “I thought you were just in a _mood_ today.”

“Well I’m certainly in a _mood_ after you cracked my skull open.” 

“I didn’t hit you that hard.” Izzy brushes him off. Alec has to scoff. 

“You concussed me!” 

“But you’re fine now.” She shrugs with that stupid smug smile of hers. It’s always driven him up a wall. 

“Alright.” Magnus comes into the room, pocketing his cell phone, “Come on, Alexander, we’re going.”

“Oh.” Alec stands up and the world only spins a little bit this time. He looks to Izzy, and Jace, waiting for one of them to go with him but…

“If it’s alright Magnus, I’d like to come with.” His mother steps forward, setting a steadying hand on Alec’s back. Not the companion he would have chosen. “Jace, Izzy, go back upstairs and celebrate with Clary.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” His mother nods.

“Mom.”

“Isabelle.” That’s the tone he remembers, unyielding with a finality he’s always admired when directed at others, and hated when used on him.

Alec’s never quite gotten used to traveling by portal. He’s done it loads of times, but every time the weightlessness of it always bottoms out his stomach, this time, coupled with the concussion, he staggers into a wall on the other side of the portal, dry heaving once more. 

His mother rubs his back through the worst of it, and that’s still _fucking weird_. When his vision clears, Magnus is standing within the foyer of a brownstone toe-to-toe with a dark skinned woman with braided hair wearing pink, rumpled medical scrubs. 

She gestures through an open doorway and his mother helps guide him to sit down on a plush looking couch. He brushes aside a fleece blanket and some stuffed animals so he can sit down. Catarina comes to stand behind him as his mother sits down next to him, Magnus hovering nearby. 

He’s a little nervous about having an unknown warlock at his back, prone for her to use any magic she wants on him, but his mother’s got a hand on his arm and Magnus is right there, arms crossed over his chest and...and he trusts Magnus. Inexplicably still. 

“Alright hun, just relax for me.” Catarina’s hands set on his shoulders gently, but he still jumps at the contact. Goosebumps sprout on the back of his neck as she draws magic to her fingers, and he can’t see it, but it _feels_ different than Magnus’s. Magnus’s magic is a livewire, unstable electricity, but Catarina’s is softer, more controlled, almost gentle. It tastes sterile. 

Her magic seems to fill his head and he closes his eyes against the weird pressure behind his eyes, he can feel the magic in his sinuses and the taste is strong on his tongue. 

“What exactly happened here?”

“We’re not sure.” Magnus responds to her, “He says he just woke up like this. I checked and didn’t feel any sort of magic or curse, Seelie, warlock or otherwise. I want to rule out any memory loss.” 

“His hippocampus feels fine, no inflammation or irritation. Thyroid is normal.” Catarina says, and her magic seems to poke something in his brain that makes him sneeze. She mutters a quick apology but keeps probing. “I mean, does the concussion have anything to do with this?”

“No, that happened recently.” Alec responds, relaxing into the magic as it seems to envelop his skull. But it’s soon withdrawn.

“The only inflammation is from the concussion, which I soothed as best I could, but head wounds are tricky, you gotta deal with that one on your own.” She pats Alec’s shoulder and then rounds the couch to sit on the coffee table in front of him. 

“Nothing?” Magnus asks, face still not betraying anything he may be feeling. 

“Nothing.” She shakes her head. “Human brains are tricky enough as is, but generally with memory loss there’s swelling or irritation, loss or deterioration in the cells and tissue of the brain. Typically we’d see something around the hippocampus to tell us that, but I’m not getting anything there, and the cortex itself seems fine.”

Cat leans back on the coffee table and looks at Alec more thoroughly. “It doesn’t seem like anything’s been taken away like you might see if someone had their memories removed. Typically there’s a sort of void left where the memories once were, but I don’t feel anything like that.”

“So, if it’s not memory loss what does that mean?” His mother asks. 

“I wish Ragnor were here.” Magnus adjusts the cuff on his ear, “he had a much better mind for this stuff.”

“What stuff?” Alec asks.

“Well, if it’s not magic, and it’s not medical then...the only other solution is that you seem to be...displaced. It’s likely you got mixed up in the timeline somewhere.”

“Everything else about this world seems like it’s the same, the people, the places. I’m just missing a lot. How would that even happen?”

“It can be any number of things.” Magnus shrugs, “Time isn’t necessarily linear, it’s not unheard of for people to slip in and out of their proper place in time. Usually there’s some sort of catalyst, a magical burst strong enough to pop you out of place. Did you encounter anything like that yesterday?”

“No.” Alec shakes his head, closing his eyes against the pressure in his head, “maybe the Alec from this time, your Alec, did something?”

“Possibly. But we were together for most of the day yesterday, I would have noticed something that strong.”

A tense silence settles over the small crowd, but it’s certainly not vacant. Catarina yawns, his mother grips his arm tightly and Magnus seems to be thinking loud enough for everyone in the room. 

“Alec, I’ll grab you some medicine for that headache, just sit tight, alright?” Catarina says, patting Alec’s knee as she stands. “Magnus, walk with me.” She grabs Magnus by the elbow and heads back out into the foyer. 

Alec glances down at his hands once they leave, and sighs at the pink-rimmed skin of his cuticles. He tears the last little bit of raised flesh off, pursing his lip as it stings. His mother seems distracted, tapping away at her cell phone, but keeping her side pressed against Alec’s. The contact, though odd coming from her, is nice. 

Catarina and Magnus return shortly, and she hands him a glass of water along with two small white pills. Alec takes them as they’re offered, but leaves the pills in his hand, examining the glass of water. He’s so fucking thirsty but…

“It’s just ibuprofen, Alec.” Catarina says, sounding amused. “I know that the medical staff has that at the Institute.” 

“No they do, I just…” Alec glances up at her, and chances a look at Magnus’ face. He seems upset. Something gnaws in Alec’s gut at the knowledge that he’s the one that upset Magnus. That’s an expression he remembers from _before._ That look in his apartment as Alec started talking and could not stop, couldn’t think past the corner Magnus had backed him into. The panic. 

(“ _You don't have any clue what I feel... so back off. This is all just a game to you, isn't it?_ ”)

“Alec?” Magnus asks, and Alec barely refrains from flinching at his voice. He can’t look at him. 

“I haven’t...if it’s Seelie magic I don’t want to consume anything.” Alec says, staring at the water in his hand. 

“Sweetheart, trust me, it’s just good old New York City tap water.” Catarina scoffs. 

Alec nods but he can’t shake the trepidation. 

“Here.” Magnus steps forward and Alec is forced by something greater than himself to look up into the other man’s face. “Do you trust me?”

( _“I trust you. I don’t know why, but I do.”_ )

“Yes,” Alec answers. There’s something intrinsic about Magnus, something about the other man that he hasn’t been able to shake. He’s only known him for a few weeks at most, and yet since that night with the demon, since “there’s nothing to be ashamed of, Alec” he’s felt comfortable around the man in a way he hasn’t with anyone else. Like Magnus looks at him and can see through a glamour he doesn’t know how to take down. 

Magnus smiles, something soft and genuine and Alec’s chest tightens a bit because -- _has he ever seen Magnus smile like that before?_ Magnus reaches out and runs the pad of his index finger around the rim of the cup and blue fog runs along the glass, making the water glow for a moment before fading. 

“There, all clean.” 

Trust. He’s just got to trust Magnus. There’s something about this Magus that is familiar in a way nobody else has been. Jace, who he knows more intimately than anyone, feels fundamentally different, soft where he remembers rough edges, gentle where his Jace is biting. Izzy is usually volatile, a thunderstorm contained in tight dresses and lipstick, but here she’s calm and settled. And his mother? That difference is starker than any of the others. 

But Magnus is the same for the most part. Magnus is still coiffed hair and expensive clothing, he still draws Alec in like a moth to a flame, still able to see through Alec clearer than glass. Still forward and warm. Maybe more warm. At his core, Magnus is still Magnus.

Magnus is hundreds of years old. Magnus has helped him time and time again at no cost. He summoned a demon and defended his sister in court and then rejected his payment. If he can trust anyone here, it should be Magnus. 

It’s just a choice he has to make. 

The pills are chalky on his tongue but there are no immediate effects from the water. 

His mother runs her fingers along the back of his head, and it’s sore but not painful. Actually, her fingers in his hair feels nice. Alec hands the glass back to Catarina and then folds his hands in his lap again, rubbing at the knuckle of his index finger. 

“Maryse?” His mother stands up at Magnus’ questioning tone, so Alec follows suit, but she detaches herself from his side to go over to Magnus. Magnus guides her across the room with a hand on her elbow and Alec can’t help but roll his eyes. He’s not a child, they don’t need to coddle him like this. 

Catarina snorts, seemingly amused. She doesn’t say anything though, just folds her arms over her chest and _looks_ at Alec.

“What?” 

“Well, you’re certainly different aren’t you?” She shakes her head and then bends over to pick up the stuffed animals off the floor. 

Alec rubs harder at his knuckles. She picks some of the toys up and then straightens with a pained hand to her back. 

“Here.” He grabs the stuffed tiger from her hands, “I’ll do that.”

“Alec, you don’t--”

“It’s fine.” He shoos her away. There are more toys on the ground than he realized, but quickly he has all of the stuffed animals and dolls gathered and set down in the pink bin by the couch. There are pieces of a children’s puzzle and small books on the ground and he stacks them neatly on the coffee table. 

“Thank you.” Catarina says from the couch. 

Alec holds his hands behind his back and rolls his shoulders back. Magnus and his mother are still talking quietly on the other side of the room and Catarina looks like she’s five minutes from being asleep.

“Thank you.” He says, “For helping me. You didn’t have to and--thank you.” 

Catarina seems to study him for a moment with an amused expression. 

“You’re welcome, hun. Don’t worry about it. I’ll just call in the favor next time I need a sitter.” 

Alec glances down at the dragon puzzle on the coffee table and all of the ribbons and toys in the bin. There’s a child that lives here. A warlock child. “Are we...do I know you? This Alec, I mean. Does he know you well?”

“Yes, you know me. Some days I’d even go so far as to say we’re friends.” Catarina nods with a smile, “My daughter Madzie loves you, she’ll be sad she slept through a visit.”

“Madzie.” The name feels foreign to him still, just like Catarina. “I’ll have to remember that.”

“Yes you will.” 

“Alright, Cat, don’t scare my...Alec.” Magnus is next to Alec now. He reached out, as if to touch Alec’s arm but pulled back. Alec almost wishes he had touched him. “Darling, you’re going to come back to my apartment with me, alright?”

Alec looks over at his mother, but she has no real reaction to that. This new weird version of his mom is confusing. “Um…”

“Don’t worry Alec, Magnus will take care of you.” His mother does walk over, but only to set a comforting hand on Alec’s arm. “I’ll update your brother and sister, if either of you need anything just let us know.” 

“Shouldn’t I go back to the Institute?” Alec asks, looking between Magnus and his mother. 

“I’ll answer all of your questions back at my place, alright?” Magnus says with an expression that should probably be reassuring but just sets Alec on edge more. What aren’t they telling him?

His mother kisses his cheek before stepping through one portal, and then after a hug and kiss for Catarina, Magnus sets a hand on Alec’s back and leads him through another. He’s far less nauseous this time, no dry heaving or puking, but he does lean against Magnus and breathe deeply for a few moments to reorient himself. 

“Why don’t you sit down, I’ll get you some more water and we can talk.” Magnus walks off towards the kitchen, and Alec makes his way into the living room. At least this place is vaguely familiar. Alec discards his jacket across the back of the couch before sitting down in the living room. 

Magnus’ apartment is still so different from his time. Over Magnus shuffling around in the other room, he hears the twinkle of a bell and looks towards the source. But instead of the small gray cat from this morning, the one perched on the armchair across from him is gray, fluffy, and grumpy looking. 

Alec looks behind him, but nothing’s there. Yea. No. The cat is glaring at him.

“Hi?” he says but it just huffs and hops down off of the airchair. Alec’s braced for the thing to claw at him, but instead it jumps up on the couch next to Alec and promptly drapes itself across his lap. Alec tentatively scratches the cat’s head, and that might be a purr he feels on his legs. 

“Seriously?” Magnus says, eyes locked onto the cat in Alec’s lap. He’s holding two mugs and walks over to hand one to Alec. It’s warm in his hands and smells vaguely sweet. 

“What?” 

“I swear the only reason he tolerates me is because he loves you.” Magnus lounges back in the armchair the cat had previously been in, crossing one leg elegantly over the other.

“The other one was nice too.” Alec says, running his fingers down across the cat’s back. 

“Chair?” Magnus asks, “Is he around here?”

“No, I saw him this morning.” Alec says, and then pauses. “Wait, you named your cat ‘Chair’?”

Magnus rolls his eyes with a smile, “No, Alexander, I have better taste than that.”

“What’s his name then?”

“Chairman Meow.” 

Alec snorts, careful not to spill the hot liquid in his mug. 

“That really doesn’t help your argument here.”

“Okay, well you named _him_ Church. At least I named my cat something original.” Magnus smiles around the rim of his mug, taking a sip of it. 

“Wait, I named him?”

“Yes. You named him Church because you found him outside the Institute. Poor thing was soaking wet outside, so you fed him for a week and then insisted on keeping him. He was sick, his fur was matted and we had to shave him. It was a whole ugly affair. At least _I_ get points for creativity.”

“If he’s mine, why is he at your apartment?” Alec asks, taking a sip of the tea in the mug, relishing the warm drag down his throat. 

Magnus cradles his mug in his lap and looks at Alec with an oddly serious expression. “That would be because you live here.”

Fuck. fuck fuckfuck

Alec tightens his hands around the mug, focusing on the warm burn of it on his hands. It makes sense. His clothes, all of his stuff was here and his bedroom at the Institute barely had the basics in it. 

“Talk to me, Alec.” Magnus says gently.

“I don’t understand.” Alec says. The more he thinks about it, the more conclusions he jumps to, the more possibilities reveal themselves to him and--and it’s too much. 

“This is why I wanted to get you away from your family, so you wouldn’t get overwhelmed and hopefully I can help you understand. Let me tell you and then you can ask questions, alright?” Magnus’ voice is nice, but it does nothing to soothe the anxiety bubbling beneath the surface. “We’re married. We live together. We have two cats. You’re Head of the Institute. I’m High Warlock of Brooklyn.” 

“Married?” Alec asks. He shifts his hold of the mug to look at the pale band of skin around his ring finger. It explains why he has no wedding rune, explains why he woke up here this morning and why he has his own section of Magnus’ closet. 

“Where’s Lydia?” Alec asks, still looking down at his hand.

“I believe Lydia is working out of the Seattle Institute at the moment.” Magnus says, “In fact, you guys met up just last month at a meeting in Idris, I believe she’s dating a nice young man named Harrison.”

“Fuck.” 

Alec’s head is starting to hurt again. 

“And...and everyone is just okay with that? With us?” He looks up at Magnus for the first time. His expression is intent, focused on Alec, but there’s something concerned lurking beneath the surface. “I mean, you’re a warlock and...and we’re both…”

“Don’t hurt yourself there, Alec.” 

“Magnus.”

“I know, sorry.” Magnus takes a sip of his tea, “Obviously opinions don’t change overnight Alec, not _everyone_ approves. But the people that matter do. Jace and Isabelle, your parents, Max, they all love you and want you to be happy.”

Alec has to look away from Magnus, diverting his attention down to the cat in his lap. His hand spans Church’s entire back, but the fur is soft between his fingers, his body warm, his breath steady. Maybe all of this is a dream, a future where he can have what he wants and not lose anyone. That his mother will still love him, he can still have his career, and he doesn’t have to sacrifice one thing he wants for another. 

He refuses to blink, knowing the moisture in his eyes will spill over if he does. 

He feels Magnus sit down next to him on the couch and his mug is taken from his hand. “Sweetheart,” Magnus’ voice is gentle, and his fingers card through the short hairs along the back of Alec’s neck. His hand is broader than his mothers was, and the warm weight of it there is calming in a way different from when she did it. “It’s a lot to take in, Alexander. Just breathe.”

“And...us?” Alec looks over at Mangus, sitting _so close_ to him that he can feel Magnus’ breath on the side of his neck. 

_(“Your skin tingles when they stand close enough to feel their breath.”)_

“Yes.” Magnus smiles, and it’s somehow more beautiful up close like this. Where he can see every softened line around his eyes, the upward curve of his brows, the flutter of his eyelashes. 

“Magnus I--” What does he even say? That he never imagined this was a possible future? That he’s not sure any of this is real? That having Magnus and his family and his career all feels too good to be true? That he longs to lean forward and kiss Magnus? That--

“It’s okay, Alec.” Magnus scratches lightly along the back of Alec’s head, “I’m going to figure out what happened to you, alright? I’ll fix this. But in the meantime, you don’t need to worry so much. Just trust me.”

“I do.” Alec nods, leaning back into Magnus’ grip on the back of his neck, “I do trust you.”

“Good.” Magnus purses his lips and stares at Alec for a moment before leaning forward and pressing his lips to Alec’s cheek.

* * *

**v**

* * *

“Did you seriously put the pancakes in the fridge, Alec?” Magnus asks, half bent over into the refrigerator. 

“I didn’t want to like...die if this was some Seelie fever dream.”

“Do you dream of me frequently, Alec?” Magnus asks cheekily, looking at Alec over his shoulder. Alec purses his lips, trying not to smile around the blush. “How embarrassing.”

“Magnus.”

“I tease, I tease.” Magnus lets the fridge door fall shut. He rounds to the other side of the kitchen island and hops up, folding one leg under him to get comfortable on the wooden surface. “Does anything sound good? It’s pretty late, but you should eat something.” 

“Whatever is fine,” Alec glances around the kitchen. It’s almost impossibly clean, no dishes in the sink, no food sitting out on the counter. 

Magnus reaches for the middle of the island and plucks a stack of papers out, handing half to Alec and keeping half for himself. “Find something that looks good, we’ll order in.” 

They must leaf through the menus for fifteen minutes before Alec gives up and leans away from the island. “Will you just pick something?”

“Nothing sound good?” Magnus asks, studying a bright pink menu.

“Not really, and I can’t even read half of these.” Alec picks up one of the leaflets, “Why do you even have menus in German?”

“Because unlike you, I am adventurous and like to try new things.” Magnus grabs the menu from Alec’s hand, reading it over. “Oh,” Magnus smiles, “First of all, this is Dutch, not German. Second, this is from a little place in Amsterdam, we went there on one of our...fifth date, I think? I can’t remember exactly. It’s a tourist trap, but you really liked the Poffertjes they sold. Which honestly, I shouldn’t be surprised by.” 

“Do we always go to different countries on our dates?” The words still feel foreign on his tongue, dating magnus, traveling, being _married_ to him. It all just seems like such a pipe dream. 

“No.” Magnus glances at him and there’s something heavy and warm in his gaze as he reaches out and runs his thumb over the curve of Alec’s jaw. “You’re always telling me we should just do simple things, go for a walk in the park, eat at Taki’s, but I love to spoil you too much.” 

He doesn’t want Magnus to stop touching him, but the moment dissolves, and the other man grabs the menus from Alec’s hands. “How do you feel about burgers?”

“Yes,” Alec can feel his stomach twist in hunger, “that sounds so good.”

“Great, I'll put an order in.” Magnus hops down off of the counter and pulls his phone out.

“Wait, do you have a menu?” 

“Don’t worry, I know what you like, sweetheart.” Magnus runs his hand along Alec’s back as he passes by. “I’m going to change, I’ll be back.”

Alec makes his way back out to the living room. Magnus’ bay windows open up to a beautiful view of the night sky and he finds himself in front of them, hands resting comfortably behind his back, letting the moonlight flood in. It feels odd to be in Magnus’ apartment. He’s supposed to live here but he doesn’t know if he should take his shoes off, or if he can really touch or explore anything. 

“...have to do some research, Ragnor had some notes on the subject I’ll have to portal over to London to grab.” Magnus’ voice carries into the living room from wherever he is, “Okay, yes, well I have to bring him that’s the entire reason we’re meeting.” 

Magnus comes into the room a few minutes later, dressed down into a tight red shirt and sweatpants. He’s got the smaller cat cradled in his arms and his cell phone pressed between his shoulder and ear. “Yes. Yes, fine. We’ll be there.” 

Magnus takes a look at Alec and an expression crosses his face that Alec can’t quite place. There’s something fond there, like the way Izzy looks at Max sometimes, but sad as well. 

“At ease, soldier.” Magnus says, collapsing down onto the couch and tossing the phone aside.

“Oh,” Alec releases his stance self-consciously. “Sorry.”

Magnus waves him off.

“Anyway, my working theory is that these things have a way of fixing themselves. For instance, if a portal isn’t done properly, you’ll be spit back out to your original location. Painfully. Very unpleasant. So I’m hoping by morning you’ll just...slip back into place. But if not, then I have some texts I’ll need to research.”

“Snap back?”

“Yes. Think of it like your bow and arrow. You can draw the string back, but eventually you release the tension, fire the arrow and then the string goes back into its original position. You may have slipped out of your time, but the universe knows that and it’ll do what it can to put you right in the back time and place. Similar to a portal, although even I’ve only really mastered travel within space, time is an entirely different genre.” 

“What happens to the arrow in this metaphor?” Alec takes a step closer into the living area.

“...I’m still working on that.”

Alec and Magnus both chuckle.

“Honey, you’re stressing me out, please sit down.” Magnus says through a pained smile.

“Oh, sorry.” Alec sits down on the couch next to Church, who is sprawled out on his side, breathing deeply. 

Magnus sighs and gets up from his chair. He deposits the smaller cat into Alec’s arms before kneeling down in front of him. 

“What are you doing?” Alec asks, scooting as far back on the couch as he can. He can feel his cheeks heat even more when Magnus lays a hand on Alec’s knee. 

“Just relax.” Magnus says, rubbing a circle on the inside of Alec’s kneecap, “It’s just you and me, there’s no wrong moves here, alright?” 

Oh. Alec doesn’t know how to respond to that. Magnus just smiles though, and reaches down to unlace Alec’s boots. He doesn’t--it’s weird. It’s weird for Magnus to be doing this. The High Warlock of Brooklyn, one of the most powerful warlock’s the clave is even aware of, is untying Alec’s shoes for him like he’s a child.

“I can do that.” Alec leans forward to reach for his own shoes, causing Chair to slither out from his lap. 

“I know you can.” Magnus stops him, “But I want to do this, alright?” Alec can only stare at the man, at the open...care in his eyes and _how the fuck does he respond to that?_ “Alright?” Magnus prompts again. 

Alec nods dumbly, letting Magnus push against his chest to make him lean back on the couch. 

“Why are you being so nice to me?” He asks Magnus, once the other man has successfully pulled both of his boots off and snapped them away. Magnus rests both hands on Alec’s knees, just looking up at him. He’s so beautiful it genuinely takes Alec’s breath away. And all of this, helping him today, being _kind_ and...It’s just another layer of that indescribable feeling he gets around Magnus. The one that makes his chest feel simultaneously too tight to breathe and so full his heart will burst.

“Because I love you.” Magnus says, no hesitation in his voice, no waver in his expression. Alec’s heart stutters to a pause and his breath catches in his throat. “I love _you_ . Whether that’s my husband, that I wake up with every morning, that walked down the aisle with me, or this version of you, that doesn’t quite remember that he loves me too. You’re still _you_. I know you are. And nothing you do could ever make me love you any less.”

He’s dreamed of this for longer than he cares to admit. Maybe it wasn’t always Magnus, maybe at one point it was a dumb fantasy of Jace or some unnamed Shadowhunter, but...it’s always just been this. Someone to look at him. To see him. He doesn’t quite believe this.

“ _Fuck_ , Magnus.” Alec tries to rub the heel of his palm into his eyes, but Magnus grabs his hands first. Magnus’s thumbs are soft over Alec’s rough skin as he rubs calming circles into the center of his palms, cradling his fingers. 

Magnus leans forward to press a kiss to his knuckles and he jolts at the feeling of magic on his skin, at that familiar livewire of electricity. The magic settles over his skin, seeping into Alec’s hands, a cool burn around his fingernails. Magnus brushes over Alec’s fingertips, and between one swipe and the next the frayed red-rimmed skin of his cuticles soothes into unblemished skin. 

And it’s this. After everything today, after having his entire world turned upside down, this is what makes him cry. 

“Okay?” Magnus asks, now cradling Alec’s head in his hands, cupping his jaw. 

Alec nods mutely.

A thumb brushes under his eye, and Magnus has leaned up into Alec’s space drawing him into a hug. He hesitates, unsure what to do with his hands, before giving in and clenching the back of Magnus’s shirt in his fingers. A hand on the back of his head, fingers in his hair, and his face pressed down into Magnus’s shoulder. It’s different than a hug from his sister, from his mother or Jace. 

This apartment feels warm, there’s a space carved out in the corner of the world here distinctly shaped for him, and he may not have earned it but Alec craves it. He wants this little sanctuary with kisses pressed to his knuckles and warm sandalwood invading his every sense. He wants cat hair on his clothes, the smell of magic in the air and soft skin over calluses. He wants the career, the family, the love. He just _wants._

* * *

Magnus conjures a television out of nowhere and they sit down to eat their food with some old show playing in the background. Alec’s not well versed on mundane culture, but if Magnus is playing it then he assumes it’s something they’ve watched together before. 

“I just feel like they could easily get off the island if Gilligan didn’t mess up all of their plans.” Alec shrugs, eating another fry. 

“It’s a comedy, Alec. Don’t think so hard.” Magnus waves him off, cuddling Chair closer to him. 

“But isn’t the point to get _off_ the island?” 

“The point is to laugh and have fun,” Magnus reaches out to kick at Alec’s foot, “you’re ruining it.”

“Sorry.” Alec says, shrugging. When Magnus doesn’t respond, he looks over to see the other man smirking into Chair’s fur. “I don’t even like this show, do I?”

Magnus laughs, “No! You do I promise.”

“Liar.”

“Fine,” Magnus rolls his eyes, “You’re right, you’re like this every time we watch it, you grouch.” 

“Ass.” Alec tosses one of his last fries at Magnus, who catches it easily and eats it himself. Magnus fucking winks at Alec, a laugh pulling at the corners of his mouth and Alec really wants to kiss him. 

Magnus is his husband, well not _his_ husband. But Magnus is here and _loves him_ and wants to be with him and--

Alec pushes himself off the ground, leaning across the space between them to press his mouth against Magnus’s. There’s a moment of suspension, a precipice where he wonders if he read this wrong, if Magnus doesn’t want this. But then he responds, bringing a hand up to hold Alec’s face. His hand clenches on the shoulder of Magus’s top, relishing in finally knowing the taste of Magnus’s mouth after all these weeks. When he pulls back, it’s to see Magnus’s eyes half lidded and staring into his own. 

“Alec,” Magnus says, and Alec can feel the word on his mouth, the brush of Magnus’ lips against his own, the other man’s breath. He’s unsure, wondering if Magnus really wants this, then the other man looks at Alec’s lips and the decision is made for him. 

He surges forward, grabbing both sides of Magnus’ neck, leaning his weight into him to push him back against the armchair he had been resting against. Magnus makes a low-noise in Alec’s mouth and he wants to _devour_ this man. He fists Alec’s shirt in his hands, tugging him closer, sweeping his tongue into Alec’s mouth and--

They jump back from one another when Chair gives a sharp yowl.

“Oh I’m sorry, baby!” Magnus reaches out for the cat but he’s already sauntering away from them and into the bedroom. “Eh, I’m sure he’s fine.”

Alec should probably feel bad about the cat, but he can’t help the stupid smile on his face. Magnus sits up, licking his lips and smiling at Alec. 

“Somehow after all this time you still surprise me, Alec.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Nothing it’s just…” Magnus looks away for a moment as his smile widens out into a grin. He leans forward and presses a chaste kiss to Alec’s mouth before standing up. “We should go to bed. It’s late.” 

Alec picks up their food while Magnus snaps the TV off into some foreign corner of the apartment. He pauses in the doorway between the livingroom and the bedroom, turning to Alec. 

“Alec, where do you want to sleep?” He asks, lifting his chin up, “You’re obviously welcome to sleep in here with me, or there’s the couch or the guest room upstairs. Whatever you’re most comfortable with.”

Oh. Right. Shit. The right choice would probably be to sleep upstairs in the guest room, or just take the couch but…

“I could always portal you back to the Institute, you still have a room there for when--”

“No.” Alec walks towards Magnus, “No I want to...I want this.” 

Magnus smiles, and it’s that one that’s small and private that makes Alec _yearn_ for the life he’s supposed to have lived with this man. Magnus holds his hand out, and it’s no chore to slide his fingers into Magnus’s palm.

He brushes his teeth, leaning in the doorway to their bedroom as Magnus searches through the drawers for him. He’s handed a pair loose sleep pants and can’t help but snort at the cartoon dinosaurs printed on the fabric. 

“I assume these are your doing?” Alec asks, gesturing to the pants once he comes out of the bathroom. Magnus is sat at his vanity, rubbing a wipe over his face. Looking at Alec through the mirror, he laughs. 

“I resent that. Madzie got those for you for your birthday.” 

“Madzie?” Alec rolls the name around his mouth for a moment, “Catarina’s daughter?”

“That’s her.” Magnus nods, standing up from the vanity, “I’m going to take a quick shower, you can lay down, I’ll be quiet when I come back in, okay?”

“Sure.” Alec nods at Magnus, getting a pat on the shoulder as the other man passes him. He looks back to the bed, walking over to the side of the bed where he found his stuff this morning as the shower turns on behind him. He finds his phone in the living room and plugs that into the charger and unclasps his watch to lay it neatly in line with the phone. 

This time he pays more attention to the bracelet and ring. It’s an elastic band with brown wooden beads and beads made of different colored crystal. He can feel the low humm of magic in the bracelet, the subtle vibration through the crystals and beads. He’ll have to ask Magnus about it later.

Then he grabs the ring. 

_His ring._

It’s a thick gold band and the metal is cold in his palm. On the inside of the ring there’s an inscription that he has to squint to read, and even then he’s not sure what the words mean. Checking that the shower is still running, Alec lets himself slide the band on his left hand. It fits him perfectly, snug but not tight. It covers that band of pale flesh that he’s been staring at all day. 

Maybe this is a step too far. He didn’t marry Magnus, he hasn’t slept in this bed, he didn’t walk down the aisle with that man. This feels like something he hasn’t quite earned. It feels like when he was a child, sitting behind his father’s desk and scribbling out what he thought were important documents in crayon. Like pretend. 

That ring isn’t his. 

Alec puts the ring back down and slides into bed, flipping off the light on his bedside table as he does so. He lays there, worrying about how he should act or behave once Magnus comes to bed, if maybe he’s chosen the wrong side of the bed or Magnus sleeps a particular way, but after the day he’s had, sleep claims him fast and he’s out before Magnus even finishes his shower. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: There is a subplot in this fic that involves Alec investigating hate crimes. It is not overt, and not the focus.
> 
> Comment or you can reach me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Koryandr_) or [Tumblr](https://koryandr.tumblr.com/) Feel free to @ me, I'd love to hear from you. :) Also, feel free to each out if you have any questions/concerns.


	2. Day Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some text message formatting in this chapter. If you turn Creator's Style off, it will just be the text without the formatting so any text-to-voice should still work. 
> 
> No additional Trigger Warnings apply. I hope you guys are enjoying this!

* * *

**i**

* * *

It’s warm. As his consciousness slips back into place, Alec’s just aware of the warmth. His eyes are heavy and his body boneless in bed, but eventually he opens his eyes. 

Ah. Right. 

Unfortunately, he feels just as disoriented as he had felt the previous morning. He’s not sure if the weight in his stomach is dread or just the crushing realization that yesterday actually happened. Something shifts in bed with him and Alec becomes all that more aware of the world around him. 

He’s on his stomach, arms folded under the pillow and facing the window in Magnus’ bedroom. He blinks the sunlight away a few times, clearing the sleep from his lashes before turning and--

He’s breathtaking.

Magnus’ lashes are dark against the curve of his cheek, and stand out even more prominently without the smear of pigment around his eyes. His face is lax with sleep and pressed against the fleshy side of Alec’s arm, mouth parted slightly breathing warm against his skin. Without the product, his hair falls across his forehead, and splays across the pillow. Amber skin glows like polished gold next to the yellow sheets under the morning sun. 

He holds his breath, not wanting to disturb the image before him. He tries to commit it to memory: every inch where their skin meets, Magnus’ hand curled loosely around his forearm, the pleasant tickle of his facial hair, the texture of his lips against Alec’s skin.

On second thought, maybe this is a dream. 

Magnus’ breath hitches slightly, and then his lashes flutter before opening. Instead of the dark brown of the eyes Alec is used to, his eyes open to reveal large, burning gold irises, with thin black slit pupils. Magnus’s mouth pulls up into a lazy smile, cheek pressing warm to Alec’s skin. He tightens his hold on Alec’s arm, pressing a feather-light kiss to the skin there, blinking slowly.

Why is he the most beautiful thing Alec has ever seen in his life? 

His _eyes_ though.

Alec blinks, as if to clear a discrepancy from his vision, but those irises are still molten gold with brass flakes. Maybe Alec’s breath catches, maybe he starts breathing again, he’s not sure what’s on his face but between one blink in and the next, gold is replaced by dark brown and Magnus’s smile runs cold. He starts to pull away, but Alec pulls his hand from under the pillow, reaching out with heavy limbs to press his fingers to the curve of Magnus’ cheek. It’s easy to cup the other man’s face, to run his thumb along the soft flesh beneath his eyes, as if willing the gold to come back. 

Magnus’ face shifts, and after grabbing Alec’s wrist, he stares Alec dead in the eye and dissolves the glamour again. He does breathe out now, unable to look away from this man. 

“You’re so beautiful.” he breathes out before his sleep-addled brain can think better.

Magnus smiles at him and it’s more brilliant than the morning sun spilling in through their curtains. Magnus takes Alec’s hand, and presses a kiss to his palm. 

“I take it we’re still playing 50 First Dates.” Magnus mutters, blinking sleep from his eyes still. 

“What?”

“You wouldn’t have gotten that reference anyway, don’t worry.” Magnus pats him on the cheek before waving him off. He rolls over onto his back, stretching out on the bed in a display that has Alec averting his eyes, ignoring his soft groaning. 

“It’s so early.” Alec mutters, rolling over and throwing his arm over his eyes. “Can’t we go back to sleep?”

“Oh, so you’ve always been this whiney in the mornings?” Magnus laughs, standing up from the bed, Alec’s thankful to see _tight_ briefs covering the skin of his ass. Then again, they don’t leave much to the imagination. Magnus catches him looking, and grins as Alec’s face flushes again. “C’mon, If I get pancakes again, will you actually eat them?”

“In my defense, I could have died.”

“Well I promise not to poison you, sweetheart.” Magnus bends down, one knee on the bed next to Alec’s hip, and his hand pressed broad and warm over his heart. Alec moves his arm, hand prone next to his head, unsure where to put it or even where to look when Magnus is bending over him, breathing hot against his face. 

Magnus’ lips brush soft against his once and as he pulls away Alec tries to chase his mouth, lifting off the bed as much as he can with Magnus weighing him down. 

“You go shower and I’ll order food, okay?” Magnus’ voice is heavy, his words a brand on Alec’s skin and he’s helpless to do anything other than nod dumbly and reply “Okay.” 

Alec finds himself in Magnus’ shower once again, but this time without the panic bubbling beneath his skin. Yesterday he had just stayed in the shower long enough for Magnus to leave the apartment, only wetting down his hair. But now it’s greasy and he’s faced with the dilemma of choosing one of the dozens of jars or pots on the off chance that it’s shampoo.

He could ask but...no. It’s fine, it’s just a shower, he can figure it out. Alec examines the bottles and picks the one that looks like it’s been used the most. 

After his shower, he finds some clothes laid out for him on the bed and gets dressed. He should probably be offended or something, he’s not a child, but if Magnus laying clothes out for him means he doesn’t have to try to understand where all of his stuff is kept, then he’s alright with that. 

There’s no sign of Magnus, but there is a text notification on his cell phone. 

**[08:12 Magnus Bane]** Upstairs

Alec squints at his phone. He makes his way up the spiral staircase, bypassing a couple of rooms before finding the door out to the terrace. It’s wide open up here, more open than the balcony downstairs. Magnus is curled up in the corner on an upholstered bench, plates set out before him on the table. 

“Hello, there.” Magnus smiles, looking up from the soft gold tabby on his lap, “I got you pancakes again, don’t waste them this time.”

“Oh because I’m sure you worked very hard stealing this food from some poor restaurant.” Alec sits down in the armchair, “Do you have _more_ cats?”

“Oh no this is Oscar, he’s a stray.” Magnus sets the cat down on the bench next to him, but it gets up and saunters off across the roof. There are a few cats in the corner next to food bowls. 

“How in the hell did they get up here?”

“I keep a little kitty door down in the alley.” Magnus says dismissively.

“A ‘ _kitty_ door’?” 

“Yes. A door for cats. Just big enough for them, only cats can pass through, and it’s heavily warded and glamoured, don’t worry.” 

“Something bad is going to sneak in through that one of these days.” Alec leans forward to start eating his food. 

“I’ve had that there for years and that has only happened once.” Magnus rolls his eyes. 

“It’s already happened and you still keep it there?” 

“Well someone has to take care of them.”

He definitely wouldn’t have pegged Magnus as the type to take in strays beforehand. But this is also the man that has helped him unconditionally every time he’s asked. He shouldn’t be surprised, he’s experienced Magnus’ kindness first hand. 

"Hey, do you know what the password for my phone is?" Alec grabs the phone from his back pocket. "I...well he must have changed the password recently." 

Magnus leans over and inputs a code into the keypad, opening it up for him. 

"Wait, what’s that password?" Alec takes it back, opening up the call log to clear his notifications from yesterday. “I haven’t changed my password in years.”

"Don’t worry about it. We’ve got to leave a little of your future to the imagination." Magnus smiles. 

He goes to clear his text notifications and in doing so, pulls up the text log between him and Magnus. He can't help but scroll back a bit to see...see if he can make some semblance of this relationship he's supposed to be in. It's all so...casual.

Magnus Bane  
  
**Magnus:** Cat says we're having sushi for dinner because Madzie is obsessed with it  
  
**Alexander:** Well I guess if Madzie wants it I can't complain.  
  
**Magnus:** You always complain when I want sushi :(  
  
**Alexander:** Because you would have sushi every day if you could.  
  
**Magnus:** It's good though! Why should I be punished because you're uncultured??  
  
**Wednesday** 8:43 PM  
**Alexander:** I told you not to wear that outfit.  
  
**Magnus:** Why Mr. Lightwood, how naughty of you to text during our meeting  
  
**Alexander:** I don't think I'm the one that's been naughty here, Mr. Bane.  
  
**Magnus:** Are you going to punish me?  
  


And on that note, Alec sets the phone down face-first on the table, pretending like he didn't just fucking read that. He can’t even picture himself saying those words to someone with a straight face and without blushing. It...It feels intrusive, like he's peeking in on an intimate conversation between two other people. This is supposed to be him, this is his phone, his...husband. And yet it's not. 

“So I have to run some errands today, I have a couple of appointments and then I’ll be over in London doing some research. Will you be alright by yourself for the day?”

"Oh, um. Yea, that's fine." 

“When I get back we can go get dinner, okay?” Magnus’s smile is sweet.

“Sure.” 

Magnus smiles at him widely, popping a piece of food in his mouth. Alec is distracted watching Magnus’s parted lips and the moisture left behind from the food when he suddenly starts talking.

“Alec, what did you put in your hair?” 

“What?” 

Magnus stands up from the bench to come stand next to Alec, putting a hand in his hair which is stiff and tangles around his fingers. “What did you use?” 

“Um...shampoo...I think?” Alec leans his head back so he can look at Magnus. Magnus seems equal parts endeared and confused.

“Oh honey, I think you used shaving lotion.” Magnus bends over and presses his nose into Alec’s hair before laughing. “Yea that’s definitely it.”

“Well…” Alec purses his lips, trying not to feel embarrassed, “There were so many bottles and none of them were labeled. I had to guess.”

“You could have asked?”

Alec looks away. Magnus just laughs.

“You’re ridiculous and I love you.” Magnus tilts Alec’s chin back so he can kiss him chastely. He feels the spark of electricity on his skin and then Magnus is running his fingers back through Alec’s hair, now soft and yielding, carrying that faint scent of warm sandalwood. 

* * *

**ii**

* * *

They're barely downstairs for ten minutes after breakfast when there's a pounding on the door. Magnus waves him off, so Alec pads across the apartment, Chair walking alongside him to greet their guest. Instead of properly greeting Alec, however, his sister immediately crouches down to scratch Chair behind the ears. 

"Who's the prettiest little kitty?" Isabelle coos at him. Chair doesn't seem to mind the attention if his purrs are any indication. 

"Nice to see you too, Isabelle." Alec says. "And my concussion is much better, thank you for asking."

Izzy scoops Chair up and walks into the apartment, the carpet softening the normal click of her heels. 

"Oh don't be so dramatic, big brother." she says, and he can hear the roll of her eyes as he shuts the door. "Besides, I'm here to rescue you."

"Rescue me from what?" Alec folds his arms across his chest, following her into the living room. Izzy plops down on the couch like she's the one that lives here, kicking her feet up on the coffee table and making kissy faces at the cat in her arms. 

"Obscurity. Boredom. Take your pick." she shrugs. "Go. Change into your blacks, we've got a murderer to track down." 

Alec turns, and Magnus is standing in the middle of the doorway to the only room Alec hasn't explored, phone pressed to his ear. The moment Alec looks at him, Magnus turns away and retreats back into that room. Yes. Magnus definitely texted his sister. 

He should protest the fact that he’s an adult and does not need a babysitter, but working a case sounds far more interesting than sitting around Magnus’ apartment and playing with the cats all day. Alec rolls his eyes at his sister, but heads back into the bedroom to change. 

He rummages around in his corner of the closet, looking for what he would normally wear on patrol. The clothes are decidedly different, but he manages black jeans, a shirt, and a jacket that feels like there’s magic woven into the threads. 

He finds the rest of his things in the hall next to the front door. His bow and quiver suspended from a rack, his thigh holster looped over the bars and a few pairs of black boots set out neatly below it. 

Izzy drags him out of the door as soon as his boots are laced up. 

There was another attack overnight. 

“Hello, Nephilim disasters.” He’s greeted when he walks into the dark warehouse behind Izzy. He knows this feeding den, he’s been here a few times himself, but he doesn’t recognize any of the vampires here. Well, he does recognize one. Simon is sitting off to the side, biting his thumbnail nervously. The moment the woman speaks, Simon is on his feet and across the room to stand by Izzy. 

Alec is still confused on when _that_ happened. 

“Hello, Lily.” Izzy greets after hugging Simon. 

“Isabelle.” The female vampire steps forward. She’s taller than Izzy in heels, inky black hair and Asian features set in a pale face. Lily walks up to Izzy, and reaches forward to press a kiss to her cheek. It’s...barely her cheek, more like the corner of Izzy’s mouth, but both women pull away smiling. Alec’s glad Simon’s looking between them oddly too, because Alec doesn’t know what the fuck that was but Lily’s looking at his sister like she wants to eat her. She probably does.

“Where are the bodies?” he asks, stepping a bit closer to his sister. Lily looks at Alec only to roll her eyes at him. 

“Right this way,” She says in that mocking way Alec is used to hearing from his younger siblings. He follows her back through a curtained off area and into the back of the den. There’s one body laid out on the floor of the back room, and next to it a pile of clothes. 

Alec kneels down next to the body on the floor. There are obvious bite marks along the boy’s neck, several deep puncture wounds, but it’s the black runes crawling up his neck that startle Alec. 

Just like the couple yesterday. 

He’s so young, this kid. There’s still baby fat clinging to his cheeks. Alec doesn’t recognize him. 

“Oh Patrick.” Izzy kneels down next to him. She closes his eyelids over green, vacant eyes, and begins to whisper their prayer over his body. 

Alec reaches across the body and picks up the wallet sat on top of the clothing pile. Henri Boucher. 

“Where did this happen?” Alec asks, standing up and turning to Lily. 

“Out in the alley, late last night.” 

“Why didn’t you alert us sooner?” he asks.

“Well pardon me for making sure none of my vampires burnt to death in the morning sun when the bodies were discovered. I had to call the Daylighter to bring them in.” 

“And let me guess, there are no witnesses and no video footage.” Alec pinches the bridge of his nose, letting out a heavy sigh. 

“You’re grumpier than usual, did our esteemed High Warlock not put out last night or something?” 

“Lily!” Izzy hisses. 

Alec tries with everything he has to repress the blood rushing to his cheeks. He shouldn’t be embarrassed, he’s supposedly married but...but the idea of everyone _knowing_ still makes his hands shake. 

“There were similar murders last night in wolf territory.” Alec says, looking down at the floor, “Similar circumstances, a Nephilim and a Downworlder. Both...the same sex.” 

“Oh great, so it’s a homophobic _and_ bigoted serial killer.” Lily laughs, “Do you guys have any leads?” 

“Let us talk to any of the staff that was working last night.”

* * *

“Did you honestly drag us all the way down here just so we could get food?” Alec asks, incredulously. Isabelle flips her ponytail over her shoulder in Alec’s direction with a smirk.

“Alec, we had to go somewhere where Simon can eat too, Maia always has the blood he likes on tap.” Izzy opens the front door to the diner and ushers Simon and Alec inside of Taki’s. 

“Oh, hey guys!” The young Seelie girl Alec saw here yesterday greets them, walking towards them with menus in hand. “Just you three?”

“Yes, thanks Luca.” Simon steps forward, smiling at the girl. The Seelie preens under his gaze, twirling one end of a braid and batting her eyelashes. She leads them to a booth in the back, setting menus out for them. Alec slides into one side of the booth, scooting towards the far wall for Izzy, but when he looks up, Izzy and Simon are pressed up on the other side of the booth. 

Alec always gets the wall seat, sometimes it’s Jace or Izzy with him, but he never gets half the booth to himself. Izzy must catch on to his look, and she kicks his shin under the table. 

“Ow.”

“You’re fine. Don’t think about things too hard, you’ll get permanent frown lines on your face.”

“Oh, really?” Alec leans forward, forearms on the table. “Why don’t you try time traveling next so I can tell you to calm down.”

“Things can’t be _that_ different.” 

“Simon is a _vampire_ that can go out in the _sun_. That’s weird enough on its own.”

“Well I’m just impressed you remember my name.” Simon says with that stupid grin on his face. Even Izzy’s mocking scowl softens out when she sees it. She grabs the vampire’s hand.

“Why would I not know your name?”

“Well, I didn’t think you knew it for like, the first few months I knew you.” Simon shrugs.

“Don’t misinterpret my brother’s carefully constructed asshole routine, he’s always been a big softie under that grumpy face.” Izzy curls into Simon’s side as she smirks at Alec. 

“You’re insufferable.” Alec rolls his eyes, taking a look at the menu before him. There’s...wow, so much. Some he can’t really read, other items he wishes he could _unread_. An oddly large selection of raw meat dishes, fresh fish, Seelie fruit and of course, in the beverage section is their selection of blood types on tap for vampires. 

Their waitress, Luca, comes back to take their order and she looks to Alec first with a coy smile. “What can I get for you, Alec?” 

“Oh um…” Alec looks at the menu with a pinched expression. He genuinely doesn’t know where to even start with this. 

“How about the usual for all of us?” Izzy interrupts, smiling up at the girl. Luca seems a bit disappointed, but scribbles on her paper pad and takes their menus. She turns dramatically, whipping her long braided blonde hair over her shoulder and sauntering off. 

“She’s pleasant.” Alec remarks, sitting back on his side of the booth that feels a little too big without one of his siblings elbowing him in the stomach. 

“She’s just sad you didn’t smile at her.” Izzy teases, resting her chin on clasped fingers. 

“What are you talking about?”

Simon and Izzy glance behind them, verifying Luca’s position through the kitchen window. 

“Well she’s had a crush on you for as long as I’ve known her.” Simon grins, “It’s kind of cute.”

“Isn’t she like...fifteen? At best?” 

“I think she’s sixteen?” Izzy looks to Simon and the two of them nod at each other, seemingly in agreement on the girl’s age. 

It’s really weird seeing them like this. Well, he frankly doesn’t know Simon that well to begin with, but to see _Izzy_ like this? It’s jarring to say the least. 

He’s seen Izzy flirt, he’s unfortunately seen her kiss people at parties and stumble back to the Institute in the morning with bruises on her neck. He’s held her when she cried over heartbreak and let her crawl into his bed when she was lonely. 

He’s never seen her...content like this. There’s an easy comradery between her and Simon, something genuinely nice. The way they lean into each other’s space, hushed words, silent conversations. It’s just...nice. It’s really nice to see her happy. 

“Anyway, she gives us free drinks if you’re nice to her, so smile. I want Iced Coffee.”

“Isabelle.”

After they eat, Simon heads in the back to talk to Maia, leaving Alec and Izzy alone at the table. She holds her hands out across the table, wiggling her fingers until Alec sets his palms in hers. 

“How are you doing, manito?” 

“How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?” Alec rolls his eyes.

“Just wanted to check it was still you in there.” She says cheekily, “Honestly though, what happened last night?”

“Well,” Alec pauses, unsure what exactly to tell her. “Magnus took me to Cat’s, she said there’s nothing wrong with my brain. Magnus thought it might just fix itself, but that’s not the case so I think he said he was going to be researching today.”

“Does he have any leads?”

“Um...he said that sometimes people just slip out of time, and it’s not uncommon. So that’s his working theory right now.” Alec shrugs, “I’m not sure we didn’t talk about it much.”

“What _did_ you talk about?” Izzy releases his hands to lean forward across the table.

“Just...he explained stuff to me. Y’know, that apparently I’m married to a man and live with a warlock and we have cats together.” Alec folds his arms across his chest, leaning back. “As if that’s something that happens all the time.”

“Alec.”

“You know, I...I never…” Alec sighs, “It’s the polar opposite of where I thought my life was heading.”

Izzy seems concerned. She’s always been able to really see Alec, to look behind the glamor. Izzy might not understand the bits of Alec that are different, but she’s always been able to see it. 

“Alec, I can promise you, I’ve never seen you happier than you are when you’re with Magnus. You _really_ love him. And he loves you.” Izzy’s tone is heavy, her gaze piercing. “You, _this_ you, is happy.”

“I know.” Alec nods, examining his cuticles. “Magnus is great. He’s...I just don’t know if I believe it.”

“What?”

“It just seems too good to be true. All of this.” Alec shrugs, “I...where I’m from... _when_ I’m from. I was ready to marry a woman yesterday and now I wake up here in this future and I’m married to a man? A Downworlder.”

“Alec.” Izzy sighs.

“I’ve never even been able to say it out loud, that I like…” Alec glances around, “that I like _men_ . But everyone here _knows_. And it doesn’t seem like anyone cares. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“If it makes you feel better, trust me it’s dropped.” Izzy smiles, “But you worked past that because you’re my big brother, and you’re the strongest, most amazing person I know. And nothing anyone ever says could possibly change that.” 

Alec breathes a laugh.

“What?”

“Magnus said something like that last night too.”

“Not the brother part, I hope. Unless you guys are into that? In which case I really don’t want to know. We’ve had enough sibling drama in this family to last a lifetime.”

Alec doesn’t fully get the reference, but laughs at her joke anyway.

Simon has something to do, so after a truly nauseating five minutes of ‘saying goodbye’ Izzy and Alec head back to the Institute. They take the subway back and since it’s crowded, Alec stands in the middle, grabbing one of the overhead handles. Izzy doesn’t like to admit she’s a little too short for them so Alec keeps a hand on her back to steady her as the train takes off.

Back at the Institute, they’re walking back to Alec’s office when he sees a shock of red hair in the training room and the low-level tug of his parabatai bond. Alec pauses to peek in the training room. Jace and Clary spin in a flurry of hair around one another, Jace with a bow staff and Clary swinging escrima sticks. 

Clary has decidedly improved, she’s faster and plays her height to her advantage, fighting in sneakers. 

“See, Iz.” Alec gestures, “Clary doesn’t fight in heels.”

“What can I say, _hermano_ , it’s a talent few have.” 

Izzy comes back to his side in the doorway, leaning against him as they watch Jace and Clary spar. Clary makes a right jab, leaving herself open for Jace to grab her hand and wrench it up behind her back. Dropping his staff, he grabs her free hand, pulling her back to his chest and pressing the escrima stick to the underside of her jaw. 

Alec may even go so far as to say he’s impressed with how Clary was fighting, and he’s about to make a comment about how Jace leaves that same opening frequently, when Jace leans down and kisses Clary. They’re panting and sweaty, and he must release her back hand because her hand winds up into Jace’s hair. 

At first, he feels a swell of irrational jealousy watching her kiss Jace. And then he remembers the last conversation he had with Jace in his time, at his _bachelor party_. 

“What the hell are you doing?!” Alec shouts, walking towards them. Jace and Clary jump apart from one another, startled. Clary wipes at her mouth and averts her gaze, but Jace just glares at Alec. 

“Alec, what is your problem?” 

Alec glances between his brother and Clary, both seeming contrite but confused. “You...I know you guys had a _thing_ but...you’re related. You can’t…”

“What?” Clary says at the same time that Jace and Izzy groan. 

“You told me yourself, like, two days ago we were just--”

“We’re _not_.” Jace sighs, “It was a trick. We’re not.” 

“Yea, Jonathan’s my brother...right?” Clary looks to Jace for reassurance. 

“Yes.” Jace says at the same time that Alec says “Jace _is_ Jonathan.”

“Alec, just stop.” Izzy comes up next to him. “Valentine lied, Jace isn’t a Morgenstern, he’s a Herondale.” 

“Herondale? As in Inquisitor Herondale?” 

Jace groans and runs a hand back through his hair. “Yes. Imogen was my grandmother.”

“Then who is Jonathan?” 

Izzy grabs his arm, “Honestly, Alec. Don’t worry about it. It’s a very long story.” She turns towards Jace, “We’re meeting in an hour to discuss the murder cases, meet us in Alec’s office. I’ll get the big guy out of your hair.”

Jace mouths a ‘thank you’ and Alec protests but allows Izzy to lead him from the room. He tries to ask some followup questions, to get more answers out of her, but she tells him to drop it and promptly ignores any other questions he asks on the topic in favor of writing her report. Alec tries to go through some of the reports in his inbox, signing off on simple patrol reports, and responding to general emails, but there are several reports that leave him confused. There’s an email chain regarding ‘Downworld Council Meetings” that he really needs to ask someone about. 

Eventually, Underhill and Jace make their way into the office. Underhill brings a file folder with him, and he and Jace lay out crime scene photos on his coffee table.

“I just don’t understand these killings.” Izzy falls back into the couch. They’ve been discussing the case for a while at this point, and the frustration is showing. 

“None of these guys run in the same social circles.” Jace says, sitting forward. He points to a photo of Ola, “Maia said she was new to the area, and Kairi was in one of the younger training classes here. Patrick just turned of age a few months ago and has just started doing patrols. Lily and Simon say Henri was really quiet and they’re surprised he was even at the feeding den.”

“I’m surprised Patrick was there.” Underhill says, sitting forward. “He’s been a little insubordinate but that’s mostly Terrance’s fault. He’s the troublemaker, Patrick’s just gullible. He's a good kid.”

“Where was Terrance last night?” Alec asks, “Have we talked to him?”

“Yes,” Underhill nods, “I spoke with him and he seems pretty torn up about it, they were close. He reports business as usual on patrol last night. I checked with his patrol partner Sarah as well, and she verified his story. Besides, those two were set to patrol the Bronx and this den is down in Greenwich. Their check-ins were all on time and the GPS tagged them up in the Bronx. It’d be damn near impossible to get down to Greenwich, commit two murders, and then be back in place for the hourly check in.”

“And there’s nothing that’s been going on recently that would explain any of this?” Alec asks, “no similar attacks or threats?”

“None,” Izzy shakes her head, “Things have actually been relatively quiet in the Downworld lately. Even the Seelies have been laying low.” 

“Could it be the Circle?” Alec asks, at that mention all of their heads pop up. 

“Alec, the Circle--”

“No.” Jace cuts her off. “Valentine and the circle are no longer an issue.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just don’t worry about it.” Jace shakes his head. 

“These aren’t just Nephilim murders,” Izzy says, “They’re being staged to look like the victims did it to one-another. They’re trying to make it look like the Downworlders attacked them.”

“What if they did?” Alec asks. He gets dubious looks for that as well, “It _is_ a possibility that it was the Downworlders.”

“Alec,” Izzy starts, but Alec shakes his head to stop her.

“I know it’s not..I’m not saying it is. I’m just saying we can’t eliminate the idea.”

“Fine.” Izzy says, looking at him like he’s grown a second head, “I won’t eliminate the idea but it’s highly unlikely. It’s too coincidental. Two of these in a row?” 

Alec sighs and looks down at his feet, “The connection is that these are both relationships between Nephilim and the Downworld. But they’re also...At least we know Ola and Kairi were together. Is there anyone in particular out of our people that has a big problem with that?”

“Unfortunately that list is longer than would be helpful.” Underhill replies after a too-long moment of silence. Alec nods. He was expecting that answer. 

“Best we can do is keep an eye out. They’re attacking Downworld meeting places, let’s post teams around Downworld hotspots for tonight.

“I’ll contact Maia and Lily and let them know we’re sending teams out.” Jace says, pulling his phone from his pocket. “Alec, let Magnus know we’re sending a team to Pandemonium.”

"Did I hear my name?" Alec turns to see Magnus leaning against the door frame to his office. 

"Hey." Alec says, standing up from his perch against his desk. "No we're just--"

"There were more murders last night." Jace says, standing up from the couch. "We're posting a team a Pandemonium tonight, I'd have your staff keep an eye out for anything suspicious."

"Noted, I'll text Daliah." Magnus nodded. Magnus didn't flinch when Jace walked by him, patting his shoulder. Huh. "In the meantime, I do need to steal your distinguished Institute Head."

"You can have him." Izzy says. "He's been grumpy all day."

"I have not." Alec huffs.

"Well, then I guess you won't mind me taking him off your hands, then?" Magnus takes a step closer to Alec, curling his fingers into the crook of his elbow. 

"Not at all. I'll see you guys later." Izzy kisses Magnus on the cheek and then follows Underhill out the door. 

"I'm not grumpy." Alec says, rolling his eyes, "Izzy's just being dramatic. The vampire was rude to me."

"I'm sure she was, sweetheart." Magnus reaches up to push a stray hair back behind Alec's ear, leaning his weight into Alec’s side and smiling sweetly up at him. “Oh there’s a smile.” He brushes the backs of his fingers along Alec’s cheek and Alec falls a little more for the way his eyes shine as he smiles. 

“Shut up.” He mutters.

“C’mon handsome, we’re going to grab some dinner and then Cat and I want to take a closer look at you. We think we’ve got a few leads.” 

Alec reaches across the desk to grab his stele and phone and then follows Magnus through the portal that was spun up in his office. “Should you be able to do that in the Institute?” 

“Well, normally no. But I made the wards, they’re not going to reject my own magic.” Alec supposed that makes sense, even if Magnus clearly shouldn't have put a backdoor in the wards for himself. Magnus must sense his hesitation because he smirks at Alec.

“I won’t tell if you won’t, Alexander.” He fucking purrs and Alec’s heart stumbles as the way his name sounds on Magnus’ tongue. He looks at him, and he’s not sure if he wants to lean forward and kiss him again, or if he’s even capable of rational thought when Magnus grins like that. 

“Right.” He says dumbly, letting Magnus twine their fingers together and pull him through the portal. Instead of the loft though, they’re back in that brownstone from last night. “What are we--”

“I brought the texts here, we left everything up in Cat’s office so we’ll eat dinner with Madzie and then get to work on getting you back.” 

“What if I say something...wrong?” Alec asks, tugging Magnus back to his side when he tries to walk off. 

“You’ll be fine, Alec.” Magnus pats his hand, “Trust me, okay? You’re great with kids.” 

Alec doesn’t quite believe him but Magnus takes the grip he has on Alec’s hand and pulls them further into the home, back into that living room he had been in yesterday. This time, along with the toys, there is a little girl with dark hair pulled back in tight, intricate braids with gold cuffs clipped in.

“Sweetpea!” Magnus says in a voice Alec has only heard him use with the cats. The little girl turns and her entire face lights up into a sweet smile. 

“Magnus!” She sets down her crayons and bounces across the room towards him. Magnus sweeps her up into a hug and she giggles as he spins her around. When they stop, Magnus settles her on his hip and looks over to Alec. “Alec, this is Madzie, my little Sweetpea.”

“Hi, Madzie.” Alec pulls his hands behind his back but smiles at the girl as best he can. 

Madzie gives Magnus an odd look, “You’re right.” 

“I wasn’t lying.” Magnus says with a huff, setting the girl down. She brushes her skirt down and walks over to Alec to grab his hand. He lets her pull him over to the couch and sit him down. 

“Mama and Magnus said you were sick.”

“Just a little bit.” Alec shrugs, accepting the pet giraffe she hands him. “I can’t remember some stuff.”

“Do you remember me?” She asks plainly, tilting her head. With her neck open, Alec can see slits on either side of her neck, lines of raised flesh along the side of her neck. Her warlock mark must be the gills. 

“No, I’m sorry.” Madzie just blinks owlishly at him for a moment, and then turns to the bin of toys next to the couch.

“Here, hold Arthur.” 

“Thank you?” Alec turns the stuffed giraffe over in his hand, it’s warm with the lingering feeling of Magic. He remembers when Max was little like this, before he really understood Seraph Blades or runes, when he was just a little charming ball of energy asking Alec to read to him or hold his hand and play.

Alec is surprised when the girl crawls up on the couch and deposits herself in his lap. She doesn’t have any similar qualms though, because she grabs Alec’s hand with the giraffe in it and pulls it around to rest over her stomach. 

“You gave me Arthur to make me feel better, so he should make you feel better too.” She nods, playing with a frayed thread on the giraffe’s head. 

He looks across the couch where Magnus has sat against the far arm. The other man is smiling at Alec and Madzie with the gentlest expression on his face. Alec’s heart beats in double time and he adjusts the girl’s position in his lap into something more comfortable. 

This isn’t really something he ever thought of, raising children. Not that she’s theirs, but this image they create, Madzie sitting in his lap and Magnus looking at him like he hung the moon makes his chest constrict and burn with longing. He has a little family here. He’s got so much in this world, more than he ever would have asked for. 

It’s not fair. 

He wants it so bad. 

* * *

**iii**

* * *

Dinner is familiar in an odd way. It reminds him a lot of his own family dinners, well, their sibling dinners. When Mom and Dad would be off in Idris and it was just Jace, Izzy and him. Sometimes with Max. When none of them really knew how to cook and they’d sneak into the kitchen in the middle of the night to make boxed macaroni or grilled cheese after a long night. Izz would always burn the sandwiches or oversalt the pasta. 

Magnus and Cat have a friendly rapport, not entirely unlike him with his siblings. It’s clear they’ve known each other a long time, they bring up a variety of things that Alec’s not sure even _this_ Alec would know about. Something about Peru and Salem. 

Cat seems friendlier tonight. She also must have dropped her glamour, because when Alec came into the dining room, he almost didn’t recognize her. The blue skin and white hair freely on display gave Alec temporary pause. He wasn’t used to seeing warlocks with their marks so clearly displayed. Most of the time, like Magnus’ eyes, warlocks kept themselves glamoured with magic, and it was strong enough that you couldn’t see through it no matter how hard you looked. 

It’s amazing, just like Magnus’s eyes. He’s stuck looking at her, and the way her skin shines under the light of the kitchen and how the white box braids contrast. Alec’s a little transfixed looking at her until Magnus elbows him sharply. 

Madzie is quiet, much quieter than Max at least. Max was always throwing his two cents into any conversation, always poking his nose into things, far too inquisitive for his own good. Madzie is quiet though, preferring to sit and stir food around her plate while Magnus and Cat talked. Alec sits across from her, and finds himself watching her behavior more often than not. 

She’ll constantly switch between sitting politely, sitting up on her knees and even standing up on her chair. Instead of the frustration his own parents would show at this behavior in Max, Magnus will just shoot her amused looks, and Cat seems fond. 

There’s the awkward way all kids hold silverware, and how she can’t seem to keep food on her fork very well. But sometimes, when Magnus and Cat aren’t looking, she’ll wave her hand to refill her water. At one point, she spins her fingers around, making the asparagus on her plate dance around before she ate it. 

When she catches Alec looking, she seems chagrined at getting caught, but Alec just winks at her. He certainly isn’t going to tell Magnus or Cat she’s playing with her food.

After their meal, Cat ges Madzie set up in her room with what she calls ‘homework’ which looks conspicuously like a spell book and tells her they’ll be just across the hall. Alec follows her and Magnus into a room that _smells_ like burnt sugar and heat. It smells like magic. There are shelves lining the walls, clear bottles lined up neatly on the shelves, some with dry ingredients, others blacked out and labeled in a scrawling script. In the corner there’s a table with a burner and an honest-to-god cauldron, but the worktable in the middle of the room is spread out with various books and loose papers. 

Cat and Magnus go to the worktable and start sorting through their papers. Alec waits for a few minutes, his hands clasped behind his back, but when they don’t say anything to him, he begins to wander. He picks up a bottle labeled “Seelie Petals.” He’s not sure exactly what they are but seem harmless enough. Neither of them had a reaction to Alec holding the bottle so he uncorks it. The petals inside in varying shades of pink and purple smell vaguely like the cocoa butter Izzy liked. 

“Honey, put that down and come here.” Magnus says. 

Alec re-corks the bottle and sets it back in its place. Magnus and Cat are both bent over the same book, one of Magnus’ pink-painted nails pointing to a line of text. He gestures for Alec to sit, so he pulls one of the stools from the opposite side of the table. 

“Alright Alec, before we do this, I need you to explain to me what happened.” Cat says, turning her bright blue eyes on him. 

“Cat I told you--”

“I want to hear it in his own words, Magnus.” Cat hits Magnus’ chest with the back of her hand. Alec looks between the two of them, a little unsure of going against Magnus but he acquiesces. 

“Um, it’s a little hard to remember?” Alec says, rubbing at his temple. “It was the day of my wedding to Lydia. I...I don’t remember what happened that night, but I woke up here yesterday morning.”

“Try to describe for me in detail what happened that day.” Cat presses.

Alec sighs. 

“I woke up, had a last fitting for my jacket. Lydia and I had paperwork we had to go over, we practiced our runes, went to lunch with some delegates from the Clave. The wedding was that evening.” Alec shakes his head, trying to abate the ache growing in his temple. The harder he searches for the memory, the foggier it becomes, like trying to recall a dream. “Izzy helped me get ready, we started the ceremony and then Magnus showed up.”

“Fashionably late.” Magnus interjects with a fond smile. Alec’s stomach sweeps unpleasantly, he looks down at his hands, picking at the skin around his thumbnail. 

“Keep going.”

“Magnus showed up, we finished the ceremony. I fought with my parents. I think...I think Lydia and I were sitting on the roof that night. I went to grab the cup from the office and then something happened, I...I’m not really sure what it was.” 

Alec has to blink a few times to clear his head, which is aching strongly now. When neither Cat or Magnus respond for a while, Alec looks up at them. Cat seems confused, but Magnus…. Magnus seems _hurt_. 

“Alec, what happened during the ceremony? Describe that more for me.” Cat says calmly. Alec doesn’t tear his gaze from Magnus, who seems suddenly distant with his arms crossed over his chest. 

“Everything was normal. Lydia was getting ready to draw the rune on me when you showed up.” He nods at Magnus who seems to flinch at the attention, “Um...my mom said something to you, and...and then we kept going with the ceremony. She drew the rune on me, and next thing I knew you were gone. I put my rune on her and the ceremony was over.” 

It’s not pleasant, remembering it. Remembering the hopeful look on Magnus’ face as he stood at the end of the aisle, dressed like a vision. He remembers Lydia walking down the aisle towards him, done up in crystals and champagne gold and not feeling much more than a detached knowledge that she looked beautiful. But when Magnus rounded that corner, pink streaked through his hair, a neon sign among the sea of gold and black, his heart stopped. It was Magnus, not his fiance in a wedding dress, but _Magnus_ that took his breath away.

He remembers turning his shoulder, looking back at Lydia and nodding for her to press the adamus to his skin, to burn the wedding rune into his wrist. Remembered how the pain on his skin for once wasn’t able to combat the fissure tearing through his chest. Alec looks down at his right wrist now, rubbing his thumb over the place where he can still feel the phantom burn. He wonders when _this_ Alec had it removed, why there was no raised scar in its’ place. 

He remembers puking in his bathroom after the ceremony, and then brushing his teeth so he could go smile and play diplomat for the clave. He remembers Lydia’s sympathy. 

He doesn’t want to remember it anymore. He wants to go back to twenty minutes ago, sitting downstairs in a strange warlock’s home, eating dinner and feeling like he was _at home_ with blue skin, cat eyes, and gills all out on display _._ He wants to go back to this morning, lying in bed with Magnus and that feeling of being _content_ that he doesn’t remember feeling before. 

“You…” Magnus pauses, cleaning his throat, “You let her draw the wedding rune on you?”

“Yes?” Alec glanced between Mangus and Cat, unsure why they’re stuck on the detail. “What...what’s wrong with that?”

Magnus opens his mouth a few times, like a response is on his tongue but he can’t force the words out. Eventually he turns away, arms folded across his chest. Cat glances at Magnus before turning back to Alec.

“That changes everything, Alec.” She sighs, voice detached and professional, “We’ve been looking into temporal magic because we were under the impression you were from our timeline.”

“Am I not?” He asks, staring at Magnus’ profile, longing for him to turn around and _explain._ “I thought...you said I was your Alec.” 

Magnus turns towards him and maybe Alec shouldn’t have wished to see his face, because it hurts more than he expects. His stomach seems to fall out of his body and guilt grows in its place like a thick black tar. Magnus’ expression is _wounded_ and looks so similar to the look on his face when Alec spat out words to _hurt_ him a few days ago, to push him away. 

(“ _Even if I did feel something for you... you want me to give up my life for you?_ ”)

“I thought you were, but you’re not him.” Magnus's eyes glisten with moisture, “My Alec didn’t go through with the wedding.”

Alec feels sick.

* * *

**iv**

* * *

Alec isn’t really sure what to feel after that. He’s kissed Magnus, _slept_ with Magnus, all the while thinking this was his future, that this was a reality. It all really was too good to be true. 

Alec doesn’t deserve this reality, it seems. Because _this_ Alec was somehow able to stand at that altar, and see Magnus standing there and have the strength not to look away. This Alec looked at that man and chose him. This Alec was somehow able to put Magnus before his family, his career, before _Izzy and Jace._ He put Magnus before the whispers behind his back, the scorn of his mother, increased distance from his father. 

This can’t be real though, because _this_ Alec was able to have both. This Alec gets to love and be loved. He should have known this wasn’t his world because things don’t work out that way. This is some long-winded, fever dream predicated on his own wish-fulfillment. It’s not real. None of it was ever real. He’s going to wake up from this dream, and see the wedding rune burned into his wrist. He’s going to wake up and see his own rune on Lydia’s skin.

The thought of waking up in bed with Lydia the way he woke up in bed with Magnus this morning fills him with a sense of sick dread. There’s nothing wrong with it, there’s logically nothing wrong. Lydia is brave and strong and _logical_ . Her blonde hair will shine like champagne in the sunlight, her pale skin will glow. She’ll look at him with those deep calm blue eyes and Alec will feel _nothing._

Alec sits at the bottom of the steps in Catarina’s apartment, waiting for the muffled voices upstairs to quiet. If Magnus never steps out of that room, then Alec can pretend he’s going to come down the stairs, touch his shoulder and smile gently at him. If Magnus never comes out of the room he never has to face his pain. 

He startles at the feeling of something on his shoulder, but when he looks behind him, it’s Madzie. Her hand is so tiny on his shoulder, but her eyes are big and _open_ with more depth than Alec feels he has inside of himself. She’s quiet, he’s learned that tonight. She doesn’t say anything.

She just _looks_ at him in that unnerving way children do, the way where they’re too young to see facades and glamorous, but not yet mature enough to understand what they see beneath it. He turns towards her and she takes the opening to swing around and sit in his lap, resting her back against his chest again. 

“I thought you were doing homework.” He says quietly, tucking his chin on top of her head. 

“I finished.” She shrugs, holding his hand in her own lap.

“Was it...magic homework?” 

She nods, extending his fingers out, and tracing her much smaller fingertips along the skin of his palm, tracing the creases in his joints. He’s transfixed, watching her play with his hand. The way she traces the lifeline of his palm. When she spreads her fingers out in the center of his palm, her hand is so much smaller than his that when he folds his fingers back, he engulfs her hand. 

She giggles, and it makes that thick tar in his stomach ease up a bit. He smiles into her hair. 

“Why are you sad?” She asks, going back to playing with his hand. 

What does he say to that? He can’t very well tell her that this entire world is a fabricated torture chamber for him. He can’t tell her that he’s not _her_ Alec, not the one that she’s comfortable enough with that she sits in the lap of a Shadowhunter. There are Shadowhunters still out there that would love to deal her harm, to cut the gills from her neck and put them on display, to skin Catarina and take Magus’ eyes as trophies. She’s so at-ease with him. 

He’s an imposter. 

“It’s complicated.” He shrugs, at a loss for how to explain this to her. 

“It’s okay to be sad.” Madzie says, with a surety that can only come with the innocence of childhood. Like she’s been told these words before when _she_ was sad, and logic tells her to parrot them back when faced with a similar situation. Does _this_ Alec tell her that? Does he hold her like this and tell her it’s okay to be sad, and kiss her cheek and give her stuffed animals?

Madzie waves her hand in front of them, and with a spark of white magic, fireworks explode in the air in front of them. A rainbow of sparks and color blossom in thin air with a small pop of magic. Alec watches as little explosions of color bloom before him, gentle and whimsical. Simple. 

“Madzie.” The tone behind them is sharp, and the fireworks cut off instantly. Catarina stands at the top of the stairs, blue arms folded over her t-shirt. “You’re supposed to be in your room doing your work.”

Madzie turns in Alec’s lap, pouting up at Catarina. “But Alec is sad.”

Cat looks at Alec with a pity that makes his skin crawl, and then sighs. “I know, baby. But Alec and Magnus are going home now. Say goodbye.” 

Madzie pouts, but turns and slips her arms around Alec’s neck, holding him tightly. “Feel better?” She asks, pulling back to look him in the eye. Alec musters up the best smile he can for her, and nods. Bidding her goodnight before she bounds up the stairs. He watches her go, and then Magnus appears at the top of the landing. 

It suddenly hurts to look at him. Magnus kneels down to hug her this time. There’s no swinging her around, no blinding smile. _He did that to him._

Magnus doesn’t grab his hand to pull him through the portal, he doesn’t rest a hand on Alec’s back or really even speak to him. He walks down the stairs and Alec follows. 

The air in the apartment is stifling. 

The silence, suffocating. 

“Magnus.” Alec tries, but Magnus walks ahead of him, shrugging his jacket off and going for the drink tray in the living room. Alec rests in the doorway to the living room, hands clasped behind his back, shoulders rolled back. Magnus pours himself a whiskey. 

“Would you like one?” Magnus asks in a detached voice. 

Alec opens his mouth to protest, to ask him to _explain_ , to beg for answers. 

“No.” He replies instead, biting the inside of his cheek. 

Magnus laughs, it’s dry and dismissive. “No, I suppose you wouldn't, would you?” Magnus throws back half the glass, topping himself off before spinning to lower himself onto the couch. Magnus lolls his head back across the head of the couch, long neck on display, adam's apple sharp and catching the warm light of the chandelier. 

The warmth of this room felt welcoming just this morning. Now it feels like an oppressive heat, like confining walls of a small enclosed space, encroaching in on him slowly. 

“Magnus, I don’t--.”

“Maybe you should stay at the Institute tonight.” Magnus interjects, looking back down at the tumbler in his hand, spinning the amber liquid around absently. 

Alec feels his hackles raise as the sharp sting of indignation burns across his skin. Magnus was _asking_ him to sleep here last night, telling him it was _his home too_ . But, they didn't exactly know then that Magnus was wrong, did they? They didn't know that he was a mere facade of _this_ Alec. The one that wears that gold band on his left hand, the one without a wedding rune, that holds Magnus. The one that Magnus loves. 

Who would have thought that Magnus’ disappointment would hurt worse than his mother’s. He didn’t know it was possible for it to cut deeper. 

Standing here in this room, with the heat closing in on him, and a pillar of ice and concrete between him and Magnus feels like torture. But the idea of going back to the Institute, to a cold bed and sheets, to drafty halls and the eyes of his family. This version of his family that is wholly and impossibly happier than he could have wished for them. This Jace who smiles and has settled into a gentle pulse along the line where Alec ends and Jace begins. This Izzy who smiles and holds Simon’s hands while they giggle and laugh about _Star Wars_ and superheroes. His mother who smiles and runs her fingers through his hair, who loves him and supports him. 

Going back to that false ideal is somehow worse. 

Alec’s head aches. 

“Magnus,” he starts, taking a step into the living room. Magnus watches him like a hawk. How does he fix this? What does he need to say? What can he…? “I’m sorry.” 

The worlds are meaningless, really. But is there anything else to say? What is he really even sorry for? Is he sorry that he’s not _this_ Alec? Sorry that he’s even here in the first place? Is he sorry that he made a different choice? Alec’s not even sure that, if he went back right now, he would choose differently. Maybe he should be sorry for that. 

“You know what the worst part of all of this is?” Magnus asks, paying close attention to the swirl of his liquid in the glass, “Now I can’t help but wonder where _my_ Alec is.” 

The words hit like a direct blow, cutting the breath from his lungs and stinging sharply.

“Magnus--”

Magnus stands up, interrupting him. Magnus finally looks at him, meets his gaze, but there’s nothing there. The brown eyed glamour is a steel wall between them, cutting Alec off from any look into the other man. Magnus stalks towards him, face set in a scowl. 

“Is he in here?” Magnus asks, touching Alec’s chest with the hand still holding the whiskey, “Is he stuck beneath the surface? Can he hear all of this? See it?”

“I…” Alec can’t breathe, “I don’t think so?”

“Well that’s the problem isn’t it?” Magnus scoffs, “I’ve been here playing house with you, and we don’t even know where my husband is.” Magnus touches Alec’s chest again, expression falling into something aching and sad. “Has he been here the whole time? Did he feel it when I kissed you thinking you were him?”

Alec’s blood rushes in his ears and it feels like a fissure runs through his chest, fracturing from the point where Magnus’s hand connects to him. 

“Magnus, I’m sorry.” Alec hears the hitch in his voice, but he can’t help it. He can’t _breathe_. He can’t hear, and it feels like he’s falling apart. Like everything is falling through his fingers like sand. 

Magnus looks up to Alec’s face. _Oh_. Heartbreak. That’s the expression he sees. “Me too.” 

“I didn’t know.” He wants to grab Magnus, to make him listen. But he doesn’t have that right anymore, does he?

He watches the minute shift of Magnus’ face, the way the pinch between his eyes softens and his brow curves upwards. The way the corners of his eyes pitch down, and his mouth relaxes. Magnus raises his hand to brush the backs of his fingers down the side Alec’s face.

“I know.”

Do the words sooth him? Maybe. Do they do anything to ease the sinking pit of tar in his stomach? No, not at all. If anything, it feels deeper, cavernous and reverberating with a bone-deep ache. 

The moment is over though, and Magnus turns away, throwing back the rest of his glass. Alec wants to chase the feeling of his touch, but knows he doesn’t deserve to seek it out any longer. He doesn’t want to leave, but he can’t stand to fill the void where Magnus’ husband should be. Can’t stand that his presence is _hurting_ Magnus. 

“I need to do some more research.” Magnus says finally.

“Do you want me to leave?” 

Magnus pauses, looking at Alec with those sad eyes. “I won’t make you leave.” Alec meets his gaze, and there’s some understanding there, a sick solidarity. Magnus can’t stand for Alec to leave any more than he can stand to look at him. “I’ll be in my work room, why don’t you lie down.” 

Magnus doesn’t stick around for any followup. He goes into that room on the far side of the living room, and as the doorway opens Alec can see similar shelves and cabinets that were in Cat’s room. Magnus doesn’t close the door behind him, but the cracked door doesn’t feel like an invitation either. 

Alec thinks about sleeping, he really does. But he finds athletic pants when he’s looking for pajamas, and there’s a deep-set desire to _run_. To do something. He knows his hands will shake and his stomach will knot if he tries to lay down. Knows he won't be able to sleep until he tires himself out. He changes into the workout gear. 

He stands in the living room, tying his sneakers and debates telling Magnus but he doesn’t have the heart to step into that room. Alec grabs his thigh holster, stele strapped in tight, and _runs_ . He knows this area in a perfunctory sense, so he tries to keep track of the turns he takes. But once he gets started he can’t stop. The restless energy, the hurt, the inability to _fix this_ is channeled through his feet. It drives him blocks and blocks, fuels him until his feet ache, his knees tremble and his breath burns and then he activates the stamina rune and he keeps going. 

It feels good, the burn. It’s always been the best solution to chasing away the darkness at the corners of his mind. He prefers boxing, hitting the heavy bag until he can’t hold focus any longer, hitting it until his knuckles bleed and his bones ache. Until the pain in his body outweighs the pain in his heart. 

It’s dark, and late out, and he passes by gaggles of drunk mundanes, girls in short skirts and men with open shirts, couples kissing in alleys and singing in the streets. He bypasses them, caught in the mindless weightless feeling of running. He runs until he stops recognizing streets, until crowds bleed out into abandoned streets, streetlights fade and the chatter stills. 

He’s so caught up in himself that when Magnus appears before him suddenly on a dark street, catching his elbow, Alec lets out an undignified yelp and stumbles backwards, falling onto his ass.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Magnus shouts, not bothering to help Alec up. 

Alec’s head swims, disoriented from the sudden stop. He presses a hand to the ground, the rough concrete, chest heaving, attempting to re-orient himself. He looks around and utterly does not recognize his surroundings. Magnus is standing over him though, face scrunched up in fury, body a pillar of tension. 

“What?” He asks, staggering to his feet, his knees and thighs shaky and unstable. 

“Why weren’t you answering your phone?” Magnus demands. 

Alec fumbles for the thing, strapped into his thigh holster. He pulls it out and sees several missed calls, a few from Underhill, and several from Magnus over the span of the last twenty minutes. It’s also far later than Alec thought. Almost two hours have passed since he left the apartment. 

“I…” Alec sighs, “I didn’t hear it.” 

“You didn’t tell me you were leaving.” Magnus says, and Alec can hear the anger fading from his voice, leaving behind hard indignation. 

“You didn’t seem like you wanted to talk to me.” 

“How did you even end up here?” Magnus huffs, “this is the middle of Queens, Alec. You could have at least stayed in the same borough as me.” Alec glances around, squinting at the relatively residential surroundings. He should probably raise a bit more to Magnus’ anger, to his questions, but he’s genuinely tired now, body and soul. 

“Lost track of where I was.” Alec shrugs. “How did you find me, anyway?”

“I tracked you. Which I wouldn’t have had to do if you just answered the damn phone.” Magnus huffs, but seems to deflate a little with each passing moment. “Are you okay?”

“Yea,” Alec nods, still breathing heavily. Sweat drips down his forehead, his hair clinging uncomfortably to his skin. He suspects some road rash on his palms, but other than the pleasant ache, the groan of his knees, the pulsing in his feet, he’s fine. “Just tired.” 

“Well, we have to go do something before we can go ho--back to the apartment.” 

Alec winces. “What’s going on?”

“Another attack.”

Alec steps through the portal behind Magnus, startled to find himself standing outside of a bar, warm light pouring through the front windows. Alec recognizes this bar, Jace and Izzy dragged him here once a few years ago until he complained so much that they let him go home. It’s a Downworld bar. 

Inside the bar, there’s no crowd, just a few Downworlders clustered around one of the front tables. Maia, the werewolf from yesterday, is holding ice wrapped in a bar rag to Underhill’s head. Underhill is sitting there with a black eye and a busted lip. There’s a man standing before him, arms crossed and his back a line of tense fury. He’s shorter than Alec, with tanned skin and hair slicked back into a low ponytail. 

“Bane.” The man says, turning to look at them as the bell above the door sounds. Magnus tenses a bit, but Alec shoves in the door behind him, crowding between Magnus’ back and the door. The man is glowering at both of them, and Underhill just seems exasperated. 

“Lorenzo, we got here as soon as we could.” Magnus’s voice is level. Lorenzo glances between them with pursed lips. He looks at Alec, with his flushed skin and sweat-drenched hair and narrows his eyes. 

“I’m sorry, did we _interrupt_ something?” 

Alec opens his mouth to reply, to bite back something petty or snide, but he’s stopped by Magnus’s hand on his arm. 

“That’s enough.” Magnus says, “Alec was out running, he didn’t have his phone.”

Lorenzo’s face pinches, and Alec can feel the air shift. The hair on his arms stands on end and there are orange sparks around Lorenzo’s fingers and the room begins to smell like summer heat. 

“Hey.” Underhill reaches out and grabs Lorenzo’s hand. He looks down at the Shadowhunter and after a moment, deflates, shaking his hands out until the magic dissipates. Underhill squeezes his hand 

Alec, narrows his eyes, looking at their clasped hands. He observes how Underhill brushes his thumb across the back of Lorenzo’s hand.

“You should just let me heal you.” Lorenzo says gently, stepping closer to the man. Underhill smiles up at him with a soft expression Alec never would have expected to see on his face. It’s far too intimate to be on public display like this. 

They’re together. He’s not sure why, but the idea of it is jarring. He’s known Underhill in passing for so long and he never once suspected. It’s like he sees him in a whole new light. Alec suddenly understands why Underhill seems to be filling the role of his second instead of Izzy or Jace. He gets why it seems like they’re close. 

They’re the same. They’re both even dating warlocks, it seems. Alec’s never...Magnus is really the only other person he’s met like himself. He’s never met another Shadowhunter that was like him. (That he knows of.)

“Keep your energy, I’ll be fine, Lo.” Underhill squeezes the other man’s hand. “Alec, can you help me with an iratze? I don’t have my stele.”

Alec walks around Magnus, ignoring the odd tension between him and Lorenzo so he can hand the stele over to Underhill. Up close, Alec can see lacerations along his arms and blood staining the crisp blue button-down he had on. There is bruising on his face and something open and bleeding along his hairline. 

“What happened?” Alec asks, pulling the stele from his thigh holster and handing it to the other man. He takes it, and rolls up his sleeve to draw the iratze on the soft flesh of his inner arm. The skin there is littered with faint white scars from previous runes. 

“I think we got jumped by our local serial killer.” Underhill says, wincing as the iratze glows and begins to knit his flesh back together and sooth burst blood vessels. 

“You think?” Lorenzo scoffs. Alec glances over at him, standing much closer to Magnus than he would have guessed either of them would be comfortable with. “Andrew, I can tell you for a fact that _gilipollas_ was trying to kill you.”

“That true?” Alec asks, taking the stele back from _Andrew_. 

“Yes.” Andrew nods, “We were going to head down the alley and portal home when we were jumped from behind. I don’t know what happened, I didn’t get any sense anyone was with us, they just got the jump on us. I was a bit disoriented, but Lo was able to get ‘em before they ran off.”

“Hellfire spell.” Lorenzo assured, jutting his chin up and smiling snidely. Alec doesn’t like that look. “It won’t heal easily. Not even an iratze will fix that.”

“You think it was a Shadowhunter?” Alec asks. Lorenzo seems a little startled by Alec’s curt question, but quickly collects himself. 

“Well, they had their skin covered so I couldn’t see runes, but they were definitely using adamus.” Lorenzo pulls back his sleeve to reveal his forearm and a pink-slice along the flesh there. Magnus takes a step closer and winces, hands hovering over the wound.

“Adamus burn.” Magnus nods, “Do you want me to--”

“No.” Lorenzo pulls his arm back sharply, letting his sleeve fall back down. “I’m quite capable of healing a burn on my own, Bane.”

Alec huffs, rolling his eyes. It sounds like _this_ Alec knows this person, like they’re friendly at least through Underhill. But the attitude is grating and Alec is far too tired to put up with this. Magnus catches his eye, and there’s a smile on his face for the first time tonight, small and contrite. ‘Be nice.’ Magnus mouths over Lorenzo’s shoulder. Alec purses his lips. If it were anyone else…

* * *

The sun is peeking over the horizon when they finally get back to the apartment. The sweat has cooled on Alec’s skin and clings to him like a sticky film, his hair sticks to the back of his neck. Magnus waltzes through the portal in front of him, quickly removing his jacket and tossing it into the living room, stretching his arms out. 

“This night just never ends, does it?” Magnus chuckles, collapsing down into one of the armchairs. 

This space between them, the wall that was put up so suddenly feels a little easier. Less tense. Like the space between them is no longer a chasm but a bridge. Small, and rickety, but stable enough. Alec takes a tentative step into the living room. 

Alec’s just...tired. He’s tired. All of this, the last couple days have been _exhausting._ The ache in his body has turned sour, his knees and feet protest with every step, and his clothes cling uncomfortably to his body. Not just the physical exhaustion though, it’s everything. It’s the emotional whiplash from Magnus, it’s the thick tar that still coats his stomach and has him nauseous, it’s the _guilt._

He’s too tired to tiptoe around this.

“Magnus,” Alec sighs, “I’m sorry. I know...that might not be what you want to hear. But If I could bring him back right now, your Alec, I would. If I could--” 

“I know that, Alexander.” Magnus looks at him. He seems just as tired with the makeup smudged messily under his eyes and the downward curve of his mouth. “I...I shouldn’t blame you. _I’m_ sorry.” 

“I need to take a shower, and then I’ll sleep upstairs in the guest bedroom.” Alec says. Magnus’ expression shifts, and Alec isn’t quite sure what it’s saying, but Magnus just nods at him. He doesn’t have the experience with Magnus that _this_ Alec has. _This_ Alec would know exactly what every squint and shift, every curve and pinch of Magnus’ expressions means. 

Alec is just lost.

He feels adrift in the sea. Like he’s been thrust into deep water with no life raft and no land in sight. The water is violent and raging against him, pushing and pulling in every direction. And Alec’s getting tired of staying afloat. Even the best swimmers drown from exhaustion. 

He feels clean after his shower, but the exhaustion is still there, settled deep into his bones, fused to his skeleton. When Alec exits the bathroom after getting dressed, he’s surprised to see Magnus in the bedroom. 

He had expected Magnus to wait him out, either stay in the living room or go into his work room until Alec went upstairs to sleep in the guest room. He was expecting...he was expecting that chasm to open up between them once more. But the bedroom lights are still on, and Magnus lies half under the sheet on the side of the bed where _this_ Alec sleeps. 

Tentatively, Alec rounds the other side of the bed. Magnus’s eyes are still smudged black and his hair flops against the pillows, stiff with product. He shouldn’t. He should walk away, but he can’t help but stare at the man for a moment. Maybe two. 

This life with Magnus is everything he could have asked for. It’s what he couldn’t even imagine in his most ambitious teenage dreams. _Magnus_ is everything he could have asked for. Loving, kind, understanding. Alec doesn’t deserve him. _This_ Alec might, the one that wears that wedding ring, but Alec? Alec doesn’t deserve kind eyes and loving gestures. 

But masquerading as _this_ Alec, even just for a day, was one of the best experiences of his life. Even if none of it was real. Even if the loving eyes and gentle hands, the press of lips was meant for another Alec from another world, Alec is glad to have been able to experience that.

It’s something he’ll cling to, something he’ll remember and hold close to his heart on cold nights once he goes home. He’ll remember it, lying in bed with Lydia at night. When he kisses her the way husband and wife are supposed to, he’ll remember the press of Magnus’ lips. When he lies in bed with her, he’ll look at her blue eyes and remember gold. He’ll cling to this warmth in the cold of his life and hope it’s enough to last him. 

Maybe Magnus was right, Magnus from his world. None of this is fair to Lydia or Magnus. It’s not even fair to himself. But Alec doesn’t know how to make any other choice. He can run through the options a million more times like he did before putting that rune on Lydia’s body. He can make pro and con charts in his mind, weigh all of his options, and his head still leads him in the same direction, even if his heart is drawn to Magnus. 

His presence here, in the place where _this_ Alec resides, isn’t fair to Magnus either. But Alec can’t bring himself to regret being here, no matter how much guilt consumes him.

Maybe Alec is perpetually destined to hurt this man.

Alec’s leaving the room, hitting the lightswitch beside the door when he’s stopped in his tracks. 

“Stay.” Magus says, almost so quietly that Alec’s not even positive he heard it correctly. Alec hesitates. He doesn’t want to hurt Magnus any more, it’s the last thing he wants to do. But, like a moth to the flame, Alexander Lightwood will always be drawn to the indescribable spark of Magnus Bane. 

Alec’s going to get too close, he’s going to get burned. But Alec has always been a glutton for punishment, always relished in blood on his hands and fractures in his bones. What’s the difference between that and letting Magnus’ fire burn him, inside and out?

Alec turns back towards the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO. The boys are sad and I am very interested to see reactions to this chapter. Season One Alec is a lot more grumpy and snippy than Post-Canon Alec and it's amusing to Magnus and just proceeds to confuse and annoy everyone else. Also, I haven't read any of the books with Lily in them, I tried to read some of her excerpts to get a feel for her character, so apologies if I've bastardized her. She's just flirty and sarcastic in her brief appearance here.
> 
> I know the chapters are long and cover a lot of material, but it really does seem the best way to split these up. If I split it up into story beats it'd be like, 20 chapters long and some of them would be very short. 
> 
> Comment or you can reach me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Koryandr_) or [Tumblr](https://koryandr.tumblr.com/) Feel free to @ me, I'd love to hear from you. :) Also, feel free to reach out if you have any questions/concerns.


	3. Day Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad so many of you are interested in the plot point from last chapter, it's a really big part of the story moving forward, and it puts Alec and Magnus in this really weird position with one another that I find so compelling. The boys have got a lot to work through. I've loved your comments so far, thank you to everyone that has been reading, I really appreciate it! <3 
> 
> This chapter has maybe the fluffiest thing I've ever written. 
> 
> No additional trigger warnings apply, translations are footnoted.

* * *

**i**

* * *

Magnus isn’t in bed when Alec wakes the next morning. The place where the sheets should be warm from Magnus’ body are instead occupied by two bundles of gray fur. He feels an initial swell of disappointment, and then an appreciation for this moment of quiet. 

The cats breathe deeply next to him, and Alec still feels that lazy crawl of morning over his skin. Based on the sun coming in, Alec would guess it’s far later in the morning than he’s used to waking up. The ache in his bones has settled in sleep, and his body is heavy against the sheets. It’s nice. 

_ This world _ is nice. 

Eventually, he’s called from the warm bed by a gnawing in his stomach. He sees the door to Magnus’ work room open, but bypasses it in favor of the kitchen. It takes him a bit, but he manages to find coffee and after fighting with the complicated looking machine, Alec gets a pot started. He should probably go back to the Institute today, check in on Underhill. Touch base with his siblings, who have taken it upon themselves to cover his duties while he’s  _ indisposed _ . 

He had a few miscellaneous text messages on his phone this morning from Izzy and Jace, but nothing that seemed pressing. 

Alec pours himself a mug of coffee, and hesitates to get another mug from the cabinet. Does Magnus like coffee? How does he take it? Black? Sugar, creamer or milk? Alec doesn’t know what Magnus orders when they eat out, he doesn’t know the ticks of Magnus’ expression, the sway of his body he--

Alec breathes. 

_ Don’t overthink it. _

The voice sounds far too much like his sister.

He knocks on the door to Magnus’s workroom, two mugs held in his hand. Alec slides the door open. Magnus is standing before his work table looking...like a mess. His hair is without product, held back off his forehead with pink butterfly clips and he’s wearing a loose cropped sweatshirt and sweatpants. When Magnus looks up, his eyes are that unglamoured yellow and he’s still got yesterday’s makeup smudged under his eyes.

“Good morning.” Magnus says tentatively. That space between them, while not fully mended, is tentative, healing. Alec’s never been particularly subtle. It feels like if he takes a step, he’ll trip over his own feet and this tentative bridge between them will crumble but...but Alec’s tired. 

“Coffee?” He offers, holding up the mug for Magnus. It must be a step in the right direction, because some of the tension in Magnus’ face eases, and his shoulders relax a fraction. 

“Please.” Magnus’s smile is tentative but there, and Alec takes that as permission to enter this space. He hands the mug over and takes a sip of his own coffee, observing the room. It’s like Catarina’s room from last night (was that really just last night?) except where her room was sleek and clean, acrylic glass and neat orderly bottles, Magnus’s is a bit more...eclectic.

It looks old-world. Glass bottles of varying sizes and shapes, wooden shelving and locked curio cabinets filled with boxes and bottles in stopped jars. Just like Cat’s room, however, Magic lingers in the air here with the smell of burnt sugar and spearmint. Alec can feel magic imbued within the walls, the wood and glass. It’s like the power here has been drawn up directly from a leyline, pure and unadulterated within these walls. 

It tickles Alec’s nose, his fingertips and toes. 

“This is two warlock lairs you’ve been invited to in the last twenty four hours, Alexander.” Magnus says, leaning his hip against his table and taking a sip of the coffee. Magnus crinkles his nose at the taste and snaps his fingers over the cup. The next sip seems to satisfy him more, because he sighs pleasantly. “We’ll make a witch of you yet.”

“Somehow I don’t think warlock magic interacts well with angel blood.” Alec hedges, coming over to the table and resting his weight on it. 

“You never know.” Magnus shrugs. He seems to hesitate before leaning forward across the table a bit towards Alec. “I’ll have you know that... _ my Alec _ loves to interact with warlock magic.”

Magnus’s smile is, oh how did he describe it before...coy? It’s flirty and reminds Alec of “ _ I love a dirty lair _ ” and “ _ pretty boy _ .” He’s suddenly flushed, thinking of the implications of what Magnus means. He knows the feeling of Magnus’ magic, the way the electricity of it slides down his spine, envelops his senses. He can imagine it dancing across his skin, over his throat down his chest--

“Yea?” Alec asks, a little breathless.

Magnus nods, smirking into his coffee cup. 

Maybe they can do this. Exist with the ghost of  _ this _ Alec,  _ Magnus’s Alec _ between them. 

The moment shifts, Magnus looks back down at his book and Alec shakes the idea of sense memories attached to this body that he has not experienced. Likely never  _ will _ experience. 

“What are you working on?” Alec asks, leaning forward to read along some of the loose pages around the table. One of them seems to be written in Chinese characters, another in Ancient Greek, some Creole possibly. It’s been a while since Alec has really had to stretch his mind for languages beyond English, Spanish, and Latin.

Magnus glances up at him, and if Alec didn’t know better he’d say he seems a bit nervous. He takes another sip of the coffee before setting his mug down and grabbing the book in front of him. It’s white and leather-bound with loose pages sticking out all through the book. 

“I’ve been looking through all the books I have, trying to come up with something.” Magnus rubs a hand down his face, smudging the black makeup around his eyes even further down his cheekbones. 

“Did you sleep at all?” Alec asks. He wants to look away, but Magnus’ expression falls and the defeated look on his face has every instinct in Alec on edge, telling him to  _ fix this. _

“No.” Magnus shakes his head, “I tried but...I couldn’t.”

Alec itches to reach across the table and offer comfort. He resists the urge.

“I’m sorry.” He hedges instead, helpless against the guilt eating away at his insides.

“I told you last night, I don’t think it’s your fault. Besides, I’m notoriously a terrible sleeper, it drives Alec crazy, this isn't new.” Magnus tries to wave him off, taking a heavy breath to rid himself of the weight of this conversation. “At least all of that time was spent on something productive.” 

Magnus picks up the large tome and walks around the table, setting it down in front of Alec. The book smells strongly of burnt-sugar and old book. The pages seem to only be preserved with magic, Alec almost thinks if he touches it directly the magic would singe his skin. Magnus is pointing to a squared off portion of the page, but Alec can’t quite place the characters.

“I don’t recognize that.” Alec shrugs.

“Oh right,” Magnus shakes his head, “Well this is an old spell written in Amharic, I imagine you wouldn’t know that one. But I think this might be the key to getting you back home.” 

Alec opens his mouth to ask something, but Magnus is already walking across the room, pulling a couple of books from a shelf, and some loose papers from the workbench. He lays them out in front of Alec. “Ragnor Fell, a late, very dear friend of mine, had mention of this in one of his journals. I knew he had talked about it at some point.” Magnus opens the small leather-bound journal in his hand to a bookmarked page, handing it to Alec. 

Alec reads the looping script as Magnus explains further. “So he did have an experience with something similar back in London, early 1700’s. A woman came to him, said she was from a different world. I looked at this yesterday but...well we were looking for temporal magic at the time, not dimensional. It took him months to find the solution, but that was because he didn’t have one very important object.”

“What?”

“The Book of the White.” Magnus smiles triumphantly, patting the large leather-bound tome on the table in front of him. “We didn’t get this back until just recently, so he had to track down several other warlocks, and this” Magnus stacks a loose paper on top written in what looks like French, “is one of the spells he had to trade for, which is a heavily bastardized version of our original Amharic spell here from the Book of the White.

“There are a few regurgitations of the spell here, one in German, Arabic, Swahili. But they’re all variations of the same original spell. Ragnor, bless him, had to sort through all of these different versions. The problem is, these have been passed down orally between generations of warlocks, and so he had to cross reference all of them to try and sort out the original spell. But, we are lucky. We have the original spell right here all to ourselves.” 

Magnus steps back, hands on his hips, and practically preens. It, of course, looks ridiculous with the butterfly clips in his hair and the days old makeup on his face, but Alec still finds him absurdly beautiful. 

“I mean, this would be far easier if we had something physical from your world, opening that portal would be simple. But this spell is about realignment. Instead of drawing energy from a physical object, it draws on  _ your _ energy to locate your world, or your dimension rather, and it’s just a matter of using that energy and...nudging you back into place.” 

“ _ ‘Nudge me back into place’ _ ?” Alec repeats, narrowing his eyes at Magnus. “I don’t think I like the sound of that.”

“No no, don’t fret, dear.” Magnus waves him off, setting his hand along the back of Alec’s neck and smiling down at him. “I’d never do this if it were going to hurt you, trust me.” 

“I do.” Alec answers. It’s not even a question. He does trust Magnus. Everything he was ever taught tells him he shouldn’t, every class and lecture and book. But every fibre of his being tells him he can trust him implicitly. He trusts Magnus more than he trusts himself at the moment. Magnus smiles at him, and there’s still that  _ distance _ there, but he’s warm and fond, and the scratch of his nails on the back of Alec’s neck are grounding. 

“Good. Now,” Magnus pulls away, picking up everything from the table in front of Alec and bringing it back around to the other side. “I need to collect some ingredients, I’ll have to hop over to France for a specific flower, and there’s a shadow market in Seoul that should have the rest of what I’m looking for, but the entrance doesn’t open for a few more hours. There is one thing I need from you.”

“What do you need?”

“I need you to recruit one of your siblings...or Biscuit. She would work fine for this.” Magnus rolls his neck, and Alec is caught watching the curve of his jaw and the jut of his adam's apple. “I’ll need some extra power for the spell. I don’t want to bother Catarina, so if one of your brood would spare me some energy I think I can get you home today.” 

Alec remembers this. He had heard stories of warlocks tapping into energy reserves of other, into Nephilim magic if it is shared. He hadn’t known what to expect when Magnus curled his fingers around Alec’s what was only a week or two ago for Alec, but must’ve been well over a year for Magnus. 

He hadn’t expected the way it felt when Magnus pulled the energy from his body. It didn’t hurt, not at all, in fact there was something almost pleasant about it. It almost felt like the parabatai bond, when Jace would poke and prod at the veil separating them, when he would search for Jace through the bond. But it was full-body. He felt his own energy leaving his body through his hand, his fingers tingled and went numb as his stomach tightened.

It was really the first time he felt Magnus’ magic within him. He had gotten electric shocks from Magnus, when they summoned that demon he felt Magnus’ magic through their joined hands, pass up through his chest and out his other hand into Jace to complete the circle. But this? He felt Magnus’ magic licking down through his toes, could taste it on his tongue and in his lungs.

It felt intimate. 

There’s a selfish part of him that doesn’t want Magnus experiencing that with Jace or Izzy, and especially not Clary. But...but Magnus wants  _ his _ Alec back, and Alec should do everything in his power to make that happen. He owes Magnus this.

“Of course. I’ll call Izzy.” Alec tries to smile around the sudden weight in his chest.

“Great. Let me hop on over to France so I can grab the flower I need, and I should be back from Seoul around two and then it’ll take a couple hours to prep the spell. I’ll text if I’m running late.” Magnus says, grabbing a sheet of parchment from the table to write down his supplies. 

Alec watches Magnus shift around the room, tucking pages back into books and tossing pens and parchment over his shoulder. He thinks about sitting here in this apartment, with  _ this _ Alec’s cats and basking in the shadow of a life he will never live. The idea has something gnawing at his insides. But similarly...he doesn’t want to lose any time he has left with Magnus. He should go to the Institute, work on the murder case, see his siblings but...but when he goes back to his world Izzy, Jace, and Clary will still be there. He’ll still have the Institute. He’ll never have Magnus again, not with that wedding rune on his wrist.

“Can I come with you?” Alec asks.

Magnus seems a little startled, looking up from weathered parchment to raise his eyebrows at Alec. “You want to come with me? I’m just collecting ingredients for the spell, it won’t be very exciting.” 

“I…” Alec purses his lips, unsure how to put his thoughts into words, “I don’t...I’d rather be with you?” Alec glances down at his hands, rubbing over the skin of his cuticles, remembering the soothing burn of Magnus’s magic when he healed them the other night. 

Magnus is next to him now, tapping two fingers to the underside of Alec’s chin and drawing his gaze up. Magnus seems intent as he looks Alec in the eye. Then Magnus smiles and Alec knows he understands. Understands that Alec doesn’t want to play house as  _ this _ Alec any longer, not wanting to be in his home, his workplace, his family. Somehow Magnus knows. 

“Okay. Go get dressed and meet me back in here in ten.” 

Alec glances at Magnus, the lazy clothes and butterfly clips. He raises an eyebrow at him. 

“What?”

“Aren’t you going to change too?” 

Magnus’ brow pinches, and then he brings a hand up to feel the clips in his hair and chuckles lightly. “Look, these are Madzie’s. I don’t want to hear it.”

“No, I think it’s a good look.” Alec smiles, falling into that pleasant ease he feels talking to Magnus. “Very intimidating for the High Warlock of Brooklyn.”

“Make fun all you want, but I’ll have you know this was a popular look in the 90’s.” Magnus scoffs, but he’s grinning. 

“Well you would know, wouldn’t you. What are you? Like, four hundred?”

“According to some sources,” Magnus shrugs.

“Okay, really though, how old are you?”

“Well I can’t tell you that. I have to keep some mystery alive in our relationship.”

Alec feels the wash of cold water the same moment Magnus notices his slip.  _ ‘Our  _ relationship.’ They have no relationship, not really. The warm grin on Magnus’ face falls into something more somber, but he doesn’t falter, not fully.

It seems neither of them quite know how to dance around this correctly. 

Magnus insists on dressing Alec “ _ because if I let you dress yourself you’ll be traipsing around the french countryside in all-black and I can’t have that _ .” He doesn’t mind it, honestly. It’s not like Magnus shoves glitter and lace into his arms, just a soft striped crew-neck and khaki pants. It is far more color than Alec prefers, but Magnus has a self-satisfied smile and an expectant look and apparently no Alec in any universe can resist that. 

Magnus, of course, looks like a vision from one of Izzy’s fashion magazines. A short sleeved white button up that is molded to his biceps and unbuttoned down to just above his navel that frankly leaves Alec with a dry mouth. Magnus spins in the mirror after he’s put the finishing touches on the outfit, and Alec doesn’t quite hear what he’s saying as he is far too distracted with the way his necklaces drape down across his open chest and how that soft shade of pink makes his ass look--

“Alexander?” 

“Sorry, what?” Alec has to blink a few times to clear his head.

“I said,” Magnus walks up to Alec with a smirk, “not to forget your watch.” Alec hears the snap of fingers, and then Magnus is laying the watch over Alec’s wrist, turning his hand over to fasten the leather clasp. 

“I didn’t think dad even still had this.” 

“It was a wedding gift.” Magnus tucks the tail end of the band into its’ loop and turns Alec’s wrist over. “He told Alec it was something passed down to him on his wedding day. Family tradition.” 

“...Dad didn’t mind?”

“Mind what?”

“You know...us. You and me. Well...you know, not me but your Alec.”

Magnus sweeps his thumbs over the glass of the watch, seeing some memory there Alec is not privy to. “ _ His _ parents,  _ your _ parents, whatever you want to call it. They try. Sometimes more successfully than others. This was your father trying. Maybe you had to be there, but it was a very nice gesture.” 

“Mom seems okay with all of this.”

“Maryse has had a rough few years, but I must say she’s grown into a lovely woman lately. A lot has changed for her. She was...reluctant at first, but she came around.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Alec hedges. His hand feels clammy, overly aware of Magnus’s fingers on his wrist, sweeping over the bone there. He wants to withdraw his hand, but cannot fathom the idea of pulling back first. 

“Of course.”

“What happened to mom?” Magnus looks up at Alec finally, a crease forming between his brows. “Why did they derune her?”

“Alec,” Magnus moves backwards as if to withdraw, but Alec moves with him.

“Please? She wouldn’t tell me either and I just…” Alec wishes Magnus would just read his mind so he doesn’t have to say the words. 

There had to be a catch, even in this world. Some place the other shoe dropped, some consequence for all of the good things this Alec got. What price did he pay for his happiness? Did his mother pay that price to the clave? If  _ he _ didn’t pay it, then surely someone else did. Surely someone had to pay penance for--

Magnus grabs Alec’s jaw, maybe a tad too rough, and forces his gaze. Alec could swear he feels the tingle of Magnus’s magic on his skin, can see the fire burning in Magnus’s determined gaze. “Your mother suffered the consequences of her own actions, that is all.” 

Magnus releases Alec’s jaw, softening his hand to stroke along Alec’s cheek with the back of his fingers. “Maryse did bad things in her life and that finally caught up with her. She did that long before you were born, it’s nothing you could save her from.”

Alec purses his lips around the way his throat has swelled up, he tries to take calming breaths. 

“Trust me, Alec did try to save her. Valiantly. She told him the same thing. Okay?”

Alec can only bring himself to nod. 

* * *

**ii**

* * *

Alec’s traveled before, but it was usually confined to the local Institute. He’s visited the Paris and Marseille Institutes, but he didn’t get to venture very far off the holy grounds. He was usually stuck babysitting his siblings while his parents worked. 

It’s early evening when they step down in France. This place is more rural than he remembers Marseille or Paris being when he visited those Institutes. Magnus walks out of the alley and onto a cobblestone street. The air is different here, less condensed than in New York, more aromatic from the shops nearby. The herbs from breads and sweets linger in the air as he follows Magnus down the narrow cobblestone paths. 

“Where are we?” Alec asks, stepping out of the way of a handful of children running down the street. 

“Riquewihr. Eastern France.” Magnus pauses for Alec to fall in step next to him. “Beautiful town, hasn’t changed much since I was here in the late 1700’s. Architecture is just picturesque.”

“What are we here for? A plant, right?”

“Correct.” Magnus takes off down one of the paths. “I need Nightshade.”

“I know Nightshade, couldn’t you get that back in New York?”

“Well, yes. But I need a certain strain that’s native to the area. They also sell wine from a nearby vineyard that is genuinely to die for.” Magnus grins over his shoulder at Alec, and Alec tries not to pay attention to the way his heart skips a beat. 

“Do you guys come here often?” 

Magnus pauses along the edge of the path they’re on, tilting his head to the side. “Actually, I don’t think I’ve brought Alec here before. He’s hit or miss with my date ideas, the man loved Japan, but was rather uninspired by our last trip to Prague, which is a disappointment truly.” 

Alec bites down a smile, urging Magnus forward with a hand to the small of his back. There’s a too-large part of him that enjoys that this isn’t a place Magnus’s Alec has filled before. That he doesn’t have to worry about following  _ this _ Alec’s footsteps here. 

Magnus leads them through a small gap between two stone homes and through to the nearby field. He conjures some tweezers and a glass bottle, and spends a good fifteen minutes filling the small bottle with the black berries and leaves. 

“Isn’t that poisonous?” 

“Some strains,” Magnus corks his bottle and slides it into the pocket of Alec’s pants. “But even then, toxins can be very powerful ingredients for spells and potions.”

“First of all, why don’t you put that in your own pocket? Second, do not feed me poison later.”

“Alexander, these pants are too tight on me, I can barely fit my phone in the pocket, let alone an entire bottle. I’d send it back, but organic material is difficult to conjure, I don’t want to mess up it’s properties. Besides, it’s an edible strain.” Magnus patts Alec’s cheek in a way that he can’t help but feel is condescending, “If I wanted to kill you you would have been dead long ago, don’t worry.”

“That’s not as reassuring as you think it is.”

“Either way,” Magnus pulls his phone out of his back pocket to check the time with a grimace, “the market in Seoul won’t open for another hour.”

“Did you want to get that wine?” 

Magnus seems to contemplate the idea, as if he hadn’t thought of making the detour. He purses his lips. “Are you sure?”

Which is how they end up walking up and down one of the main streets of the town for the next half hour. The architecture is beautiful, like something from a fairy tale. Fountains and balconies with draping vines and flowers. The buildings are painted vibrant colors, yellows, pink, and blues, and the roads beneath them remain cobblestone. 

Magnus pulls Alec through an ornate set of doors and into the winery. The walls are lined with shelves full of wine bottles, Magnus rattles off a greeting to one of the employees, and Alec pulls his hands behind his back to follow Magnus down the aisle. It’s not long before Magnus has Alec’s arms full of four different kinds of wine bottles. At one point, Magnus gets into a heated debate with the employee about two red wines that flows too fast in French for Alec to follow. 

After spending well over half an hour in the store, and coming out with an entire crate full of wine bottles, Alec understands Magnus’s reluctance to drag Alec into the store in the first place. 

“I’m always like this, you should have known.” Magnus shrugs, making sure the crate lid is secure as Alec holds it for him. 

“In my defense, I thought you were getting a bottle, not the entire store.” 

“Oh please, this is nothing. I’ll be back here for more in a couple months.” 

Magnus makes a quick portal in an alley back to New York to drop off the nightshade and wine, and then drags Alec through another. This time, they emerge onto streets covered in dark but lit up with the fluorescence of billboards and neon signs. 

“You’ve never been here before, right?” Magnus loops his hand through Alec’s elbow to walk him down the street. 

Seoul is as far from that French town as anyone could get. It’s like New York, except somehow cleaner and more imposing. Alec’s never learned Korean, but he can recognize the shape of the characters. People ignore them here the way everyone in New York does, but Alec does feel himself getting a double take from some people they pass in the street. 

“No, has your Alec?”

“Yes, Alec and I came here for Korean Barbeque on...was it our fifth date? Oh that sounds so good right now.” Magnus lays a hand over his stomach and groans. “We should get some before we go back to New York. I’ll widen your palate before I send you back.” 

They walk for a few blocks until Magnus pulls them to a stop in front of what appears to be a closed store. There are no lights on, and blinds are drawn down over the storefront windows. 

“What is this place?” Alec asks. 

“This is the entrance to the market. It’s just a glamour, look closer.” 

Alec blinks a few times, and then the dusty storefront fades out into a brightly-lit shop. He can see people milling around inside. 

“Here, put this on.” Magnus slides one of his necklaces over his head, undoing the back clasp and letting the pendant fall into his palm. But it’s not a pendant, it’s the gold band that sat on Alec’s side of the bed. It’s  _ this _ Alec’s wedding ring. 

“Why?”

“Just trust me.” Magnus drops the ring into Alec’s palm. It feels wrong, to slide the metal onto his skin. Magnus must feel it too, because the tension from last night begins to creep between them once more. 

When they enter the shop, the employee working there glances up at them, but stops what he’s doing when he sees Alec. Shadowhunters weren’t exactly welcome in Downworlder markets like this, he’s not surprised. 

“안전합니다. 그는 나와 함께 있습니다.”[1] Magnus drags Alec over towards the employee, speaking in huried Korean.

The man looks at Alec. On the surface, the man just appears to be the same age as Alec, with handsome, Korean features. But the longer he looks, the more he can see the sharp angular Seelie features beneath the surface, the impression of wrapping vines and flowers inked along the side of his face, sharp eyes and a cut jaw. 

“네피림은 여기서 환영받지 못합니다.”[2] The Seelie glares at Alec. 

“결혼 함. 제 남편입니다.”[3] Magnus grabs Alec’s left hand, holding it up with his own left to show the twin rings there. 

“그는 당신의 책임입니다.”[4] The employee seems reluctant, but takes a step back from the counter.

“알았어”[5] Magnus flashes the man a dazzling smile, and then drags Alec through the back of the shop with a tight grip on his hand. “You need to stay next to me here, don’t stray too far, okay?” 

“What was that about?” 

“Shadowhunters aren’t exactly welcome with open arms in these places.” Magnus pulls Alec even tighter to his side when a passing woman sneers at Alec.

Through the back entrance of the shop, it opens up into another street. There are stalls set up around the courtyard they’re in, and Alec can see this place branches out for several blocks. People walk in and out of shops. Magic lingers here with a charge in the air that makes the hair on Alec’s arm stand on end. 

“I’m assuming I’m only allowed here because you told them we’re married?” 

“It’s not a lie technically. You’re in my Alec’s body and we  _ are _ married..”

“Technically.” Alec rolls his eyes but Magnus doesn’t see. 

Alec is dragged around to several stalls where Magnus switches fluently between multiple languages depending on the vendor they’re speaking with. That charming quality Magnus has is dialed up higher than usual as he grins and flirts to bargain with whoever they’re speaking with. Alec is, once again, the designated bag holder. 

“I thought you only needed a couple things from here.” Alec says, taking a bag from one of the vendors that weights just as much as that crate of wine did. 

“I did. But I might as well stock up while I’m here.” Magnus shrugs. “Do you mind?”

“No of course not.” Alec says, despite the weight of the bags cutting circulation off in his fingers.

Alec is dragged in and out of shops for what feels like an hour. Magnus leaves him outside at one point, something about the magic in the next shop being unstable with Angel blood. Alec has to shuffle the bags in his arms for a bit. A child with silver scales along the side of their face stops in the street to squint at Alec. He smiles at the warlock boy, but his mother grabs his hand tightly a moment later and drags him away, speaking hushed and fervently to him. 

“You don’t belong here, do you Shadowhunter?” Alec looks off to the side. A young Korean girl is manning one of the stalls. She’s got pastel pink hair pulled back in some intricate braid on her head, and she’s dressed in something that would make Izzy proud, her midriff showing. Alec can’t quite place what she is from here. 

“I’m here with someone.” Alec holds up the bags, “I’m just the muscle.”

“You certainly are.” She drags her eyes down Alec’s body. He can’t help but grimace at her and she laughs in response. Her words have a bit of an accent to them. “That your boyfriend that just went in?”

“Yea.” Alec glances through the front window of the shop, but he’s unable to see Magnus among the patrons. “Well, husband, actually.” The word  _ husband _ feels like acid on his tongue. 

“What is he? Wolf?”

“Warlock.” Alec steps a bit closer to her stall so they don’t have to shout. “What about you?”

“That’s forward of you to ask.” She smirks at Alec, as he sputters. 

“But you--”

She opens her mouth, and tongues over the fangs that descend. “Vamp.”

Alec hums in response. He takes a look at what she’s got on her stall. There are trays of charms laid out, crystals in all colors, some strung on keychains, others suspended from necklaces or woven into bracelets. The labels are written out in Korean. “What is all this?”

“These are charms for any and all occasions.” She gestures to the rest of her stall, sounding bored. “I don’t know what half of them do, so don’t ask.”

“Shouldn’t you know what you’re selling to people?” Alec asks, picking up one of the necklaces. It’s an opal pendant, but the closer he looks, the more it looks like the colors within the opal are moving around like crashing blue waves and white foam. 

“Well it’s not  _ my _ shop. I’m just helping out my oppa. I think he chased after some girl for her phone number.” The girl shrugs, bringing her hands closer to her face to examine the intricate paint job on her nails. 

“Still, what if someone grabs something dangerous?” Alec grabs another bracelet, with a black obsidian crystal set within a silver frame. 

“I’m pretty sure the worst thing that can happen to you from one of these is some bad luck.” She plucks the bracelet from Alec’s hands, setting it back down on the tray, “None of these are dangerous. Just a little white magic, our aunt makes all of this.” 

Alec hums, looking at some of the rest of the charms. The girl bends down and grabs something from the lower shelves, standing up straight and dangling it between her fingers. “What’s that?”

“Yours.” She hands it over to Alec’ dropping it in his outstretched hand. It’s a pink crystal with a gold casting top. There’s some floral filigree going down the sides of the crystal, and a few gold stars suspended along the keychain next to it. 

“What is this?”

“Consider it a little gift.” She shrugs leaning over the counter and smiling at him.

“No really, what’s the catch?”

“There’s no catch.” She rolls her eyes, still grinning, “think of it as me getting back at my brother for ditching me here while he chases a girl.”

“How much?” 

“Hmm.” She taps her chin for a moment in mock consideration. “My price is you have to answer one question.” 

“And that question would be?” This conversation feels too much like when Izzy is trying to wheedle information out of him. 

“Tell me you and your husband’s names.” Her grin softens out.

“That’s your question?” Alec sighs.

“Yes, now ante up.” 

“You first.”

“Moon Eunsoo.” She holds her hand out to Alec, a silver charm bracelet dangling around her wrist. Alec’s hand is large enough to engulf her petite one, but he shakes her hand.

“Alexander Lightwood and my husband is Magnus Bane.” 

Eunsoo’s smile turns wistful and she turns his hand over in her grip, running her thumb over the gold ring a few times, humming. “That must be nice.”

“What?”

“Someone to love you like that.” She chuckles, passing her thumb over the metal again. “There’s more magic in this ring than anything my aunt could make. He must love you a lot.” 

When he thinks about this ring, Alec  _ feels _ the way Eunsoo  _ looks _ right now. When he thinks about  _ this _ Alec and his life here. His loving husband, their home with the two cats. Their life with Madzie and Catarina, Izzy and Simon, even Clary and Jace. He thinks about how Magnus knows Alec’s food order, and picks out clothes for Alec to look nice in when they go out. How there are two toothbrushes on the bathroom sink, and only one tube of toothpaste. The way Magnus’s magic lingers on everything  _ this _ Alec has, like Magnus is woven into the very fabric of Alec’s being. 

And he thinks about how, in a few hours, he’s going to go back to his world. To a life with Lydia. A life where his siblings will move on and hopefully be happy, and Alec will never feel those butterflies in his stomach without the guilt of betraying Lydia. How he’ll never lose his breath when she gets dressed up for an event at Idris, or smiles at him with soft eyes. 

“Yea, he does.” Alec says, that pit in his stomach growing even more. 

“Give that to him. He’ll appreciate it.” Eunsoo sighs and stands up straight, taking her weight off the counter. 

“Why? What is it for?”

“It’s just rose quartz.” She shrugs, looking off in a direction down the alley. She’s looking at a man standing in front of a smaller girl with purple skin and silver hair. The man leans down to press a kiss to the girl’s cheek, but the girl’s gaze turns towards them. Her eyes seem to light up, and her smile turns from polite into something tender. 

“Maybe you should give this to her instead.” Alec tries to hand the pendant back to her, but she holds her hands up.

“Thank you, but I can’t.” Eunsoo sighs, “It’s not...It wouldn’t work out. That’s my brother with her.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” She smiles at him, “Just give that to your man for me, okay?”

“Okay.” Alec looks back at the purple girl, who is still making heart eyes at Eunsoo even if she’s not looking back. “I hope it works out for you.”

“Me too.”

* * *

Later, sitting down to eat at a late-night restaurant halfway across the city, Magnus puts strips of meat on the hot plate between them. 

“We cook it ourselves?”

“Yes, we cook it ourselves. Which is perfect because Alec always likes to overcook his meat, and I can have mine the correct way.” Magnus pokes at the meat on the hot plate with his chopsticks. 

“So we just eat the meat by itself?” Alec glances around at all of the small dishes set out around them, a red paste, a soup, ginger, garlic, wasabi. “What’s all of this for?”

“Here.” Magnus takes the chopsticks, and a piece of lettuce from the basket. “One way to do it, is to make ssam. You put your meat in the lettuce, add anything you want, I like to put bean paste and sprouts in, and then wrap it up and eat it.” Magnus shoves the wrap of food in his mouth with the chopsticks. It’s not the most attractive look, but somehow it still works for Magnus. It makes Alec smile. 

“What?” Magnus asks, still chewing but covering his mouth with his hand.

“Nothing.” Alec shakes his head with a fond smile. “Let me try this.”

Alec tries to copy what Magnus just did, grabbing a few of the more thoroughly cooked pieces and wrapping them in the lettuce. He tries some of the red paste Magnus used, adds ginger and a few other pieces from the table. 

“It’s good.” Alec nods around a mouth full of food, trying to chew all of it at once. 

“I figured. My Alec likes it too.” Magnus smiles across the table, grabbing a piece of beef from the plate, dipping it in his sauce and eating it plain. 

One of the employees brings by a couple of bottles and sets them down on the table in front of Magnus. Magnus thanks him, uncaps one of them, and pours the amber liquid into a cup. “Now, Korean culture has strong drinking etiquette.” Magnus and sets another bottle and cup between them on the table. “You never pour a drink for yourself. So you have to pour me one.” 

Alec feels dubious about it, but uncaps the beer bottle anyway, pouring the glass for Magnus and handing it over. 

“You have to use both hands when you give it to me.” Magnus teases, only accepting the glass when Alec uses both hands to pass it. 

“Why don’t I believe you?” Alec asks, accepting his beer from Magnus with both hands again. 

“No it’s true I promise.”

Alec rolls his eyes, and grimaces at the taste of the beer. 

“Not a fan?.” Magnus chuckles. 

“It’s not bad.” Alec tries another sip and then sets his cup down in favor of his water cup. 

“Don’t lie. Alec didn’t like beer much when we first started dating either. Here, let’s try this. Alec liked it last time I had him try it.”

Magnus unscrews the cap off of the third green bottle on the table. He hands a shot glass to Alec. “Now, this is Soju. Same rules, hold that with both hands.” 

Alec holds the shot glass up with both hands for Magnus to pour him some of the soju. The liquid spills over Alec’s fingers a bit, and he licks them when he sets the glass down. It’s sweet. “Here.” Alec grabs the bottle from Magnus and starts to pour but Magnus stops him. 

“No, you have to use both hands.” His tone is teasing.

“You poured it with one hand.” Alec narrows his eyes. “You’re fucking with me.”

“No I’m not,” Magnus chuckles, “It’s disrespectful to accept or pour for your superior with only one hand, you have to use both.”

“Oh you’re my superior now?”

“Superior, elder, same thing.”

“Well you got me there, old man.” Alec teases, grabbing the green bottle with both hands. Magnus laughs, but holds the glass out for Alec to pour anyway. “And what happens if I don’t follow these made up rules of yours?”

“Well, some say it’s seven years of bad sex.” Magnus throws back the shot of soju, smirking at Alec and licking his lips afterwards, “but that’s just hearsay.” 

Alec’s face heats, and he has to glance away, laughing nervously. “Well, we wouldn’t want that.”

“No, we wouldn’t.”

Alec drinks his own cup of soju, and hums pleasantly afterwards around the sweet taste. “It’s good.”

Alec lets himself fall back into the comfortable feeling he always gets with Magnus. The way it’s easy with him, how he can sit here and laugh with Magnus about some tale of Catarina from the 1800’s and breathe easy. It’s so easy being with Magnus. 

It’s fake, it’s all a facade. Magnus is comfortable with him because he’s in  _ this _ Alec’s body. But he loves it anyway. The ring sits on his finger like a heavy weight, the metal like a brand on his skin, reminding him how fake all of this is. 

“Alexander, are you alright?” Magnus asks, popping another strip of steak into his mouth. 

“Here,” Alec slides the ring off his finger, handing it back over. Magnus grabs the ring, and Alec can see the weight of the situation fall back over him with the way his face falls. Magnus unclasps the chain around his neck and slides the ring back on. It falls in the divot of his sternum and Alec can see the inscription from here glinting in the overhead light. 

“When did you start wearing it?” Alec asks, trying to keep his voice neutral. 

“I couldn’t sleep last night.” Magnus says, rubbing the band between his fingers. “I missed him. I went to bed with it, but I didn’t sleep anyway.”

Alec remembers Magnus laying in  _ their _ bed last night on Alec’s side. He can picture him going into the bedroom for the ring, sitting down and then being unable to get back up. He remembers how quiet Magnus was in the dark, the tension between them uneasy. 

“I’m sorry.” Alec says quietly.

“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty.” Magnus shrugs, tucking the ring back into his shirt. 

“I know.” 

“Let’s get out of here. I still have to prep the spell.” 

Magnus walks out of the restaurant first, and Alec follows behind. He does feel guilty, Magnus doesn’t have anything to do with it. But it’s also...it all just feels unfair in a way. A petulant, childish way, but one that makes his chest hurt. He grabs Magnus’s hand out in the street, forcing him to stop and turn back to Alec.

Alec needs a moment to muster up the words, the confidence to say what’s been on his tongue sine Catarina’s place. But Magnus looks at him and Alec can see the way his expression is carefully guarded, and that  _ hurts more _ .

“Are we really that different?” 

Magnus seems surprised, opening his mouth to respond but no words come out. He looks down at Alec’s left hand around his own, and Alec knows that band of pale skin there, knows what weight it holds.

“Alec,” Magnus tries to deflect, but Alec stops him.

“Magnus, come on.”

Eventually, Magnus chuckles darkly, his voice sounding wet. He finally looks at Alec and there’s moisture in his eyes. “No. Actually. That’s part of the problem. I look at you and see my husband but now I know that you’re not the same man I married.”

Alec lets go of Magnus’s wrist, but Magnus catches his hand before he can pull back, holding it in both of his own. “Because you laugh just like him, and you like the same things, and I look at you and can’t help but love you still. But then I remember you’re  _ not _ him. And I remember  _ why _ you’re not him and I don’t know how to reconcile that with how easy it is to be with you.” 

“Magnus.” Alec sighs.

“The thing is, I’ve had a lot of fun today. And every time you and I have fun, it feels like I’ve betrayed him somehow.” Magnus sniffs, letting go of Alec’s hands to rub under his nose with his thumb. “We should go. I have to prep the spell still.”

* * *

**iii**

* * *

Alec stood in the middle of Magnus’s living room, surrounded by his siblings. And Clary. Isabelle was standing with Magnus, holding bowls for him and reading the spell over his shoulder. Jace was lounged on the couch like this was a normal occurrence. At least Clary sat on the arm of the couch and was paying attention to what Magnus was saying. 

“Alright, Shadowhunters, circle up.” Magnus announces, shuffling the Book of the White into his left hand. “Isabelle, dear, keep a hand on my shoulder please.”

“You got it.” Izzy balances a couple wooden bowls in one arm and settles the other on Magnus’s shoulder. 

Clary has stood up, but Jace is still lying on the couch, arm thrown over his eyes. Alec reaches out and kicks his shin where his leg is resting on the floor. 

“Ow!” Jace yells, sitting up and grabbing his shin. “What the hell, Alec!”

“We’re trying to get something done. Be useful and help Magnus.” Alec folds his arms over his chest to glower at Jace. 

“I was going!” He protests, standing up.

“No you weren’t.”

Clary grabs Jace by the arm before he can protest further, dragging him across the room towards Magnus. “Come on, babe.” 

Jace sets one hand on Magnus’s other shoulder, and Clary keeps her arm through Jace’s so Magnus can draw on all three of them if need be. 

Magnus and Alec both insisted they only needed Isabelle, but Jace and Clary showed up anyway.

“So, how does this work?” Jace asks, trying to peer over Magnus’s shoulder at the spell. 

“Don’t be nosy.” Magnus hip checks Jace, angling the book away from him. 

“Izzy got to read it, why can’t I?” 

“Because Isabelle doesn’t know Amharic.” Magnus and Jace share snide smiles, “besides I don’t need you correcting my pronunciation while I’m trying to help your brother.”

“I wouldn’t do that.” Jace says, putting all the innocence he can into his tone. Every head in the room looks at him, Alec raises his eyebrows. Even Clary has a dubious expression. “Oh fuck all of you.” 

“Okay.” Magnus hands the book off to Jace, and then grabs one of the bowls from the bar cart behind him. He walks over towards Alec in the middle of the living room. There’s no pentagram this time, but there are five candles lit in a circle around Alec, forming a barrier for the spell. Magnus said it would help concentrate it. 

Magnus dips his fingers into the bowl to coat them in the white paste and holds them up for Alec to see. “This compound is to ground the body while we push your...soul back home.”

Alec grimaces, but nods, allowing Magnus to sweep the mixture onto his body. A dot goes on the crown of his head over his hair, his forehead, throat, sternum, solar plexus, one below his naval and then Magnus walks around him to place some of the paste at the base of his spine.

Before he moves back, Magnus checks in with Alec.

“Okay. Are you ready?” Magnus checks the white paste along Alec’s bare chest.

Magnus looks at him, really  _ looks _ at him and Alec longs to reach out, to touch him, to cling to him and this modicum of happiness they have but he can’t. He can’t do that. “Yea.” Alec nods, unsure what else to say. 

“Why does that one go on his back?” Jace asks, squinting at the spell in the book. 

“Well, it’s the chakra points.” Magnus sets the bowl on the floor and wipes his hands off on a rag from the drink cart. “Technically that last one should probably go on his perineum but I don’t think any of us want to get into that right now.”

Isabelle lets out a bark of a laugh, grabbing onto Magnus’s shoulder again as she throws her head back. Jace chuckles, but he’s mostly grimacing with Clary. Alec closes his eyes, as if he could  _ will _ the blood not to rush to his cheeks. 

“Gross, dude.” Jace says

“Well, If the spell works, maybe  _ I’ll _ be getting into that later tonight.” Magnus grins, leaning towards Jace to make him squirm even more. 

“Alright, Alec are you ready?” Clary interjects. 

Alec should say something. Some kind of goodbye for Magnus, something for his sister or Jace. He should thank Magnus for today, for every day he’s been here, for all of the work he’s done. Apologize for hurting him, explain that  _ he’s _ not why Alec chose to marry Lydia, just implore him to understand. He should give Magnus the charm in his pocket that Eunsoo gave him at the market.

But he does none of that. 

Instead, Alec nods.

Magnus nods back. 

Magnus grabs a handful of the powder in Izzy’s hand and tosses it over the candles around Alec snapping his fingers to conjure his magic. The candles flare, and it feels like they form a physical barrier, like there’s a wall of magic between Alec and the rest of the apartment. His heartbeat quickens, and he tries to push down every instinct that tells him to  _ run _ that tells him he’s  _ trapped _ .

He takes a deep breath and meets Magnus’s eyes through the barrier. 

Trust Magnus. 

Say goodbye to Magnus. 

As soon as Magnus begins reciting the words of the spell in that foreign language, Alec can feel the white paste on his body begin to heat up. It doesn’t burn, but he can feel each of them tingling, like they permeate his skin and cling to his spine. 

Slowly, Alec feels something tugging on him. There’s nothing else in the circle with him, but he feels it. Like magic has grabbed a hold of his stomach and is trying to rip him out of his body. Alec tries to relax, but the longer it goes, the more painful it becomes. There’s a shout from outside the circle, but it’s like listening through water, like his body is not his own and he’s miles away from his ears.

The magic pulls harder and Alec cannot help the shout that escapes his mouth. He clutches at his chest, digs his fingers into his own skin. It  _ hurts _ .  _ Oh god it hurts.  _

_ The rune burns as the adamus drags over his skin. It’s not right, not like the controlled pain that usually comes with drawing runes, that comes with white scars or black ink. No, it’s wrong. It feels inherently wrong.  _

_ “Alec?” _

“Alexander?”

His wrist burns and his head throbs in time with his heartbeat. 

It’s an...

_...unbearable... _

_... pain.  _

_ Alec claws at his wrist, tries to get the burn off, tries to get rid of it  _ to make it stop. _ But it keeps burning. Lydia’s hands on him feel like a branding he cannot shake. He wretches out of her grip.  _

The magic pulls harder at his core and Alec screams, falling to his knees. He claws at his stomach, as if he could just reach inside and tug back then it would be alright. The magic is trying to grab him, to force him from his body but something else is keeping him tethered here. An alternate force winds up from the earth, through his knees, pulling back with equal fervor and Alec is going to get torn apart in the process. 

_ His body is rejecting the rune. He’s heard of it happening before, usually with parabatai runes when the participants are so dramatically different that their bodies reject the bond, no matter how much training they’ve had or how many classes they’ve taken. The inherent nature of binding two souls together is tricky, and sometimes it just doesn’t take. Sometimes love isn’t enough. And they don’t even have love in this case. Alec’s never heard it described like this. Like his entire being is being doused in heavenly fire and it’s consuming him from the inside out. _

The magic pulls  _ harder _ somehow, and Alec can hear himself sobbing but he can’t feel it. 

_ “Alec!” _

“Alexander!” 

His voice. Alec hears  _ his _ voice, and  _ his _ Magnus’s voice, compounding and refracting, layering on top of one another until the sound is a cacophony of noise. Alec clings to it, to the only thing he can grasp that isn’t  _ pain _ . 

Magnus

_ Magnus _

Always Magnus

He clings to Magnus, the only lifeline out on an open sea, the only other soul alive around him. The only other one that ever seems to  _ see _ Alec. To see through him so much it pisses him off, to see the ugly and the pretty, to resonate with a part of Alec that has sat neglected and ignored in the darkest corners of his mind. 

He thinks of smiling around a glass of soju, squinting to read a wine label. He thinks of burgers and warm mouths and golden eyes. Cat fur and toothbrushes and pajamas with dinosaurs and butterfly clips. He thinks of the  _ comfort _ he’s only ever felt with Magnus. The light and love that exists in this room.

He thinks about that ring around Magnus’s neck and he wants it so bad he could sob. He doesn’t want to leave that. He can’t let go of this possibility, of this world where he seems to have everything he wants. 

_ He doesn’t want to go. _

The pain doubles up and Alec writhes on the ground. His screams sound hoarse, but he can’t feel his throat. 

And like letting an arrow fly, like the bowstring snapping back into position, Alec’s body falls limp against the ground. The two tugging forces let go, and he’s left adrift between them. His body shakes, his fingers tremble, nails scrape on the floor. And Alec tries to breath again now that he can feel his lungs. 

There are fingers in his hair, but Alec’s skin burns. Someone turns him over onto his back, too many hands are on his body but then--

“Alexander!? Alec talk to me!”

“Magnus,” Alec says. Or tries to say. His tongue feels heavy and foreign, but there’s the cold press of rings to his face and Alec whimpers, seeking out the pressure of that hand further. 

“I’ve got you, darling. I’ve got you.”

It’s Magnus. It’s always Magnus. 

Alec clings to Magnus and lets the rest of him drift. 

* * *

**iv**

* * *

Alec’s surrounded by darkness. He can see the towering spires reaching high above him, and the stained glass facades of St. Vitus Cathedral stream colored sunlight down on Alec. There’s a body silhouetted by the reds and blues, and every cell in Alec’s body draws him towards that body. His heartbeat quickens the closer he gets, but he cannot make out any other features. He can’t catch his breath.

The figure turns towards him, and something curls down Alec’s spine under the weight of their gaze. He’s gasping for air. Alec falls to his knees, but cannot tear his gaze from the figure. They’re not moving. 

Alec feels naked before them. Alec just  _ knows _ that they know Alec. They know every thought he’s ever had, every fleeting intrusive idea this person is privy to. They know the shameful years of looking at Jace’s lips, they know why he beats his knuckles against the heavy bag until they bleed, they know why Alec runs until the pain consumes his body. They know the terror when he realized he liked boys the way Jace liked girls. They know every guilty glance at muscle and chests and  _ arms _ . 

They know every time Alec has touched himself through the shame, every time the guilt became too much and he’d be bent over his toilet puking before having to speak with his mother. 

They know every fault.

Alec doesn’t need to see their face to feel their disappointment. 

Alec’s carried the weight of disappointment on his shoulders for his entire life. He bore the burden of his mistakes, and those of his siblings because ‘ _ In the chain of command you’re responsible for the mistakes of those under your command, Alexander’ _ . Alec listened to every lecture, every chastisement, bore every punishment and suffered consequences because it was what  _ a good big brother did _ . 

But he bore it all for _them_. For Isabelle, with her vibrancy and that spark inside of her that withered under punishment and rules, but shone bright and brilliant when her tethers were cut. For Jace, who cried in his bed at night, but charmed everyone around him with laughter and white teeth during the day and glowed like brilliant gold when he got to play the piano, or spar, or talk to their father about greek tragedies. He did it for Max. Max, with his mundane cartoons and his nosy nature that’s going to get him killed one of these days if Alec doesn’t _help_ him. Max, who he feels guilty for because _if he did his job the way he was supposed to would Max even be born?_ _Was Max born to shoulder the burden when Alec inevitably faltered?_

He did it for all of them. So they could shine unencumbered. Like Atlas, doomed to an eternity of holding up the heavens, Alec stayed grounded and bore the weight of their family so that they could shine under sunlight. But it was a weight he would gladly take on. He would do anything for his siblings, for his family. 

But for some reason, the weight of this being’s disappointment feels too heavy for his shoulders. 

“I’m sorry.” Just breathing his words in their presence feels blasphemous. 

Alec stuffed down every mistake, every flaw deep enough that he could even ignore it himself if he wasn’t looking too closely. He smothered his biggest flaw in duty and  _ honor _ and  _ purpose _ until Magnus came along and blew it all away. He grabbed Magnus’s hand around that summoning circle and felt the very foundation of his being shake. Everything he felt he had tightly contained, every piece or order was misplaced after that. 

Magnus looked at him and actually  _ saw _ Alec. Magnus wasn’t distracted by Izzy and Jace like everyone usually was, he wasn’t enamoured with Clary. No, he looked at Alec and saw through every shade he hid behind. 

Magnus knew a part of Alec that he still does not fully understand himself.

Magnus beckoned Alec from the shadows. 

And he didn’t have the strength to follow for fear the world would collapse if he wasn’t there to support it. That his family would crumble if he didn’t keep them upright. What does Alec’s happiness really mean when contrasted with the happiness of his whole family? 

_ The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. _

“Alexander”

“Alec.”

Alec looks right and then left. Magnus and Lydia stand at two ends of the transept, both cast in sunlight.

To his left, Alec sees Lydia, smiling and kind, hair braided down her head, looking radiant in her wedding gown. He can see the fresh wedding rune, pink irritated skin around the black ink on her wrist. His necklace lays at the base of her throat, catching the sunlight. 

To his right, Magnus stands in that white shirt and pink pants from earlier today, Alec’s gold wedding ring resting at the base of his sternum and glowing under the direct sun. His skin glows golden in the light, and as it catches his eyes, Alec can see the yellow there beneath the warm brown. 

Alec can’t look away from Magnus. He rises to his feet, as if to follow that magnetic pull towards Magnus. But instead he’s turned directly around to face the back of the cathedral. 

Standing under the stained glass window at the other end of the Nave of the Cathedral is himself. Not himself, but it’s the other Alec. The other Alec, with broad shoulders and a thick chest. The Alec he’s avoided in the mirror for the past few days. This Alec, with a ring shining gold on his left hand and his chin held high. 

Somehow, he’s the hardest person to look at of the three. Alec wants to turn away, but he can’t, he’s held in place by the being behind him, and Alec feels their gaze on his back like a brand. 

The longer Alec looks at the other Alec, the more he resents him. He resents that Alec and his fucking cats, and his wedding ring and the lack of a rune on his wrist. He resents that  _ that _ Alec gets everything. He gets his family, and his friends and his  _ love _ and he paid no price for it. He didn’t have to suffer any of the consequences Alec would suffer. He resents that he had to give up his place in  _ that _ Alec’s life and go back to his own. 

He resents that he wants to go towards Magnus, but at the end of the day, at the end of all of this, he’s going home with Lydia and the other Alec gets to go back to that picturesque life. The other Alec gets it all. 

His own life feels like a consolation prize in comparison. 

“I hate you.” the words are in the air, and Alec didn’t speak them but he means them. 

He hates that  _ he _ gets Magnus and all Alec will be left with are the breadcrumbs of a happy future he’s no longer privy to. 

The being behind him feels more intent, and there’s a noise in the area, raising in pitch until he has to cover his ears. The light is cut off to his side, and Alec looks over to see Magnus gone. There’s nothing in his place but darkness.

“No!” 

The light on Lydia shuts off as well, and she dissipates into the void along with Magnus. Alec turns to the being behind him. 

“Stop, bring them back.” The light behind the being shines impossibly brighter, so bright that Alec has to turn away from it, for fear it will burn. 

The Alec at the end of the Nave is no longer the  _ other _ Alec, but himself. Impossibly younger. With baby fat still clinging to his cheeks and limbs he hasn’t quite grown into yet, the other Alec stands under the light of heaven with a blood soaked shirt and tears in his eyes. Alec watches as the younger version of him begins to choke, fingers scraping desperately at his neck, blood gurgling out of his mouth as he chokes for air.

“Stop!” Alec stumbles forwards towards the younger him, but something behind him calls his attention. The other Alec is there, Magnus’s Alec. But something’s wrong. There are cracks in his face. They’re faint at first, but the longer he looks, the deeper the cracks get, the more the surface around them fractures and crumbles. 

No

The other Alec clings to his chest, fisting the material of his shirt in his-too large hands, but unable to stop the fissures that travel through him. 

“No stop, please please stop.” Alec lunges for that Alec but his feet trip and he’s thrown to his knees once again. When he looks up, both Alec’s are gone. The being is gone. All that’s left is the dull gold of  _ his _ wedding ring.    


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> 1"It's safe. He is with me." [return to text]
> 
> 2"The Nephilim is not welcome here." [ return to text ]
> 
> 3"We're married. This is my husband."[return to text]
> 
> 4"He's your responsibility."[return to text]
> 
> 5"Okay/I understand." (informal)[return to text]
> 
> \--
> 
> My knowledge of other cultures and languages comes entirely from media, internet sources, and google translate. I do apologize if I butchered either French or Korean culture, I have the best of intentions. Let me know if I've made any egregious errors. <3
> 
> Last chapter and this one have the two largest plot beats in them that I was really excited to write going into this story. SO we do end up a bit angsty again, but them spending the day together was a lot of fluff for me to write lol. 
> 
> I think I'll post the final two chapters at the same time, and if schedule allows I plan to put them up in two days on Tuesday. In the next chapter, it's finally time for the boys to have a talk.
> 
> As Always you can reach me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Koryandr_) or [Tumblr](https://koryandr.tumblr.com/) Feel free to @ me, I'd love to hear from you. :) Also, feel free to reach out if you have any questions/concerns.


	4. Day Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long friends, I had a bit of a mental health thing this week. I'm hoping to get chapter 5 (last one) out on Monday.
> 
> Time for our boys to talk!
> 
> See End Notes for TW

* * *

**i**

* * *

Alec comes to in shades of discomfort. At least this time around, he’s expecting to wake up on Magnus’s silk sheets. They’ve been changed out from canary yellow to a deep blue. Alec can feel sweat clinging to his skin. The layer of sweat between his scalp and his hair is uncomfortable. He groans, shifting in bed and instantly regretting it for the way his entire body  _ aches _ . Not the sweet ache of overexertion, but the lingering ache after the bulk of pain has passed, where every movement still hurts. 

It’s still dark outside, and the only light in the room is the ambient city light spilling in through the curtains. He feels a press of heat against his side, and looks down to see Church lying with his spine pressed up against Alec’s abdomen, his feet curled in front of him. His heat is uncomfortable on Alec’s skin.

Alec struggles to sit up, pressing a hand over his abdominal muscles that groan in protest. His spine cracks so loud when he stretches up that it wakes up the cat and catches Alec’s breath in his chest. Alec’s naked down to the briefs he put on this morning. He has to bend down into the closet drawers to grab a t-shirt, and every part of his body doesn’t like it. Struggling back into his pants from earlier is no easier.

Magnus isn’t in the bedroom, or the living room, or his work room. Alec stands at the base of the spiral stairs to head up to the roof when he sees movement out of the corner of his eye. Magnus is out on the balcony, curled up in a lounge chair with a glass of wine and Chair. It’s light enough outside, that Alec’s pretty sure they’re closer to dawn than midnight.

“Hey.” He says, surprised at the rasp of his voice. He shouldn’t be so surprised, not really. But Magnus startles in his seat. He sits forward, dropping Chair from his chest down into his lap with an undignified yelp from the cat. He flicks his tail at Magnus in protest. 

“Alexander. How are you feeling?”

Alec hobbles out onto the balcony, taking a seat in one of the armchairs. “Like I got hit by a truck, but otherwise fine.” 

“Okay.” Magnus relaxes back in his chair, taking a long drink of the red wine. “That’s good.” 

“What happened?” Alec asks, rubbing at his head with one hand. 

“I should ask you that question.” Magnus’s smile into his glass is bitter, but he shakes his head. “We don’t need to talk about that right now. You should go back to sleep.” 

“Magnus?” 

“Alec I don’t want to talk about it right now. Please, the spell was hard on your body. You should go lay back down.” Magnus isn’t looking at Alec anymore, and if Alec has learned anything about him over the past few days, that seems to be one of his tells that something is wrong. 

“I’m not tired.” He lies. 

“And I’m not getting into this tonight.” Magnus sets his glass down on the ground and Chair jumps off to pad back into the apartment. “If you’re not going to bed, then I will.”

“Magnus.” Alec grabs his elbow before he can pass and head back into the apartment. He withdraws shortly after, wary of the way Magnus glares at his hand. Irritation sweeps over him fast. “I can’t read your mind. If you’re upset about something just say it.”

“Don’t do that.” Magnus looks at him now, staring down at him with fierce eyes. “You don’t get to do that right now.”

“Do what?”

“Act like I’m being  _ overdramatic _ .”

“Well…”

“Alexander.” Magnus hisses.

“Well I wake up in the middle of the night after whatever the hell that was earlier and now you’re pissed at me again and I don’t understand why and you won’t  _ tell me. _ ” 

Magnus is silent for too long. When Alec is able to stamp out enough of his irritation to look at him, what he sees gives him pause. Magnus’s eyes are wet, and he’s breathing heavily. But magic sparks along his fingers and burnt sugar begins to permeate the air around him.

“You ‘woke up’ after being unconscious for eight hours because the spell didn’t work. You were screaming, and crying on the floor until I was able to stop it.” 

Shame bubbles up in his chest at the mention of his weakness, his cries of pain. “So the spell was wrong, why are you mad at me?”

“I am not  _ mad at you _ . I am upset, because I have sat here for eight hours, going over every  _ possible _ reason the spell went wrong.” Magnus begins, and his voice is so heavy with emotion it’s beginning to crack, “I have gone over every ingredient, every incantation, every phrase and pronunciation. Nothing was wrong with the spell.  _ Nothing _ .”

“So then what happened?”

Magnus looks off to the skyline around them, lips pursed as he takes calming breaths. “Why don’t you tell me.” 

“What do you mean? I don’t know anything about this spell I don’t--”

“Alexander.” Magnus sighs and crouches down in front of Alec, taking hold of his hands. Magnus looks at his eyes and Alec can’t stand the moisture he sees on Magnus’s face. “You don’t belong here.” 

“What are you talking about?” Alec pulls his hands back. “I know that. That’s why we did the spell.”

“God, Alec, don’t make me spell this out for you.” Magnus rubs a hand over his face. He seems exhausted, but something begins bubbling beneath Alec’s skin, something like panic that quickens his breath.

“Spell what out?!” He shouts, scooting away from Magnus so he can stand up, “Don’t be cryptic, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Magnus remains crouched, and that anger that was there once has faded and now he just seems tired and sad. “I wanted a second opinion, so I asked Catarina to look at it with me. She agreed nothing was wrong.” He sighs, “She thinks that  _ you’re _ the reason the spell didn’t work.”

“I did everything you told me to do I--”

“She thinks it’s because you didn’t  _ want _ to go back.” Magnus isn’t looking at him, instead he’s thumbing the metal ring around his neck.  _ Alec _ ’s ring. “I think I agree with her.” 

“That’s ridiculous.” Alec scoffs, his hands start shaking from that adrenaline rushing under his skin. 

“It’s okay, Alec.” Magnus says, but his patient tone sounds condescending to Alec and that adds to his agitation. “It’s okay to be scared--”

“I’m not scared!” Alec shouts, “You said it yourself. I’m not  _ him, don't _ act like you know me.”

“Sometimes I think I know you better than you know yourself.” Magnus laughs humorlessly and stands up. 

“You don’t. I’ve only known you for a couple weeks.”

“Well I’ve known you for over a year. You’re just like my Alec. I remember what you were like at this point in time, I  _ know _ you. I know you’re panicking right now, I know you feel cornered and defensive, but you wanted to do this, so we  _ have _ to talk about it Alec.”

“Fine.” Alec pushes past Magnus to walk back into the apartment. “You want to talk? Let’s talk. I’m sorry I’m not him, I can’t change that. I didn’t ask to come here, I didn't ask for any of this...this  _ fantasy _ .”

“Fantasy?”

“It can’t be real, Magnus.  _ You _ can’t be real. It’s not how the world works. We don’t get everything we want.”

“Alec,” Magnus steps towards him but Alec pulls back. “Alec this is real. This is a life you could have.”

“No, Magnus. This is a  _ fantasy _ .” Alec has to stop and run his hands over his face, to catch his breath, but it doesn’t work. His blood just seems to rush faster, his heart beat louder. “I don’t get to have my family, my career,  _ and _ you. I don’t get the loving husband, this apartment, the damn cats. It doesn’t make sense, there are sacrifices that we have to make for what we want in life.”

“Alec, I  _ promise _ you this life can be real. It wasn't easy for us, and sometimes it was an uphill battle, but since when have you ever given up on something because someone told you you couldn’t do it? What happened to ‘break noses and suffer the consequences’?”

“That’s not the same thing, Magnus!” Alec shouts. “Do you think I haven’t run every scenario through my head? I’ve weighed every option, I’ve made the lists. This life has to be a fantasy because  _ it’s not possible. _ If it were, do you think I would have married her!?”

Magnus’s shakes his head, crossing his arms over his chest and looking away, as if he can’t stand the sight of Alec. He gets it, he can’t stand himself lately either. “Alexander, you shouldn’t  _ marry _ someone because it’s the most convenient option. It’s selfish.”

“You don’t get it.” Alec sighs, “Back in my world you told me I had a choice to make. But I...I’m not  _ your _ Alec. I couldn’t choose you over my life, my entire family.  _ That’s  _ selfish.”

“I wasn’t asking you to choose me!” Magnus whirls on him, and Alec can see the magic sparking at his fingers as the fire returns to his eyes, “I was asking you, for once in your goddamn life, to choose  _ yourself _ . To choose your own happiness instead of sacrificing it for other people.”

“Izzy and Jace and Max are  _ my _ responsibility. My parents blew it, I  _ had _ to do this.”

“No you didn’t!” Magnus shouts. “Alec didn’t choose  _ me _ at the wedding. It was never about me, or Lydia. And It’s not about your siblings either. It was about  _ you _ . It was about finally making a choice that would make  _ you _ happy. Not something that would look good for your family, or bring  _ honor _ to your name. It was about what would make you  _ happy. _ ”

“My family will make me happy. I...Lydia and I...it’s a choice we’re both happy with.”

“No, Alec. You’re not. And you won’t be.” Magnus begins stalking towards Alec, and he backs up until he hits the bookcase behind him. “You can go home, stay married to that girl, pretend like you look at her and feel  _ anything. _ You can live a life with her, force yourself to kiss her, to  _ fuck _ her--”

“Stop it.”

“--to pop out a couple of kids and pretend like it’s what you want in your life. But let me tell you this. You’re going to end up just like your parents were. Miserable, and angry, and eventually hating yourself isn’t going to be enough and you’ll  _ hate _ Lydia for it, and then your kids. And at the end of the day you’ll only have yourself to blame.”

“ _ Enough! _ ” Alec shoves Magnus at the shoulders enough to put a foot of space between them. They’re both breathing heavily, and Alec can feel the electric charge of Magnus’s magic in the air between them. It sends shivers down his spine, raises the hair on the back of his neck. His heart beats frantically, and he can hear the rush of blood in his ears. His hands itch with the need to  _ act. _

“At some point, Alec. You have to realize that all of those things you want? Your family, your career, even this ‘ _ fantasy’ _ life I have here. None of it matters if you’re not really living.”

“That’s easy for you to say.” Alec laughs, “You  _ have _ everything you want. You’ve had fame, and power, and as many men or women that would throw themselves at you. You have a doting husband, and dates to Prague, and a family that cares about you. I’m the one that has to sacrifice everything for the  _ chance _ at this life.”

“Don’t!” Magnus hisses through his teeth. The lights in the apartment flicker momentarily. “Do not stand here and tell me that I haven’t sacrificed anything for what I have. It’s  _ selfish  _ to think that just because our sacrifices are different, means that mine mean any less.”

“Then tell me! Because last time we stood here and had this argument, I asked and you had no answer for me. What did  _ you _ risk?”

“I risked  _ everything! _ ” The lights flicker and surge. Magnus shakes his hands out, as if to dispel the excess magic falling from his hands. “Do you know what warlocks call it when you begin to get lost in time? When you’ve lived so long you forget how to be alive? We like to call it  _ calcification _ . We stop being able to feel things, whether it’s excitement, or surprise. We just stop caring.

“I was hurt...so badly before I found you. I...I closed myself off. I felt myself calcifying like that and I didn’t want to stop it, because not feeling was better than all of the pain. For almost a century I closed myself off to sadness and grief, but I also shut out love, and light, and joy and then you came into my life and made me feel alive again. And nothing terrified me more.”

Magnus deflates as he speaks, the tension in his shoulders relaxes, the magic at his fingertips settles and his voice evens out. But that fire in his eyes remains, even as his eyes moisten at the corners. 

“Choosing to open myself up to you, to all of the possible pain you could bring me, all of the hurt that would inevitably be down the road. That’s the choice I had to make. Just because I wasn’t putting my career on the line, just because I didn’t have family to risk, doesn’t mean that what I risked was any less important than what you did.”

Magnus chuckles humorlessly as tears fall from his eyes. “I gave you the power to hurt me, Alec. And I’ve been burned. I’ve been...I’ve been used so many times. It was one of the hardest choices I’ve had to make. But I did it for me. Because I wanted to live again.”

Magnus takes a step towards Alec and grabs Alec’s hands. Alec doesn’t pull away. 

“Trust me when I tell you this. I’ve lost my magic, my career, my  _ home _ . I’ve lost everything since we got together.  _ Everything _ . But at the end of the day, beyond the pain of losing all of that, none of it mattered when I knew I had your love. It wasn’t easy. It was ugly and it hurt like hell. But all of those other things? All of it is worthless without love. Loving you taught me that.” 

He can barely breathe around the swelling of emotion in his throat, beyond the burn of his eyes. It’s too much. It’s all too much. He clings to Magnus’s hands, unable to look away, unable to act. What do you say to that? What words hold any weight when Magnus’s heart is laid out bare before him. 

His breathing stutters in his chest and his hands start to shake. He turns Magnus’s hand over so he can see the wedding band there. He brushes his thumb over the metal, warmed by his skin. He wants it. He wants this life so badly. He wants to risk everything for Magnus but...but this is more than him. It’s more than his family.

It’s Idris. It’s sneers in the hallways and being passed up for positions because of who he sleeps with. It’s his family being disgraced and dishonored. It’s the possibility of being  _ deruned _ . It’s so many things. It’s too much.

Alec can’t breathe. 

“I have to go.”

“What?” Magnus’s voice is wet with tears, but Alec ignores it. He walks towards the front of the apartment in search of his shoes. “Alec where are you going? It’s four in the morning.”

“I...I have to go. I can’t.” Alec shakes his head and struggles to slide his sneakers on. 

“Alec, please.” Magnus catches his elbow, jerking him to a stop with a strong grip. There are tear tracks on his face, and a pinch between his brow that makes Alec want to puke.  _ He put those tears there, he did that. _ Magnus cups Alec’s face with both of his hands, and rises up to press their foreheads together. “Don’t go. Just stay, we’ll figure this out. We can talk in the morning, just don’t  _ go. _ ”

Alec’s heart is beating too loud and his skin itches and he can feel Magnus in the air around him like a minefield and he has to do  _ something. _

Suddenly his mouth is on Magnus’s, his hands tight around the other man’s waist. Magnus freezes for a moment, but Alec doesn’t stop, because he doesn’t know how to shut off his body, or his brain. He has to do  _ something. And he wants this.  _

He’s half expecting Magnus to push him away, but after a moment of Alec’s lips against his own, he responds. Magnus’s hands tighten on Alec’s face, one folding back to fist into his hair. He groans into his mouth, the sharp low-level pain abates some of the itch under his skin. Magnus’s back hits the wall and Alec pushes forward, slotting their mouths together, moaning when Magnus’s tongue brushes against his. 

Magnus groans into his mouth, pulling himself closer to Alec with an arm around his neck. Alec uses his grip on his waist to push him further into the wall and up so Magnus rests more easily on his shoulders, balanced on the knee Alec shoves between his thighs. 

Alec doesn’t have words, he doesn’t know what to do or what to say. He doesn’t  _ understand _ . But this he can do. Because this is easier than the emotion. He wants Magnus, that’s never been up for debate. Magnus turns his mouth up to take a heaving breath and utters Alec’s name, his full name. It sends a shiver down his spine and Alec dives in to mouth at Magnus’s adam's apple. 

Then he feels it, the press of metal between their chests. It’s hard and uncomfortable, and Alec huffs in frustration, licking into Magnus’s mouth again. The closer Magnus presses, the harder it is to ignore the obstruction. But eventually, the bite of the metal cuts through the haze and heavy beat of his heart. Then he realizes what it is.

It’s his wedding ring.

_ This  _ Alec’s wedding ring. A ring that Alec will never wear again. 

And as fast as it started, the hot rush of desire bleeds out of Alec, leaving him cold and shaken in its wake. 

“Alexander?” Magnus questions with a rough voice, scratching his nails through the small hairs along the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry.” Alec pulls away, dropping Magnus back to his feet unceremoniously. 

“Alec.”

“I have to go, I’m so sorry.” 

“Alec, stop!” He closes the door on Magnus’s voice. Alec runs through the halls and down the steps, keeping his head down until the crisp air of the city welcomes him, shocking his system. He stands under the waning moon, with a thin t-shirt, sweaty khakis, shoes with no socks and nothing else. No phone, no stele, no wallet. Nothing. 

It doesn’t matter. None of it is his anyway.

His body hurts. 

His heart hurts. 

He just wants to go home.

He wants to go back to before this world was set before him, the ultimate temptation he could never obtain. Before he knew the taste of Magnus’s mouth, or the light of his happiness, the gold of his eyes. He wants to go back to when Magnus was just a missed opportunity, and not a future he threw away. To when he could just be okay wishing, and not wanting. 

Because he wants him.

He wants him.

He wants him.

But  _ want _ falters under the illusion of choice. 

Because he can’t have him. He never could.

* * *

**ii**

* * *

The sun is peeking over the horizon when Alec finds himself back at the Institute. He’s not surprised to see Izzy sitting out on the front steps, nursing a mug of steaming liquid in the cool of dawn. A patrol group is getting back just as Alec is, a bunch of young kids he doesn’t know the names or faces of, but they bow their heads at him in difference as they pass. He glares at one of the younger guys who gives him the side eye. 

Izzy doesn’t say anything at first, but she does pass Alec a mug of something too transparent to be coffee and curls into his side, one step above him to make up the difference for her lack of heels. 

“Are you okay?” she asks, hooking her chin on his chest to look up at him. Even looking at Izzy hurts. She’s so calm here, so happy. He would never have seen her walking around in the public areas in anything less than skin-tight and revealing some strip of skin, and never without her heels. She wouldn’t leave her room without putting on her eyeliner and mascara. Her own little facade. Like Jace’s charm and biting words, and Alec’s...everything. 

He’s...he’s so fucking tired. Too tired for words so he nods. Closing his eyes, he sends a prayer to the Angels that his own Izzy gets to be happy like this one day. That the choices he’s made enable her to be free and open and _ happy _ .

She walks him back to his room. His room that has dust in the air and wilting and neglected plants near the window. With only the basics in the wardrobe and enough toiletries to get him by. Because  _ this _ Alec doesn’t fit this mold anymore.  _ This _ Alec has a warm home and a loving husband, and he’s left this space behind. But these are four walls and cold stone floors that Alec will never outgrow. 

“I’m fine, Iz. You don’t have to stay.” Alec sets his tea down on the nightstand, noting the thin layer of dust on the surface. 

“I’m worried about you.”

“Well don’t be.” Alec bites back without thinking. He sits down on the side of his bed and tries to remind himself to just breathe. To calm down. He’s too tired to be angry anymore, but right now it hurts too much to see  _ this _ Izzy and to remind himself he should be happy at what he’s giving up for her. 

“Alec--”

“Did Magnus call you or something? Is that why you’re doing this? I don’t need a babysitter.”

“Alec.” Her tone is sharp, cutting through his harsh words. “Magnus did text me, but I’m doing this because you’re my brother and I love you.” Izzy pads across the room, small feet quiet on the floor, and sits down facing him on the bed, folding one leg under her. “Talk to me, hermano _. _ ”

“¿No has escuchado?” Alec clasps his hands together and hands his head. His stomach muscles groan in protest. “No soy tu hermano.”[1]

“Siempre serás mi hermano.” Izzy scoots forward to lean against his shoulder. “No me importa lo que diga Magnus.”[2]

“Aunque tiene razón. No pertenezco aquí.”[3]

“Alec.”

“Iz.” Alec sighs, but the conversation is cut short by Izzy’s phone buzzing. She pulls away to look at it and then sighs. 

“Something happened with one of the morning patrols. But it can wait.” She dismisses it.

“Izzy go.”

“No. You’re more important, someone else can--”

“Please.” He sets his hand on top of hers where it rests on his forearm. She stares at him hard for a long minute before huffing in frustration.

“Fine, but promise me you’ll try and get some sleep.” He nods in affirmation (he will  _ try _ ) and she stands up to go, but stops to press a kiss to the crown of his head. “Te quiero.”

“Te quiero.”

Once she leaves, Alec slips his shoes off, grimacing at the uncomfortable heat of his bare feet against the worn soles. He tries to lay down, he genuinely does. He turns the lights off, and lays on his stomach, willing the exhaustion to take over. But the silence in the room is deafening, and slowly, his mind begins racing again. 

He shouldn’t have kissed Magnus. He shouldn’t have yelled. He shouldn’t have  _ left _ .

But he couldn’t stay there any more. He couldn’t stand there and pretend like he doesn’t want this when it’s all he’s ever wanted. He can’t pretend like everything is okay, and he’s ready to go back to his time when every fibre of his being calls out for this world. 

Once again, he took the coward’s way out. 

His stomach knots and his mind races and he can’t forget the look on Magnus’s face before he left. The slack-jawed, half-lidded eyes burning with gold where Alec pressed him against the wall. The way his pupils were blown wide and how he  _ cried _ for Alec to stop, for him not to go. 

He flips over twice, and practically begs sleep to take him for what feels like  _ hours _ before he gives up. He can’t sit still any longer. He finds the heavy bag in the training room and greets it like an old friend, hastily wrapping his hands before laying into it. 

_ This _ is familiar. This is constant. The ache in his knuckles has always been there. Ever since he was old enough to know his gaze lingered on Jace the way it should have lingered on Aline. Ever since he became aware his parents’ disappointment and expectations sat on his shoulders like anchors. Ever since the burning fire of shame consumed him, night after night for how he couldn’t stop looking at Jace’s blue blue eyes and the way that strand of hair fell over his forehead  _ just right _ .

Pain is his oldest friend and his longest lover. The pain is easy. It’s comforting. He knows the way sharp bone spurs shoot up the nerves in his arm intimately. He knows how the skin of his knuckles splits and bleeds against the white gauze, the pain in his joints. It’s all achingly familiar. 

The rest of the world falls away and his thoughts dissipate until all he knows is the heavy bag and his racing beating heart.

He doesn’t notice the shock of red hair in his periphery until he feels the resistance coming from the other side of the bag. Alec pulls himself out of his head, stopping the bag with one hand on top and leaning around to look at her. 

Her hair is pulled up on top of her head and she’s actually wearing workout gear, a far cry from the last time he trained with her and she had street clothes on. The day she ran off on him, when she drove the final wedge between him and Jace. She seems different here though, softer around the edges somehow, smoothed out like Jace. 

“What is it, Fray?” 

“You’ve been terrifying all the new kids in here with that big black stormcloud of yours. Figured I’d see if you were okay.” She shrugs.

Alec rolls his eyes at her, and turns around to grab his water bottle from the nearby bench. He spies the other kids, half of whom are staring at him like they’re facing down their first demon, and they scramble to look away from him as he turns glowering eyes in their direction. 

“I’m fine, so you can go now.” Alec rolls his fingers, wincing as the movement of his torn flesh. 

“I could, or you could spar with me instead of taking it out on this poor punching bag here.” Clary cocks her head to the side and tosses a bo staff at him. 

Alec weighs the staff in his hand and looks at her. Alec remembers her being abysmal at this last time they spared, maybe kicking her ass will make him feel better. 

“Fine.”

They move over to the open floor and a couple new kids move off to the side to make more room for them. Alec gets the first point easily, she makes a high lunge and he ducks easily under, hooking his ankle behind her knee and shoving at her shoulder to send her to her landing hard on her back. 

“Fuck.” Clary groans, rolling her shoulders around with a wince. She holds her hand out for Alec to help her up, and he contemplates knocking her hand away, but knows Jace would pout if he was mean to his sister/not-sister/girlfriend. 

“You left your flank open.” He taps her side with the end of his staff. 

“I know, I know.” She shakes her head, “I was just testing you.”

“Sure.”

The second round lasts a little longer, Clary plays defense this time, forcing Alec to make the first move. She fights differently than he remembers, but there’s still an uncertainty about her. How she’ll hesitate before landing blows, pause to pull her punches and hits. She parries well though and her reflexes have gotten much faster. 

In the second round, he manages to grab the staff between her hands and use it to pull her forward, landing a knee to her gut and using her grip on the staff to flip her over onto her back again. He presses his foot to her shoulder to keep her there. 

“You almost fight like a real Shadowhunter now.” He smirks down at her, “stop letting Jace train you, you’re picking up his weak points.” 

Clary coughs and shoves Alec’s foot aside to crawl back to her feet. “You’re fighting like an asshole today.” She groans, rubbing her stomach muscles. 

“Maybe  _ your _ Alec just goes too easy on you.” He spins the staff over the back of his hand a few times, twirling it between his fingers. 

“Ditch the staff, let’s go hand-to-hand.” Clary tosses hers off to the side of the room until it clatters at the feet of a couple of trainees having a hushed conversation in the corner. The boy practically glares at Clary over his shoulder. Alec raises his eyebrows at him, and the kid rolls his eyes and turns back to the girl he’s talking to. 

“Fine, but I won’t go any easier on you that way.”

“Trust me, I expect nothing less.”

Clary has gotten much better at hand-to-hand. They last longer, several minutes of exchanging and avoiding blows. She lands several kicks to his shins and knees and one almost sends him to the ground. He lets loose a right hook in a panicked reaction and she catches his arm under her own, driving her elbow up into his face. He hears the crunch of his nose before he feels it. 

Alec stumbles back, cursing and wiping at the blood under his nose. Clary fucking  _ smirks _ at him, and all it does is ignite that adrenaline boiling beneath his blood. “Point for me.”

Alec doesn’t stop for a breather this time, he lunches forward again, anger boiling beneath his skin. He gets her in a grapple and pushes back until he’s got her pressed up against the wall. She tries to twist out of it, but Alec’s got height and weight on her. They struggle for a moment, and as he's waiting for her to tap, she hooks one leg behind him and drives her heel into the back of his knee. Alec stumbles to one knee, and she uses that moment to swing herself up, catching one of his arms under her own and wrapping a leg around his neck and dragging him down to the ground in a triangle hold. 

“Jace isn’t the only one that’s been training me.” She laughs, wrenching her hold on his arm to add strain to the position. Alec’s caught for a moment, a moment too long, but he manages to slide his arm up and out of her hold, throwing a forearm to the side of her face. Clary claws at the side of his face in retaliation. She’s much smaller than him and uses that to her advantage, trying to slide out of his grip and get around him for a rear hold, but Alec catches one of her arms, twisting her onto her back and wrenching her arm back in an arm bar. 

She shouts, reaching for her elbow to try and alleviate the strain, but she doesn't tap. Alec wrenches harder on the hold and she whines, but still tries to wiggle out of the hold. 

“Tap out.” He urges her, uncurling her fingers to begin bending them back.

“Not gonna happen.” She surges under him in a good attempt to curl out of the hold, but Alec’s grip is too tight, and she’s so much smaller than him. He wrenches harder on the hold but freezes when he feels the bone snap under the tension.

“Shit.” He releases her, but even just the light movement has Clary yelping. She’s got a blossoming bruise on her cheek and is cradling her arm to her chest. Alec’s hands hover over her, unsure what to do. The new kids are coming closer, eyeing the scene with trepidation and fascination. 

“We gotta get you to medical so they can set your arm.” Alec tells her, and Clary nods around clenched teeth. 

After one of the medics sets Clary’s arm and draws a healing rune over the break, they set her up in a sling and then head off. There’s a few beds in here but Clary’s sitting in the only one. Alec leans against the far wall, arms crossed over his chest and a scowl on his face. His adrenaline and anger has all but fizzled out, and all he’s left with is the cold after effects of a high, his bone deep exhaustion, and guilt. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Clary looks up in surprise. “It’s fine, breaks happen during training all the time. It’ll be better tomorrow.”

“No. I should have known better than to torque it that hard.”

“Does this have anything to do with your bad mood?” Clary is sitting cross legged in the medical bed, and leans back against the headboard to look at Alec. He purses his lips. He doesn’t want to talk about it but...but he broke her fucking arm. He owes her some sort of explanation. 

“Magnus and I got in a fight. I was...upset, I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” Clary gazes at him, tilting her head as she seems to examine him. 

“You shouldn’t have.” She smiles, “You can make it up to me by telling me what the fight was about. Does it have anything to do with what happened last night?”

Alec glares at her. But Clary raises her eyebrows and gestures to her arm held in the sling. Fuck. She must have learned this from Izzy. Alec lets out a deep sigh, and looks around to make sure nobody else is nearby to hear anything. He sits on the edge of the medical bed.

“Yes.”

“What happened? Last night he said there was just a mixup with the spell but that you were fine.”

“I am fine.” He reiterates. Alec folds his hands in front of himself, rubbing at his aching knuckles. “Magnus he...the mix up was me. The spell was fine. Magnus thinks I’m the reason it didn’t work.”

“How?” Her tone is even, not searching or pleading. Alec takes a deep breath and focuses on the tears in the skin of his knuckles, touching the split flesh.

“He said It’s because I didn’t want to go back to my own world. That I was clinging too hard to this one, so I rejected the spell.”

“Well did you?” He glances over his shoulder at her, and the red hair curling loose from her ponytail. There’s no judgement in her face, and he doesn’t know her well enough to know what the expression there means. 

“Maybe.” Alec shrugs. “I don’t know...I like it here.”

“Do you not like your own world?”

Alec snorts, “It’s not that. I just…” He glances at her with narrowed eyes. “Why am I even telling you this?”

“Because you want to tell someone that isn’t Izzy or Jace.” She smiles knowingly. Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s easier to tell her. 

“My family is happy here, I’m happy, I have my career and Magnus. I love everyone in my life back home, but this is everything I’ve ever wanted. How am I supposed to give that up?” Clary gets a furrowed brow, and leans back against the headboard. 

“I understand.” 

“Really?” Alec snorts and looks back at her, “Because this situation just happens all the time.”

Clary nudges him with her foot, but her smile stays pleasant. “Did anyone tell you what happened to me?” 

“Uh, no? Did something happen with your mom? Back in my world she’s still stuck in a spell.”

Clary seems a little wistful. “No. About eight months ago, I just turned around one night and had no idea where I was or what I was doing. I went back to my home and it was destroyed, burned to the ground. My mother was missing, Luke was nowhere to be seen. I didn’t remember anything.”

“What happened?”

“I guess after everything that happened with my family, Valentine and Jonathan, the Angels took away my runes.” She holds out her arms, turning them over to show the sparse runes she’s got, but the faint white scars where previous runes once were. “And with my runes, went my  _ sight _ and all my memories of the Shadow World.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugs, “But I was alone, I had nothing and nobody and so I went back to school. My life was actually good though. I did well in my classes, my professors believed in me. I had friends, I had someone I could have loved.”

Clary stares off at the far wall, her gaze much farther away than this room. “It was picture perfect. My dream school, friends and love and none of this killing demons and homicidal family bullshit. But it was a lie. I was living an empty life.”

“You think this life here is empty?”

“No.” Clary focuses back on him, “I do think that this happiness that our Alec has, that you’re experiencing, It didn’t come easy. When I started to get some of my memories back of this world, all I had was the good ones. My love for Jace, you and Izzy, Simon and Luke. And I wanted it all back so bad, but the new life I had made was good too. Eventually, I had to remember or be told about the bad stuff. I had to deal with my parents and my brother, I had to deal with the things that I had done. 

“I think that all you’re seeing right now are the good memories, the reward for all the work Alec had to put in to get where he is. But you’re missing all the struggle he went through too. I don’t remember everything that happened, but I know getting here, to this happy place, was an uphill battle. Just like with my memories, it wasn’t until I finally did deal with the bad ones, that the good ones really began to mean so much more. And then that new life I had just paled in comparison to what I had here.

“That was the difference. I loved the people in my new life, I did. But remembering all of the struggle we had to go through in this life, all of the pain. It made me realize just how much more the love I earned here meant to me. I had to remember the pain of losing Jace and everything we went through to really remember how much I truly loved him. All of the struggle and pain we go through is what makes the happy times mean so much more.”

Alec swallows. Clary seems so intent, so sure in her words. “That’s awfully wise of you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, back in my world, my time, you’re pretty selfish.” Alec smiles, chuckling when Clary nudges him with her foot again. “Totally selfish, whiny, annoying, childish.”

“Don’t hurt yourself complimenting me.” She laughs, rolling her eyes. “I don’t remember everything, but I know you and I didn’t get off on the right foot...at all. But you’re family to me now. All of you are.”

“Family?” Alec smiles at her, “that might be a stretch.”

“Well, like it or not I love you like a big overbearing brother, so get used to it.”

Alec opens his mouth to reply when there’s a flurry of activity at the door. Jace enters the room with a younger girl in his arms. A medic rushes in behind him, going to the girl’s side as Jace lays her down in the nearby hospital bed. Alec’s nonplussed until he sees Jace’s shirt drenched in blood. 

“What happened?” He asks, standing up and rounding Clary’s bed. 

Jace steps away from the hospital bed so another medic can come up on the other side. Their hands go directly to the girl’s throat, applying pressure to the skin there as blood spills between their fingers. 

“I don’t know.” Jace shakes his hands, splattering blood across the floor, “I found her in the hall like this.”

“Who is it?” 

“Sarah Northcott. She’s in the new training class.” They both watch the girl in the bed. She’s in her blacks, and under the bright overhead lights, Alec can see that the front of her shirt is drenched in her own blood. 

“We should check the security feeds.” Clary says, coming to stand between them as they watch the medics work on Sarah, sewing flesh together temporarily and drawing medical grade iratze’s along the skin of her throat so it can mend itself back together.

“Yea, I can ask Andrew.” Jace agrees, then turns to actually look at Clary, seeing the sling for the first time. “What happened to you?” 

“Oh nothing, training accident.” She waves Jace off. “Let me ask Andrew, you should go change.”

Jace looks between Alec and Clary dubiously for a long moment, but agrees to go back to his room and wash the blood off.

“Clary, have Underhill put the Institute on lockdown. Nobody in or out until we figure out what happened, but don’t sound the alarm. We don’t want to spook whoever did this.”

“You got it.”

Clary leaves to find Underhill and Alec sits back down on Clary’s bed, watching the medics scramble to hold the girl’s neck together long enough to heal the cut.

* * *

**iii**

* * *

Alec sticks around long enough to ensure that Sarah is going to be okay, but the stone-faced medic tells him it’ll be at least a few hours before she wakes up. Alec leaves instructions to notify him as soon as she wakes and heads back to his office. 

Izzy’s there, sitting in his desk with her feet kicked up on the corner and twirling hair around her finger as she squints at the tablet in her lap.

“Alec, I told you to get some sleep.” She scowls. Alec rolls his eyes, walking over and shoving her feet off and leaning against the corner. 

“It doesn’t matter. A girl just got her throat slit in the hallway.” 

“What?” Izzy leans forward, attentive. “Is she okay? Who was it?”

“Sarah Northcott?” 

Izzy sets the tablet down, “Who did this?”

“Underhill’s pulling the security feeds right now and she’s unconscious still, so we’re not sure. Institute’s on lockdown until we can figure it out.” Alec glances at the screen pulled up on her tablet. “What were you working on.”

“Your paperwork.” She rolls her eyes, “Honestly, I don’t know how you do this. It’s so boring, I’ve fallen asleep a dozen times.”

“Hey, we have to document everything properly to ensure accountability.”

“Accountability is boring.” 

“It is not, you’re just lazy.”

“I resent that.” Izzy grins, standing up and stretching. She’s about to respond further when there’s a knock on Alec’s door. Underhill and Clary are standing in the doorway with grim faces. 

“Did you find the footage?” Alec asks. Underhill walks over to Alec, handing him a tablet.

“Sort of.” Underhill plays the video and stands over Alec’s shoulder, watching it with him. Izzy crowds on his other side to peek at the footage. It’s a barely used hallway between the kitchens and the back entrance to the locker rooms. There’s nothing on the footage for a while until he sees the girl fall through the doorway leading to the locker rooms. She falls back hard, like she was pushed, and her hands fumble for her throat. 

“We didn’t get the perp?”

“No, they stayed in the locker room and we don’t have cameras there for obvious reasons.” 

“If she came from the locker room, it’s probably another woman.” Izzy suggests. They watch for a few minutes until Jace enters the frame from the kitchen entrance, dropping the apple in his hand to fall to his knees next to Sarah. 

“I guess we have to wait for Sarah, then.” Alec hands the tablet back to Underhill. “Has anyone tried to leave yet?”

“I contacted patrol and told them to stay out until further notice, and I cancelled the next patrol group scheduled to go out. If they’re suspicious, nobody has said anything.” 

“Let’s keep it that way. Post people we trust at the entrances to ensure nobody sneaks out. It could be a while before she wakes up.”

* * *

Alec gets the alert from medical a few hours later, as the sun is getting lower in the sky. He makes his way back to medical from his office quickly, leaving Izzy there to finish working on the backlog of paperwork. 

When he arrives, Sarah’s sitting up in bed, struggling with one of the medics. The moment she sees him, all of the color drains from her face and she freezes, letting the medic sit her back on the bed. 

“Hello, Sarah.”

“Mr. Lightwood.” She bows her head minutely in respect but keeps her gaze down resolutely on his shoes. 

Alec studies her. Her shoulders are hunched, she’s keeping her eyes down, but he can see the way her fingers tighten in the bedspread and her lashes flutter as her eyes move around erratically. She’s scared. 

He thinks back to the footage, the distress on her face, how she was shoved through the door. She probably knew the person that attacked her. Alec stamps out his first instinct, the one that tells him to push for information, and lets himself instead view her the way he would one of his siblings. 

Alec kneels down in front of her to meet her eyes instead of forcing her to look up at him. She’s got tears running down her face and tries to look away from him to hide it. The line across her neck shines bright red and white, the skin there still stained from the blood.

“Sarah, I need to know what happened.” He says. Her shoulders pull up even more, and some stray blonde hair falls in front of her face. It’s still stained red. 

“I don’t remember.” She shrugs, voice raspy and strained. 

“Look at me.” Alec hardens his voice, and she turns wide, wet blue eyes towards him. “I know that’s not true.”

“It is!” She protests, more tears falling, “I don’t know what happened.”

“If that were true, you wouldn’t be so terrified right now.” 

“I’m not scared.” She protests, expression fierce. 

Alec remembers all the years of ‘ _ emotions cloud judgement’ _ every time he was told to ‘ _ buck up soldier’, _ every time he was told tears were not permitted. Tears were a weakness he could not afford. He remembers saying the same words to Magnus just this morning and the way his heart beat so loud it seemed to down out all other noise. 

Alec sets a hand on her knee. “Sarah, you almost died.” He tries to summon that comforting energy Magnus has used with him over the past few days. “It’s okay to be scared. Anyone would be.”

“You wouldn't be.” She sniffs, rubbing beneath her nose with the back of her hand. “Emotions are a liability. We’re not supposed to be scared.”

“Just because we’re not  _ supposed _ to be scared, doesn’t mean we can’t be. I get scared too, we all do.” 

“Really?” She looks at his face now, eyes wide, searching for something Alec’s not exactly sure how to provide. He thinks of when Jace would wake up with nightmares as a kid, or when Max cried the first time he broke a bone. He remembers the way his hands shake when Magnus so much as  _ looks _ at him with that earnest expression. 

“Absolutely.” He nods, giving her a reassuring smile. “If it makes you feel any better, Jace is afraid of ducks, so at least what scared you was actually dangerous.”

She laughs, and it’s watery and rough, but there’s mirth there. Her shoulders relax, her knee is less tensed under his hand. “I don’t think that’s true.”

“No it is, absolutely terrified. He’ll never admit it of course, but one bit him when we were kids, he’s still got a scar.” Alec shares a smile with her. She brushes her hair back behind her ear.

“I need you to tell me what happened, Sarah.” Alec presses. This time, she studies his face, and he can see the trepidation there. He can see her weighing her options, and the way her hand brushes along the fresh wound along her neck. 

“I think I did something bad.” She says, voice quiet. 

“What was it?”

“I don’t want to be in trouble.” She gasps a bit, trying to choke back more tears.

“Sarah, whatever it is, you almost died over it. I need to make sure nobody else is going to get hurt over this, you know that, right? It’s my job to keep everyone safe and I can’t do that unless you talk to me.”

She nods, and fresh tears fall once again, she suddenly grabs Alec’s hand. “I know, I know. I’m so sorry. I didn't know, I promise I didn't know. You have to believe me, I didn’t want anyone to get hurt!” 

She clutches Alec’s hand in both of hers and bends over, crying even harder. Alec doesn’t know this girl, had no idea who she is, but he feels for her. He covers her hands with his free one, ducking his head to catch her eyes. 

“I know.” He tries to give her a reassuring smile, “I can tell. Just breathe, okay?”

He stays there with her while she takes deep breaths, collecting herself. She’s so young, he’d be surprised if she was even eighteen yet. Alec stands up, wincing at the way his knees crack, and pulls one of the medical stools over so he can sit in front of her. Her fingers scratch at the rough fabric of her pants.

“I didn’t know he was going to hurt anyone.” She says quietly.

“Who?”

“Terrance.” 

Alec thinks back, he’s heard the name once or twice over the past few days but he thought they cleared him.

“What happened?”

“You’re going to hate me.” She laughs humorlessly, “Last week, we were all hanging out. Terrance, Patrick, Kairi and I. We went to Taki’s for food after patrol and Kairi introduced us to her girlfriend there. We...we didn’t know she was  _ gay _ y’know? I...It really surprised all of us.”

Alec thinks back to the dark haired Shadowhunter and the blonde wolf they found earlier this week, and his heart sinks as she continues. 

“Patrick was acting weird about it and Terrance got really mad, and started yelling and we just, we left Kairi there with her girlfriend. I felt so bad, but...I didn't know what to do.” She looks down at her hands, “the next night, Kairi was off patrol and Terrance kept saying all of this horrible stuff about her about how...it was a  _ sin. _ And Patrick didn’t say anything so I didn’t know if I was supposed to say anything or not? I figured he just needed to vent. I’ve heard that stuff before from my parents.”

“Anyway, the three of us were supposed to be patrolling together, but they wanted to go do something so I said I would cover for them, because the night was slow. But there was a Shax demon and it scared me and I got bit.” She holds out her right arm, showing a faint scar along her inner forearm.

“I didn't mean to get them in trouble. Terrance was so mad at me. We found out what happened to Kairi and...I didn't even think he could do that. It didn’t even cross my mind. Then that night, he asked me to cover for him again, and I felt bad that I got him in trouble, you know? So I agreed. And god...” 

She runs a hand through her hair, face scrunched up in distress. “I never even knew Patrick was like  _ that.  _ I had no idea. I’ve known him and Terrance since I was a kid, how could I have not known? When I heard what happened to Patrick the next morning, I knew. I  _ knew _ it was Terrance, it had to be. But god I didn’t want to believe it.”

“I...I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who I could tell, and I didn’t want to get in trouble. I just...didn’t do anything. Maybe I convinced myself it wasn’t him. I don’t know. But then he told me how he tried to hurt Mr. Underhill and I told him he had to say something or I would. That I would tell you guys what he did and…”

“And that’s when he did this to you?” Alec asks. 

She nods, and when she looks up at his face next. “I didn’t know he was going to do that. You have to believe me, I didn't  _ know _ .” 

He doesn’t know how to respond to that. How can he express sympathy when this girl stood by while two of her friends were murdered? She’s repentant, clearly, but her mistakes have cost innocent people their lives. He should be mad, he should be fucking furious about all of this. But there’s something about this that rings familiar for him. 

Only two days ago Alec stood in front of Magnus, desperately sorry for the pain he had caused and Magnus, in all his goodness, merely stroked his fingers down the back of Alec’s cheek and acknowledged him. He hadn’t forgiven him, he hadn’t chastised him. But he understood. 

And Alec gets it. He understands what it means to struggle between what you’ve been taught and what you know is right and wrong. He understands the desperate need to stay on the straight and narrow, to do what you’ve always been told is right even if it feels wrong. Maybe it’s not the same, her actions have gotten people killed and Alec’s just  _ hurt _ people. 

But in the turmoil of the last few days, Magnus’s kindness has been a lifeline for him, one of the few things that got him through it all. Magnus, who he was hurting by just being here, showed him such kindness and compassion that Alec didn’t deserve but desperately needed. 

And he doesn’t think she deserves his compassion, he can’t give that to her. But she doesn’t need his anger, she just had her throat slit, she’s seen enough of that. Maybe she just needs understanding. 

“I know.” 

* * *

**iv**

* * *

Later, well past sunset, Alec finds himself watching the moon spill across New York Harbor. When he was younger, when the walls of the Institute were too small and Jace and Izzy were too much, sometimes he would do this. He’d walk down to the southern tip of Manhattan, and then ride the ferry until the cold got too biting or the sun began to rise over the horizon. 

He used to go for walks through Central Park, but Jace and Izzy were able to find him too easily. This way, when he was out on the water, it was the only time he could really disappear. There was no way to track him over the water, and it was such a mundane thing that there was so little chance of running into any Shadowhunters. He’d find an open bench, which wasn’t hard at night, and just let the rocking of the water and the dull chatter of mundanes around him lull him into a haze. 

He finds himself here again. He can’t be at the Institute right now, and he can’t face Magnus. He doesn’t want weird looks from Izzy, or Jace’s anger. He doesn’t want  _ understanding _ . He just wants to get away from it all. He wants to curl up in his coat and not think about anything for a few hours. 

If only he should be so lucky.

His mind keeps going back to those kids. How terrified they must have been. That asshole was their  _ friend _ and he killed them. And for what? For not being like him. For being  _ abnormal _ . “Abominations.” Is what Terrance called them when Alec had him in for questioning. He spit “sinner” and “monster”, “freak” at Alec and bragged about killing them. Bragged about cleansing  _ the bloodline _ . 

It didn’t take long to figure out his parents were devout circle members. He wonders if his own parents held the same beliefs when they were in the circle. If his mother or father ever murdered anyone like that, anyone that was different.  _ Impure. _

Kairi and Ola, who were just young and in love, who died with their hands clasped. They were so young, and all Kairi wanted to do was introduce her friends to her girlfriend. She thought it was  _ safe _ here. 

And Patrick? That kid watched the horrible reaction Kairi got, he saw Kairi  _ die _ for who she wanted to love and was too terrified to do anything. They don’t know anything about Patrick and the vampire he was with. Were they boyfriends? Was it just a fling? Terrance said he tracked Patrick down to that den and saw them kissing and  _ did what the angels would have wanted _ . 

Alec sees far too much of himself in Patrick. The way Patrick was committed to keeping his head down, pretending to be  _ normal _ , keeping his  _ dirty little secret _ to himself. He didn’t tell anybody. Everyone they’ve asked, nobody knew. He had no one to talk to, nobody to confide in. He had no Magnus telling him “It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” He had nobody to stand in front of him and beg for him to be honest with himself. He had no one. 

Alec had to sit there for hours while that absolute fucking monster detailed his crimes. He had to listen to every sordid detail, every moment of his killings that he was  _ proud of _ . Alec had to listen to his ranting and raving about how they were all ‘abominations in the eyes of the Angel’. 

“You represent everything that’s wrong with the Clave.” Terrance spit at Alec, “You force the Clave to recognize your disgusting  _ marriage _ to a  _ warlock _ no less. You flaunt him around here, as if he doesn’t spit in the face of everything we stand for. You betray your own people by  _ marrying _ that thing, they’re demons, all of them. And you’re no better.”

It’s everything Alec has always told himself, everything he’s overheard growing up in the Clave. It’s what he always imagined his parents would say when they found out, it’s every hateful thought Alec has had towards himself over the years. It’s vile and it’s nasty and disgusting to hear all of it out loud. 

And somehow, having all of the things he’s used to hurt himself over the years said out loud, makes them mean so little. Hearing all of it from that deranged monster, hearing everything unsaid finally spoken just...makes it all seem so stupid. The kid was delusional. Aboslutely fucking delisonal. The longer he spoke, the more hateful things he said, the more Alec just realized how ridiculous it all sounded. 

A murderer sat before him and acted like a martyr for ending the lives of people who only ever wanted to love and be loved in return. 

He’s been so terrified to hear that hate for so long, he’s dreaded it, built it up so much in his head. And at the end of it all, it’s the stupidest fucking thing he’s ever heard. 

That kid didn’t just hate them because they were gay, but because they were with Downworlders. They were sullying their angel blood by mixing with ‘those demons.’ Called them freaks and monsters and spewed words straight from Valentine’s mouth about needing to  _ eradicate _ them. 

Alec remembers the kind, gentle smile on Magnus’s face, how he helped Luke and Clary back in his own world. He thinks about Catarina’s blue skin and glowing white hair, Madzie’s gills and how their home was full of life and love and Madzie handed him her stuffed animals to make him feel better. 

He thinks of Simon’s stupid smiles towards his sister, and how he’s never seen Izzy so content in her own skin before. How they held hands and bumped shoulders and whispered about weird things Alec’s never heard before. There’s Maia and Lily, Luke and Meliorn. All of these people he’s come to know.

He thinks about all of them, and how they’re worth so much more than that hateful little shit in a holding cell right now. 

Alec looks down at his hands and the pendant he’s holding. The rose quartz has warmed in his hands, and the golden charms catch some of the moonlight. 

Mangus. Magnus with his gentle smiles and soft, large hands. The way his skin glows like molten gold under the soft morning light, and how his eyes crinkle at the edges when he smiles. How Magnus lets stray cats on his roof because nobody else will feed them, and the happy look on his face when he got to pick out an outfit for Alec to wear. There’s the yellow cat eyes beneath his brown irises and how he looks without his makeup and hair done, how simply handsome and beautiful he still is beneath all of the layers. 

There’s the way Magnus shared his life with Alec this week when he didn’t have to. How until that argument, even when he was hurt and upset, he didn’t yell, he didn’t get angry with Alec. He’s been so kind and understanding through all of this, he pushed when Alec needed pushed, and he asked for space when he needed it. Magnus was vulnerable, and upset, but he still let Alec stay close. 

It’s so different from the aloof warlock from Alec’s world, such a dichotomy to the man he thought he knew. On the surface, his Magnus has jewelry and lace and silk and a confident smirk. He’s got coy grins and smoldering eyes. He threw ridiculous pickup lines at Alec and mentioned past lovers and put on such a display. 

But every time they’ve been alone, that outward mask has slipped away little by little. He got a taste of it back in his world. There was a vulnerable look with  _ “you’ve awakened something in me” _ and a quiet pleading in  _ “I won’t ask again.” _ But now that he knows this Magnus, with all of his walls down and his heart open and inviting, Alec can see everything he didn’t see before. 

That look Magnus had at the end of the aisle, the way he looked at Alec. It’s so much like the look on Magnus’s face this morning when he  _ begged _ Alec not to go. It’s in his voice when he asked Alec to stay and sleep in bed with him the other night. 

_ “I gave you the power to hurt me.” _ Magnus told him earlier, and now Alec can see it and it makes him sick. He knows how horrible it felt this week to know  _ he _ was the one to upset Magnus, to see his pain and even tears. To know he was the cause of it. And in looking back, he wonders of much pain he caused back in his own world that he just couldn’t see. When he told Magnus he was going to marry Lydia, when he asked Magnus what he risked, what kind of pain did Magnus hide behind his walls then?

What must this Alec have gone through to make Magnus so much more comfortable sharing himself? To make him comfortable enough to show his cat eyes and be bare faced without all of his layers. 

He’s forced to think about the one person he’s been ignoring this whole time. The other Alec. The one who wears a gold wedding ring, and has a side of the bed, and wears his family watch proudly. This Alec is a man that the other Shadowhunters respect, he’s someone the Downworld respects. This is a man who has earned the trust and love of a warlock child, and nursed a sick cat back to health. This is a man who is loved, and respected. 

It’s a man that Magnus loves.

And then there’s what Clary said. That this happiness he’s experiencing is empty. That he hasn’t  _ earned _ it. This Magnus loves Alec with his entire being, they’re married, they live together. He’s  _ hurting _ just because his Alec is gone. 

Can Alec even actually say if he loves Magnus? He hasn’t known him that long, a few weeks at most. He does care, he knows that for a fact but love? Love is for family. Love is sacred and important and rare. Maybe he doesn’t quite  _ love _ Magnus, but he wants to. And he wants to be worthy of his love in return. 

“All of the struggle and pain we go through is what makes the happy times mean so much more.” Clary had said. 

And after everything over the past few days, the senseless loss of life, the ridiculous  _ hate _ and  _ bigotry _ , the heartbreak and pain. It all just puts things into perspective. Alec’s so tired of being unhappy. He doesn’t want to die with this secret like poor young Patrick, and he doesn’t want to hurt Magnus or Lydia.

Maybe this world is real, maybe it’s not. But it’s potential. It’s all of the potential happiness he could have, all the potential he wants. It’s a future where he loves and is loved in return by more than he could have imagined. It’s a future where he’s  _ happy _ . And maybe, just maybe, ignoring what should be the  _ logical _ answer is worth the risk if this is a possible reward. 

It’s not just that Magnus is worth the risk, although Alec is convinced he is. 

But what he understands now is that his own happiness is worth the risk. 

He stares at the little pink charm in his hands. He sat at dinner and meant to give this to Magnus, thought about how to do it the entire walk to the restaurant. But by time he plucked up the courage, the ghost of  _ this _ Alec got between them again. 

He remembers the wistful look Eunsoo gave the girl with purple skin and how that girl stared longingly back long after Eunsoo looked away. He thinks of Kairi and her girlfriend, of Patrick and the vampire, how all of them were struck down too soon, how they’ll never get the opportunity to give something to someone special again. 

Alec gets off of the ferry at its next stop in Manhattan. He takes the subway back to Brooklyn and quickly finds himself standing outside of the door to Magnus’s apartment, fingers hovering over the handle, charm clutched in his freehand. It’s so easy, all he has to do is open the door. Magnus had asked him to stay, all he has to do is walk through the threshold.

He hesitates, and his heart pounds loudly in his ears. His breath catches in his throat. 

He wants this.

He wants his own happiness. 

And he wants that happiness to include Magnus.

He’s not in love with Magnus yet, but he could be, and that’s a risk worth taking. 

Alec takes a deep breath and opens the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> 1"Haven't you heard?" "I'm not your brother." [return to text]
> 
> 2"You will always be my brother." "I don't care what Magnus says." [ return to text ]
> 
> 3"But he is right. I don't belong here."[return to text]
> 
> \--
> 
> TW: in line with the murder investigation, this chapter contains some derogatory hate speech in the last section (iv).
> 
> —
> 
> Pretty sure Alec is up for 24 hours straight in this chapter. Somebody get this boy a nap.
> 
> Last chapter up soon!
> 
> As Always you can reach me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Koryandr_) or [Tumblr](https://koryandr.tumblr.com/) Feel free to @ me, I'd love to hear from you. :) Also, feel free to reach out if you have any questions/concerns.
> 
> You can also find me on the [Malec Discord Server!](https://discord.gg/5nBgEp8)


	5. Day Zero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Additional Trigger Warnings Apply

* * *

**i**

* * *

The door opens, and instead of Magnus’s apartment, Alec is entering his own bedroom back at the Institute. But it’s different. There are no plants in here, there’s tissues on the nightstand and an unmade bed, a hamper full of dirty laundry and socks littering the ground. Alec freezes in place. 

Instead of the clothes he was wearing moments ago, Alec finds himself in uncomfortable dress shoes, slacks, and a crisp white button down. He turns his left hand over and it’s like the air is punched out of his lungs. There’s no band of pale skin around his ring finger, no keychain and rose quartz looped around his finger. There’s nothing there. He turns his hands over, noting that they’re a little thinner and his cuticles are red and irritated. 

He’s back. 

How?

But he was going to talk to Magnus, he needed to talk to Magnus, he--

“Alec?” 

He turns towards the voice. Izzy’s there and it’s  _ his _ Izzy. His Izzy with her somber expression and fierce makeup. Alec wraps his arms around her, ducking down enough that he can smell that same hair spray she’s used since they were kids. The chemical smell usually had him turning up his nose, but the nostalgia for that artificial fruit wins out.

“Alec, what is it?” Izzy presses against his chest, to distance them, but he doesn’t let go. God, he missed her. He had the other Izzy with her open affection and calm demeanor, but this is  _ his _ Izzy. His sister. She pushes harder against his chest and Alec lets himself take a step back. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing.” Alec shakes his head, “Sorry I just--”

“Are you having second thoughts?” She asks, expression grim but insistent, “Because if you are, Alec, you give the word and all of this is over. I don’t care what anyone says.” 

“No.” Alec rushes to placate her, “No, no I just...you look beautiful.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” she teases, laying her hand along his ribcage, “but are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes.” She studies his face for a long minute, but eventually aquiesses. 

“Fine, but you better not have messed up my hair, I just got done with it.” Izzy steps around him to adjust her curls in the mirror. Then she turns back to him and hands him the garment bag. “Here, we made the last adjustments on it earlier, should be a perfect fit.”

Alec takes the bag from her, curious as to what this is, but he unzips the bag and once again his breath is stolen. It’s his jacket. The wedding jacket. 

This is his wedding.

But Alec already did all of this he--

“Alec, if you don’t dress yourself you can’t complain about me dressing you.” Izzy takes the garment from him, stripping the bag away and hanging the jacket up on the standing mirror. She fishes in the bag and pulls out a few strips of black fabric. She drapes the smaller band across her arm and holds out the much larger one.

His cummerbund. Alec remembers this, last time Izzy--

She tugs his arm to plant him in front of the mirror, draping the flat of the fabric against his waist. Just like before, his stomach muscles jump at the unexpected touch. She peeks around his arm as she works, too short to look over his shoulder, and smoothes her hands down his sides to make sure it’s lying flat. Just like before she fastens it a little too tight around his waist, but he doesn’t say anything. 

Next she forces him to sit on the edge of his bed and then steps between his legs to drape the ends of the bow tie around his neck. 

It’s easy to look back and tell himself he wants Magnus, that he should have chosen him at the altar, but now that he’s here...he doesn’t know what to do. He should stop this. He should tell Izzy now that he can’t do it, that he can’t marry Lydia, but once again he’s frozen with a bone-deep fear. 

What if Magnus doesn’t show up this time?

What if he does?

What if he’s really getting a second chance? 

Why did it pull him back when it did? Why didn’t he get to talk to Magnus? He had so much to say, so much he needed to say, he wanted to give him that charm he--

He thinks back, trying to remember what happened on this day for the other Magnus, what  _ his _ Alec did that he did not. What did he say happened? It was important, they discussed it so many times, it was  _ pivotal _ . Fuck. The details remain illusive, only leaving him with a nauseous sense of deja vu.

And then everything happens too fast for Alec to comprehend, too fast for him to pause, to think. He just needs five minutes to  _ think _ but Izzy is buttoning his jacket and fastening his cufflinks, and then she hands him off to Jace. 

Did Alec never realize before how much Jace seemed to be crumbling? Is it only in retrospect that he can see the chinks in his armor, the fissures in the facade he puts on? Jace has always been good at hiding his pain, hiding his feelings, and Alec always thought himself the world’s leading expert on reading him. But did he really never notice that Jace seemed to be drowning too?

“Hey buddy, you look like you’re going to hurl.” Jace smiles, the kind of smile that’s sweet and teasing and makes his eyes shimmer and calls attention to the multi-colored irises. And maybe this is the first time that he’s looked at Jace and really known that he’s not in love with him. He’s certainly thought it a lot ever since Clary came into their lives and Jace turned into this unfamiliar being but…

But now he just thinks about how his heart fluttered when he was close enough to count the eyelashes across Magnus’s cheeks. He remembers the way he teased him before they kissed the first time, every press of fingers and rings to his cheeks. How his heart was going to beat out of his chest when they were sitting in that Korean restaurant and Magnus grinned around the shot glass. 

And it’s not just the attraction, he can still see that Jace is attractive. 

But he knows now what it’s like to feel the teetering potential of love in his chest and he never remembers feeling that for Jace. There were butterflies, of course there were, and he blushed and watched his lips when he talked too frequently. But there was never this creature in his chest that both suffocates him and gives him the power to breathe. Never this desperate longing to just be  _ near  _ another person. 

It almost feels like the overwhelming nature of the parabatai bond, but without the safety of knowing the other person feels the same way. 

It’s terrifying. 

And thrilling. 

Jace seems to accept his silence as an answer, and grimaces, tugging Alec into the room by the crook of his elbow. 

There’s so many people here, and Alec feels on the verge of panic. He’s lived all of this before, walked these same steps, looked at his mother dressed this exact same way but everything is different now. Like the lights have shifted, and everything is just a little bit  _ off _ . 

His mother is in front of him, the picture of poise and perfection. The runes are dark along the exposed skin of his arms, and she looks beautiful. But there’s something odd tickling in the back of Alec’s brain, that there’s something off about this picture, something off about  _ her _ . The thought remains just out of reach, leaving only that sense of wrongness about her. 

“You’ve made me so proud.” She says, smoothing down his lapels. 

Alec only interacted with his mother briefly over the past few days, but it’s like night and day looking at this woman,  _ his _ mother, and comparing the two. The other Maryse was warm and open and affectionate. But this is the familiar distance he remembers. He can see bits of that warm woman beneath the surface, in the way her eyes water and her voice quivers lightly. She’s there, but there’s something wrong with his mother and he doesn’t know what it is. Maybe there always was something wrong. 

“Alright, you ready for this?” Jace asks when Alec turns back to him. 

But Alec can’t bring himself to say the same words back to him that he did the first time. He...he shouldn't do this. He felt such conviction last time, that this was absolutely the best thing to do, that this was the only option. But...Alec doesn’t know how to ask for all of this to stop, it’s like he’s on a runaway train and can’t bring himself to just  _ jump off _ . Everything has been set in motion already. 

Alec can’t breathe.

“Alec?”

“I’m glad you’re here with me.” He tells Jace. And it’s true. Alec probes at the thin veil of the bond. Jace is just as tumultuous as he remembers and nothing like the calm presence of the  _ other _ Jace. But he still clings to him to ground himself, to keep himself tethered to the here and now. 

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else.” Jace says, patting his arms. He moves to step around Alec, to get into position, but Alec finds himself grabbing Jace tightly by the forearm. He needs to breathe, he needs to think. He can’t--

“Alec?” Jace steps closer, and the bond sings between their skin. Alec focuses on that, on the energy along the edges of  _ them _ . It helps the rest of the world quiet, to fade a little into the background. 

He looks into his brother’s eyes and focuses on all of the reasons he agreed to do this in the first place. He told himself a million times that Jace and Izzy depended on him to do this, that he was the last line of defence between them and the rest of the world, the clave. That he had to take the burden of their family on his shoulders, he had to support them.

Alec has always kept Izzy and Jace grounded. They’re too fervent, too volatile, they need something to keep them grounded. Alec has always been that. He’s always been the one they crawl into bed with in the night with tears or nightmares. He’s always the one to take responsibility for them because he’s their  _ big brother _ and that’s what big brothers do. He doesn’t know how they made it this far in life sometimes, they both get into so much trouble without him. He’s always protected them from their own mistakes. 

...but maybe he doesn’t want to do that alone anymore. 

“Alec what is it?” Jace lays a hand on Alec’s back, and he can feel Jace prodding at the edge of his consciousness. He opens his mouth, he just needs to  _ say  _ something, to put words to these feelings but…

“Attention,” the bang of Brother Enoch’s staff is like a shock through the system and he lets go of Jace’s arm. “The ceremony is about to commence.” 

Jace leans closer into Alec, but panic bubbles up under his skin and Alec shakes his head, falling back into his place at the altar.

And just like before, everything happens in a flash. Izzy is there, a vision in dark gold, and then Lydia.  _ Lydia _ . It feels like it’s been years since he’s seen her. She’s beautiful, she always was. Blonde hair braided back in intricate knots, blue eyes shimmering, and a brilliant smile on her face. She’s a vision in champagne and white, and the dark runes on her skin hold the beauty and strength of  _ power _ . She’s a vision.

He should be enamored by her.

But all he feels is guilt, and shame for himself. 

He struggles to remember why he felt so strongly that this was the right thing to do. 

He helps her up the steps of the dias. Her hand is so damn small in his own, and her skin is rough and calloused.

Lydia is here, standing in front of him. She’s looking to him for an answer he doesn’t know if he can give anymore. Her smile falls just a fraction, and her brow furrows. But she doesn’t say anything. She wouldn’t. She...she knows the ceremony here. She knows her role, and he knows his. 

All he has to do is play his role but…

“Alec.” His name on her tongue is foreign. It shouldn’t be. He’s  _ marrying _ her. 

Alec’s attention snaps down to where she holds her hand out for his own, the gold bracelet in her right hand. How long has she been holding her hand out for his? Alec moves quickly, pulling the sleeve of his shirt back enough that she can bend the gold around his wrist. 

The gold burns against his skin, a brand, a reminder of how  _ wrong _ all of this feels. 

He tries to pick up the necklace from the cushion it rests on, but his hands shake too much.

“Alec.” Jace whispers. Alec can’t fucking breathe. He can’t get control of his hands he can’t--

He spins at the thud of the outside doors, and his entire body freezes in anticipation. That moment, between the thud and what he hopes will walk through the doorway, lasts a lifetime. Every cell in his body stands on edge, every hair and molecule, he shivers in anticipation. He can’t move, he can’t breathe. His heart freezes in place. 

And the moment he sees that shock of pink and black in the doorway, a relief like he’s never known rushes over him. The world pulls focus, everything fades away and all that’s left is Magnus ( _ his _ Magnus) and Alec and the frantic pounding of his heart in his ears. 

Alec doesn’t know how he’s constantly surprised when he looks at Magnus, and thinks he’s never seen anything more beautiful in his life. How can he think that so many times, and yet all of them still hold true. Alec’s breathing quickens as Magnus’s gaze bores into his own. He doesn’t know how to function, he needs to look away so he can get control of his body, but everything inside him screams in protest at the thought. 

He never wants to look away from Magnus. 

He’s fucking terrified. 

He was terrified last time too, he remembers that. But that terror had him collapsing inward. This terror, for however similar it is, makes him feel alive in a way he hasn’t been before. 

His mother raises from her seat again, walking down the aisle towards Magnus, but she’s a distant figure in Alec’s field of vision. Everything narrows down to this, Magnus and him, and Alec wants to live in this connection forever and never let go. But he can’t. Because his mother is here, and Jace and Izzy and Hodge and--Magnus is walking towards him, making Alec’s heart beat impossible louder, faster, so frantic it feels like it’s going to beat right out of his chest. 

“Alec?” Lydia grabs his hand and the connection breaks, the rest of the room floods back into Alec’s senses. It’s like coming up out of deep water, disorienting and too open, too exposed. He looks to her, and she breathes a laugh into the space between them, thumb brushing lightly over the bone of his wrist. “Hey.”

“I just...I can’t breathe.” 

“I know,” she reasures him, squeezing his hand, “It’s okay.” 

But does she know? Can she feel his pulse through his skin, can she tell that he doesn’t remember the last time he took a deep breath? Can she hear how loud his thoughts are screaming at him? Can she make out what they’re saying? Because he can’t. 

Alec stands on a precipice. 

His mind tells him to cling to dry land, but his heart tells him to jump. Every fibre of is being is called towards Magnus at the end of the aisle like a moth to a flame, a magnet drawn to true north. But every list he’s made, every thought process he can go through tells him to stay with Lydia. Everything else draws him back to Magnus. 

He’s seen how both of these choices end up. One with a rune on his wrist and...and possibly the other ends up with a ring. That other life suddenly feels so distant. Now that he’s not there, it feels like the dream he kept telling himself it was. But that’s not his world, things didn’t end up the same way there that they will here. Right?

It’s a possibility, that happiness is a possibility. But it’s like asking him to walk down a dark tunnel for the possibility of a light at the end. 

He’s never been good with blind faith.

_ (“You'll be lonely all your life, and so will she. Neither of you deserve it. And I don't either.”) _

This isn’t just a decision that affects him. This affects Magnus and Lydia too. Has he ever really stopped to think what all of this means for Lydia. 

_ (“You can go home, stay married to that girl, pretend like you look at her and feel anything. You can live a life with her, force yourself to kiss her, to fuck her, to pop out a couple of kids and pretend like it’s what you want in your life. But let me tell you this. You’re going to end up just like your parents were. Miserable, and angry, and eventually hating yourself isn’t going to be enough and you’ll hate Lydia for it, and then your kids. And at the end of the day you’ll only have yourself to blame.”) _

Has he really stopped to consider what this would mean for her? Lydia deserves to be happy, she deserves someone who looks at her and feels  _ something _ . Who looks at her and feels the way Alec feels when he looks at Magnus. Someone who is drawn to more than just her strength and conviction. This is a selfish decision to do this to her, to do this to himself. A choice they’re making that will make both of them unhappy in the long run. 

_ (“You lose your breath every time they enter a room. Your heart beats faster when they walk by. Your skin tingles when they stand close enough to feel their breath.”) _

He doesn’t know if he’s in love with Magnus. It’s a tall order, those words hold so much weight. He’s never said it to anyone outside of his family, and even within their family, rarely are those words spoken. But Alec knows, deep down, that what he feels for Magnus has the potential to bloom into love, the seeds have been planted. 

If Magnus feels the same way about Alec, he doesn’t want to think about what happened last time he was here, last time when he made the wrong choice for the right reasons.

And Lydia deserves someone who can love her for the amazing person she is. She deserves more. 

And maybe…

Maybe Alec does too.

“I can’t do this. I thought we were doing the right thing, but... this isn't it.” 

“You don't have to explain.” She says, and her face betrays nothing. They’re similar, they’re so similar, that’s why they thought this would work. They think the same, they were raised the same. They both see the world the same way. He doesn't doubt that she knows exactly what he means. 

“Lydia, I'm sorry.” He squeezes her hand.

“Hey”, she squeezes his fingers back, and cups his jaw and her hand is too small and the skin too rough, but this is the first time today that she’s touched him and he felt comfort from it. The stroke of her thumb on his cheek is nice, and a distinct kind of affection separate from that of his family or Magnus. “you deserve to be happy. Okay? I'll be fine.”

He turns towards Magnus, and he can read him so much better now. He only spent a few days with the other Magnus, but he recognizes the guarded vulnerability in his eye, the way he holds himself ramrod straight. He sees the man’s unwavering conviction and that thing in his chest that feels like love begins to sprout.

Alec has walked down this aisle three times now, twice it felt like a death sentence, like he was being marched to the gallows, and once was with the weight of a bad choice branded on his skin, burning him from the inside out. But this time? Walking down the aisle towards Magnus, towards the man that makes him feel alive in a way that’s foreign and terrifying and thrilling?

Well it’s as easy as breathing.

And this kiss? It makes the days old memory of Magnus’s lips feel like a distant echo because this is  _ his _ Magnus. And it’s new and thrilling and like coming home. The  _ rightness _ of it blooms in his chest, tingling his fingers and toes and permeating his skin. The world falls away again, and all there is is Magnus’s lips, his nose pressed into Alec’s cheek, and his hands on his waist. 

Magnus smells like cologne and that sandalwood scent that he’s come to associate as  _ them. _ He’s nothing like the other Magnus, yet somehow everything like him and more. Those kisses he shared with the other Magnus felt like something fraudulent, like he cheated, hadn’t earned them. But this feels right, like it’s  _ his _ and only his.

Everything has shifted again, slotted into place. And for the first time in days, Alec feels like he’s right where he’s supposed to be. 

* * *

**ii**

* * *

“Alexander?” Alec glances over his shoulder at Magnus. Eventually, Alec’s brain will stop short circuiting every time he looks at the man. But god damn, he’s dressed to the nines. His shoulders are broad and his waist small and that sweep of pink across his forehead, the black eyeshadow, it all makes his skin itch and heat pool in his gut. 

“Hey.” He says, welcoming Magnus to sit down next to him on the steps of the dias. The hall is still decked out in all of his wedding regalia. The runner bearing the wedding rune, the large block of adamus on a pedestal behind them, flowers and decorations line the walls. The promise of something that for one day of Alec’s life  _ was _ but now will never be. 

“I’ve been looking for you.” Magnus looks at him, and Alec isn’t yet used to this tentative nature from Magnus, the other Magnus was so sure. It makes him feel nostalgic for that other Magnus, but impossibly fond for this one.  _ His _ Magnus. This Magnus is his, he’s not sharing him with anyone else. 

“You seem deep in thought.” Magnus says tentatively, tilting his head just enough that his skin catches rose colored light from the stained glass windows. 

“Just thinking.” Alec shrugs.

“Well, would you mind some company while you think?” Magnus teases, but Alec can sense the insecurity of the question beneath his words. 

He looks at Magnus, really  _ looks _ at him. When he lived this day before, what feels like forever ago, he was so sure about the choice he made. He was so sure in his convictions, so righteous. How much of that was really how he felt, and how much of it was him convincing himself that what he was doing was right? 

Because Alec looks at Magnus now, and doesn’t know how anyone could walk away from him. 

_ (“I risked everything!...I gave you the power to hurt me, Alec….It was one of the hardest choices I’ve had to make. But I did it for me. Because I wanted to live again.”) _

But that was before, and this is now. And now he understands that Magnus has given Alec a gift too precious and fragile for just anyone to handle. He’s placed his heart in Alec’s hands for him to cradle or crush.  _ Before _ he didn’t know. He had no idea the weight of Magnus’s actions, but now Alec knows what he has in his possession, and if he can help it, he never wants to do anything other than worship this precious gift. 

He won’t let Magnus’s risk be in vain. Because Magnus would never do that to him. 

Or so he hopes. 

“Maybe, but for you I’ll make an exception.” Alec says, with a smile and surety that makes him feel proud. 

Magnus returns his grin, ducking his head bashfully like Alec has never seen on him before, this Magnus or the other one. Magnus chuckles. 

“You keep surprising me, Alexander.”

“In good ways, I hope.”

“The best.” Magnus leans over to nudge their shoulders together, and they share a smile. The more Magnus smiles, the brighter Alec does until they’re both grinning like idiots. Magnus looks down at Alec’s lips, but pulls back instead of leaning forward to kiss him the way Alec wants him to. “So why are we hiding in here?”

Alec watches Magnus’s mouth as he talks, the flick of his tongue against the back of his teeth. He’s struck by the memory of  _ other _ Magnus, of their last kiss, heated and angry and upset. But more so he’s focused on the way it felt to have Magnus pressed between him and the wall, his knee slotted between his thighs his--. 

“Alec?”

“Sorry.” Alec shakes his head to clear the memory, “I’m just avoiding the disappointed lecture for a little longer.” 

“Ah.” Magnus nods, sounding too understanding for someone that only comes around to fix the wards, “Maryse and Robert.”

“Do you know them well?”

“We’ve been...acquainted before.” Magnus shrugs, “It seems we always meet under less than pleasant circumstances. I wouldn’t exactly say we have  _ friendly _ relations.”

“Well, I’ll be getting the same treatment for the rest of my life.” Alec chuckles, but it just brings up the sick feeling he has in his stomach and the memory of the look his mother gave him before storming out.

“Hey,” Magnus tips Alec’s chin up with the backs of his fingers, “I’m sure they’ll come around.”

_ (“They try. Sometimes more successfully than others….She was reluctant at first, but she came around.”) _

“Maybe.” Alec shrugs, “I just don’t want to think about it right now.”

“Sorry.” Magnus pulls away, but Alec stops him. Alec searches Magnus’s face, seeing everything tentative there, and finds surety in himself. He reaches out and grabs Magnus’s hand where it rests in his lap, twining their fingers together. Magnus’s breath hitches, and Alec’s heart skips a beat. 

It’s Magnus’s left hand, and he’s not wearing any rings on it this time. It’s weird, Alec’s not used to holding hands, if he’s ever done this with anyone it would have been Izzy. But Magnus’s hands are twice the size of Izzy’s. They’re large, and his skin is soft on Alec’s. Alec loves that, the different textures to their hands. He loves the way Magus’s skin looks like gold and Alec’s is paler, but colored warmer. How Magnus’s hands are relatively unblemished, and the way the dark nail polish draws attention to his long, thin fingers. 

Alec uses his free hand to trace the back of Magnus’s hand, the veins that are raised there. The rise of his knuckles. He brushes his thumb over the skin of his ring finger. There’s no pale band there, no ring. Alec thinks about the warm metal that sat at home on the other Magnus’s finger. 

The unblemished skin of his ring finger sings with possibilities that Alec is eager to explore.

“Alexander?” Magnus’s voice is airy, and Alec can hear the heaviness to his breath. He turns to look at him, and his pupils are wide, his lips pink and parted with baited breath. There’s something about his eyes, some thought that maybe they’re not the right color, but the thought goes as quick as it comes. 

The other world seems to slip between his fingers the harder he tries to remember the details. 

Alec’s caught on the sight of Magnus’s lips. 

He wants to kiss him. 

And Magnus seems to be looking at his lips too, eyes hooded and lashes curling low as he stares at Alec. 

Magnus wants him too. 

This time, Alec can have him. 

Alec cups Magnus’s face with his free hand and presses his lips gently against Magnus’s. It’s the first kiss that isn’t rushed or panicked, it’s not desperate or angry. It’s soft, and leaves his heart too full, like his chest will burst if it were possible to feel any more affection for Magnus than he already does. 

When Magnus deepens the kiss, grabbing onto Alec’s shirt and switching the angle, Alec takes a shuddering breath in through his nose. His fingers slide along the shaved hair on the back of Magnus’s head. Something about that feeling of the short hairs on his fingers makes Alec’s gut burn hotter. Alec surges into the kiss, sweeping his tongue along Magnus’s bottom lip.

The noise Magnus makes, a desperate whimper, just makes Alec hungrier for him. Then Magnus nails scrape along the sensitive skin of his deflect rune, and it’s too much, his heart is too full and his gut  _ burns _ in anticipation of  _ more _ . He pulls away, opening his eyes to see Magnus lean further into his space, chasing Alec’s mouth. 

Alec breathes harshly against Magnus, pressing their foreheads together, their noses resting alongside one another as he wills his heart to calm down. He’s pretty sure he can feel Magnus’s lashes against his skin. 

“Thank you.” Alec breathes against Magnus’s skin, brushing his thumb in an arc along his cheekbone. 

“For what?” Magnus’s voice is all breath, hot against his skin. 

Alec does pull back then, just so he can see Magnus more clearly, so he can make sure Magnus understands the gravity of his words. “Not giving up on me.” 

_ (“You have a choice to make. I will not ask again.”) _

Unexpectedly, he feels the moisture burning at the back of his eyes. No tears will fall, but it burns in his sinuses, and his throat tightens up. He’s so grateful, for Magnus, for whatever out there in the universe decided to give Alec another chance, to show him the error of his ways. To Magnus for showing up, again and again for Alec. For putting himself out there, for risking himself over and over for him. 

“Well,” Magnus bites his lip around a grin, “I’m usually a man of my word, but for you I guess I’ll make an exception.”

They both laugh, and it’s wet and happy and Alec’s never felt happiness like this before. Hiding from his parents, entwined with a man he hopes to love someday, laughing and kissing and reveling in the wake of an utter disaster of a wedding. Alec presses his forehead back against Magnus’s, tightening his hold on Magnus’s hand. 

He thinks of that unblemished ring of skin on Magnus’s left hand, and how that feeling in his chest feels so much like love it terrifies him. He wishes he could capture this moment forever, the way excitement tingles under their skin, and anticipation lingers in the air. How Magnus looks drop dead gorgeous, and smells like home and brushes his nose along Alec’s. He wants to capture the anticipation for the future, for love, for home. 

And maybe, even if things don’t work out the way they did for the other Magnus and Alec, maybe things will be better. Hell, maybe they’ll be worse. But all he knows is that he wouldn’t trade this moment for the world. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we find ourselves at the end of this little tale. I loved exploring this journey for Alec so much and I hope you guys have liked it too. I really appreciate everyone that helped and encouraged me through writing this, and everyone that read along with me. 
> 
> This one is much shorter than the other chapters have been lol
> 
> I'm so looking forward to everyone's interpretation of this and what answers you guys have come up with! 
> 
> As Always you can reach me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Koryandr_) or [Tumblr](https://koryandr.tumblr.com/) Feel free to @ me, I'd love to hear from you. :) Also, feel free to reach out if you have any questions/concerns.
> 
> You can also find me on the [Malec Discord Server!](https://discord.gg/5nBgEp8)


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